u/Jealous-Leave-4221

Lost , Hopeless and Tired for last 5 years

This is my first post here after months of lurking, so I apologize for any grammatical mistakes.

I am 23 years old and currently in the second year of my B.Tech in CSE at an NIT. I am here because of my own mistakes.

After I passed 12th grade in 2020, it was the COVID period. I had dreams of a good future, and things seemed to be going well when I got into an NIT in one of the most sought-after branches.

However, during my first year, I got into a terrible accident while driving recklessly. The crash left the entire left side of my body paralyzed, from my face down to my toes. I had to pause my studies because it was extremely painful for me to even sit for an hour.

After extensive surgeries, operations, and rehabilitation, I was finally able to move without pain after two years. Although I no longer feel pain on that side, it is still not very functional. I cannot lift heavy objects or do any extensive work with my left side. It often feels like a prop attached to my body.

After completing rehabilitation, I decided to continue my studies. By then, I was already 22 (2024). It felt like a risky decision since I would graduate at 25 (2028), but I still chose to pursue my degree. After all, who would give up a seat in a top NIT, especially in a CS-related branch?

On medical grounds, I requested permission to continue my B. Tech, and it was granted. However, due to changes in the education policy from 2023 onwards, the credits I had previously completed were not sufficient to directly continue in the second year. I had to sit with first-year students again to complete extra credits in two subjects.

By that time, I had already forgotten much of what I studied in 12th grade. I didn’t even remember how to properly study anymore.

The reality hit me in my third semester. I barely passed with C and D grades. My CGPA is around 6.5, which is not good enough for many company placements. I worry that no one will hire me with my grades and the gap in my resume.

My original class, the one I joined in 2021, graduated last year. It hurts a lot to see them moving forward in life while I feel stuck in this situation caused by my own actions.

My parents are supportive and want the best for me, but when I talk to them or look at them, I sometimes see sadness in their eyes. It makes me feel like they already seem hopeless about my situation still giving me the best chance in life.

Yesterday, my mother’s sister called to invite us to her son’s wedding. He is only one year older than I am. After the call, my mother started talking about “what ifs” about my life and situation, hoping that one day I would be “normal.”

It hurts me deeply that a single moment of foolishness led to this cascading chain of events: my accident, the medical bills, my college fees, my parents’ expenses, my father stressed working every day while layoffs are happening around him, my mother’s declining health, the pity or mockery my parents sometimes face because of my situation and most important the gulit of time i have lost and am losing while people my age reaching better places.

I have tried to reach my college psychologist, and she is a sweet lady, but her solution of positive reaffirmations is not working. She suggested antidepressants, but I am currently wary to use them, and more or less I know, I need to be financially independent to lleast 70% of my worries to subside, still the road looks bleak.

There is constant internal pressure to stand on my own two feet and not be a burden on others, be a contributing member of society. But alas, it's impossible.
I am dumb, I am a burden, and maybe it was better for everyone involved if I had perished in that accident cuz now I am too scared to kill myself.

I just wanted to let it out as I can't say all these things to my parents and hurt them even more.

reddit.com
u/Jealous-Leave-4221 — 19 hours ago

Lost, Hopeless and Tired for last 5 years .

This is my first post here after months of lurking, so I apologize for any grammatical mistakes.

I am 23 years old and currently in the second year of my B. Tech in CSE at an NIT. I am here because of my own mistakes.

After I passed 12th grade in 2020, it was the COVID period. I had dreams of a good future, and things seemed to be going well when I got into an NIT in one of the most sought-after branches.

However, during my first year, I got into a terrible accident while driving recklessly. The crash left the entire left side of my body paralyzed, from my face down to my toes. I had to pause my studies because it was extremely painful for me to even sit for an hour.

After extensive surgeries, operations, and rehabilitation, I was finally able to move without pain after two years. Although I no longer feel pain on that side, it is still not very functional. I cannot lift heavy objects or do any extensive work with my left side. It often feels like a prop attached to my body.

After completing rehabilitation, I decided to continue my studies. By then, I was already 22 (2024). It felt like a risky decision since I would graduate at 25 (2028), but I still chose to pursue my degree. After all, who would give up a seat in a top NIT, especially in a CS-related branch?

On medical grounds, I requested permission to continue my B. Tech, and it was granted. However, due to changes in the education policy from 2023 onwards, the credits I had previously completed were not sufficient to directly continue in the second year. I had to sit with first-year students again to complete extra credits in two subjects.

By that time, I had already forgotten much of what I studied in 12th grade. I didn’t even remember how to properly study anymore.

The reality hit me in my third semester. I barely passed with C and D grades. My CGPA is around 6.5, which is not good enough for many company placements. I worry that no one will hire me with my grades and the gap in my resume.

My original class, the one I joined in 2021, graduated last year. It hurts a lot to see them moving forward in life while I feel stuck in this situation caused by my own actions.

My parents are supportive and want the best for me, but when I talk to them or look at them, I sometimes see sadness in their eyes. It makes me feel like they already seem hopeless about my situation still giving me the best chance in life.

Yesterday, my mother’s sister called to invite us to her son’s wedding. He is only one year older than me. After the call, my mother started talking about “what ifs” about my life and situation, hoping that one day I would be “normal.”

It hurts me deeply that a single moment of foolishness led to this cascading chain of events: my accident, the medical bills, my college fees, my parents’ expenses, my father stressed working every day while layoffs are happening around him, my mother’s declining health, the pity or mockery my parents sometimes face because of my situation and most important the gulit of time i have lost and am losing while people my age reaching better places.

I have tried to reach my college psychologist, and she is a sweet lady, but her solution of positive reaffirmations is not working. She suggested antidepressants, but I am currently wary to use them, and more or less I know, I need to be financially independent to lleast 70% of my worries to subside, still the road looks bleak.

There is constant internal pressure to stand on my own two feet and not be a burden on others, be a contributing member of society. But alas, it's impossible.
I am dumb, I am a burden, and maybe it was better for everyone involved if I had perished in that accident cuz now I am too scared to kill myself.

I just wanted to let it out as I can't say all these things to my parents and hurt them even more.

reddit.com
u/Jealous-Leave-4221 — 19 hours ago
🔥 Hot ▲ 156 r/TrueCrimeDiscussion+1 crossposts

The Murder of Syed Modi (1988)

Badminton has long been one of India’s most successful sports, producing a number of genuine champions over the years. In a country that so rarely sees athletes rise to true greatness, each one becomes precious, and losing one feels like a loss the nation can scarcely afford.

Syed Modi born as Syed Mehdi Hassan Zaidi,Born in a modest family in Gorakhpur, Modi’s talent with a badminton racket quickly set him apart. His style was fast, controlled, and relentless. He broke onto National stage by winning the national championship at the age of eighteen, beating the great Prakash Padukone who was then at his peak and The national star in badminton in India. By the early 1980s, he had become one of India’s best badminton players, winning the national championship eight times in a row from 1980 to 1987. For young athletes across the country, he was proof that dedication could take you from small towns to national fame.

But by then the wheel of destiny had already woven his thread of fate.

While junior national champion in 1978, Modi travelled to Beijing for an international tournament. A Bombay girl named Amita Kulkarni was in the women's team, and, as the Supreme Court would later record, "there arose intimacy between the two". Neither the Modis nor the Kulkarnis were thrilled with the idea of the North Indian Muslim boy marrying the upper-class Marathi girl, but the couple resisted family pressure, and wed six years later in 1984. To facitilate their wedding, The member of Parliament from City of Amethi, Sanjay Singh, offered his Home, The Royal Palace Of Amethi as the Wedding Destination. He was from a Royal Family, close friend of then Prime Minister of India and a fan of Syed Modi's game.

The evening of 28 July 1988 was ordinary.

At the K. D. Singh Babu Stadium in Lucknow, Syed Modi had just finished his badminton practice. It was something he had done countless times before. The courts were quieting down as players packed up for the day.Modi too finished his practice session which he had done with utmost honesty and discipline since he started taking the sport seriously. He then stopped at the Stadium Canteen with his friends for some Tea and chat.

Modi was the first to get up and move out and walked toward the parking area to get to his bike.
Then gunshots shattered the evening.

Two Assailants opened fire on him at close range and then fled the scene in a white car. By the time his friends rushed to check the source gunshot sound, they saw the national champion lay fatally wounded in the pool of his own blood. The attackers disappeared almost as quickly as they had arrived but a young 13 year old boy had ssen the shooters escape

In era of absence of social media and live news India woke up the next morning to shocking headlines. One of its brightest badminton stars had been assassinated.

At first, the murder seemed senseless. A celebrated athlete with no obvious enemies, gunned down outside a stadium. But as investigators dug deeper, the case began to reveal a complicated web of relationships.
Amita was mother to a 2 month old daughter at time of Syed's Murder, her badminton career was put on hold. But you see, Syed did not believe this , he did not believe the child his wife had was his and instead of reassuring his husband, Amita said nothing and Syed's storm of distrust just got stronger. The investigators found a detailed diary of Amita , some letters which confirmed that she was having an extramarital affair with Sanjay Singh
What more they uuncovered was Syed was aware of this affair , as Amita addressed Syed as S1 and Sanjay as S2 in her diary . Amita knew Syed used to read her diary secretly, so she started writing about Syed in harsh, gaslighting and maniipulative tone while for Sanjay her words were sweet and of yearning. Police believed this made Syed suicidal. Syed lost his streak of winning national after finding out this affair.
Sanjay too reponded in loving manner with expensive gifts , luxury etc . In that diary police found jealousy from Amita on Syed's Success,, on confronting Amita with diary, Amita's respone was " Its nothing but imagination of an idle wife sstuck alone at home, nothing too deep to look into, if i knew policve will take that diary seriously i would have burnt it long ago" Investigator were not going to take Amita's odd reason of writing smut seriously. Post Syed's Murder, Sanjay divorced his wife Garima , which further strenghtened Police suspicion about the secret couple.
Still a confirmation of affair was not hard evidence to link Sanjay and Amita for the murder of Syed Modi. The investigation eventually led police toward a conspiracy theory involving hired killers. Authorities alleged that the murder had been orchestrated because of personal conflicts and relationships surrounding Modi’s marriage. 5 people were arrested , 2 of them were killed was suspicious sources before they could be presented in court. Those 2 were the shooters on the day of murder,while the driver of the car was convicted with the help of witness testimony from that boy who saw them flee.
During the trial, prosecutors tried to establish that Modi’s murder was the result of a planned conspiracy. Defense lawyers challenged the evidence and questioned the reliability of witnesses.

The courtroom drama dragged on for years.

Eventually, the courts acquitted Sanjay Singh and others due to lack of conclusive evidence linking them directly to the conspiracy. Some individuals connected to the hired killers were convicted earlier, but the larger alleged conspiracy remained legally unproven.

In 1995 Amita married Sanjay Singh and moved in the Royal Palace of Amethi.
Her mother who earlier was suspicious of pregnancy of Amita, quietly supported her marriage into a royal house as compared to a man of lower upbringing. The name of the first daughter of Amita and Syed was later changed after Amita's marriage to Sanjay, after it was confirmed it was indeed Syed's Daughter.

For many people who followed the case, the outcome felt unsatisfying.
The legend is that while taking admission in School, the school office mistakenly wrote Syed Modi instead of Syed Mehdi and it stuck.
Unlike his name, there was no mistake in State adminstrators trying to forget his work, his legacy and largely they succeded. Today his name barely gets a passing mention despite his decorated resume. His daughter ,2 months at the time of his death does not carry his name, maybe doesn't even know about hhim if her mom never mentioned Syed, which is likely. Syed would have been a proud grandfather if he lived too know that his grandaughter has started playying badmintoon proffesionally, but she has never known anything about him.
Today his name is on the yearly tournament known as Syed Modi Internationals , commonly known as Super 300 in Badminton Calender
and on the grave which his brother still visits , filled with pride and sadness for his younger brother.
And that sentimennt was felt by many in 1988, the newspapers in Lucknow , refused to print the image of his dead body instead made a collage of achievements and his famous 'Jump Smash', choosing to remember him by the things the masses came to know him and loved him.

One of Indian sport’s brightest careers was cut short. Syed Modi rose from modest beginnings, dreamed bigger than his circumstances allowed, and actually achieved it. For some in the comfortable circles above him, that success was unsettling. A poor man stepping onto the national stage and winning was not something everyone was ready to accept even those who should have been.

Refrences -: My mother who gave much info on this case, as it happened near her home.
Syed Modi case closed, motive unclear | India News - Times of India
Syed Modi murder: Political pot boiler - India Today
Syed Modi - Wikipedia

u/Jealous-Leave-4221 — 4 days ago

Nithari serial murders.

Sector 36 in Noida , Uttar Pradesh, India looked like the India of rising wealth. Gated houses. Security guards. Clean streets where cars rolled in and out behind iron gates.
Just beyond those walls lay Nithari. Narrow lanes, crowded homes, and families living day to day. Many residents of Nithari worked as domestic help, laborers, or small vendors serving the affluent households of Sector 36. Two neighborhoods sharing a border, yet divided by wealth, status, and whose voices mattered.

Then in February 2006 the girls of Nithari started disappearing. At first it was one or two. Young daughters from poor families. When their parents went to the local police station to report the disappearances, they expected urgency. Instead, they met indifference. Officers brushed them aside, dismissing the cases as runaways while humiliating the distressed parents by saying things like :

“Tumhare yahan toh ye hota rehta hai… ye koi nayi baat nahi hai.”
(This happens often among your kind of people. Nothing unusual.)

Days turned into months. Months into years. More girls vanished from the same area. In total, nineteen children disappeared over time, most of them last seen within a narrow stretch of lane about a hundred meters. That stretch included a large house belonging to businessman Moninder Singh Pandher.
Parents began to whisper his name. Some had seen their daughters near the house before they vanished. When families approached Pandher to ask questions, he refused to speak with them. His silence only deepened their suspicion.

One day, while searching for a lost ball in nearby bushes, a group of children stumbled upon something disturbing: a severed human hand. They ran to the police.The response was shocking, Officers dismissed it as the remains of a dead animal. The Nithari Police was adamant on keeping this case status as runaway and unintrested in looking for missing girls.

The girl status may have remained as Runaways if not for one young woman.
A 21-year-old named Payal went to Pandher’s house for work after informing her father. When she didn’t return home for 24 hours, her father grew frantic. He went directly to the house.

Pandher opened the door.

“I don’t know any Payal,” he said.

The words stunned the father. He knew his daughter had worked there before. Yet once again, when he approached the local police station, he was dismissed. He made multiple rounds to keep remain in their attention but to avail. Desperate and exhausted Payal's dad with much more resources than other disappeared girls families he took the complaint to the higher authorities at the District Magistrate when then instructed Noida Police headquarters under whom Nithari jurisdiction fell to file First Information Report (FIR). There, Inspector A. K. Pandey listened.

He immediately felt wrong about Moninder Singh Pandher
Police officers went to Pandher’s house. Pandher himself was not there. Only his servant remained. A quiet, ordinary-looking man named Surinder Koli.
ON 26 December 2006 Koli were taken into custody by the police in connection with the disappearance of "Payal". He revealed Payal worked as a Call Girl for Pandher and that day Koli ,not Pandher,called Payal to the his house. He admitted to killing Payal after she refused his sexual advances. Then he confessed to something far worse. He claimed responsibility for the disappearance of the other 18 girls as well.
Officers later recalled how calm he appeared while describing his actions. Cold. Detached. According to investigators, he summarized his routine with chilling simplicity:

“Maru. Katu. Khau.” [Kill. Cut. Eat.]

Koli then led police officers to the backyard of the house. There, buried in the soil and scattered in nearby drains, investigators began finding human remains. Bones. Skulls. Fragments of clothing. Evidence of horrors that had remained hidden for years while families begged authorities to listen.

The discovery shocked the entire community, all the parents stormed the Pandher house and broke into pieces when the clothes or remains of their child were found in the heap accumulated by the police.

On 27 December 2006 Pandher was also arrested. He insisted he was out of town duringPayal visit and had nothing to do with her death nor with any sttuff his servant was involved in.Investigators alleged that while he might not have carried out the killings, he had been involved in seprate kidnappings and the exploitation of vulnerable girls for his Prostitution Ring. Later 21 girls were found in nearby Brothels who Moninder Trafficked from Nithari. 2 officers including Head inspector of Nithari were suspended for inaction and bribery charges to shield Pandher

Trials followed. Appeals followed the trials. Legal battles stretched on for years through the Indian court system. A sessions Court gave both Koli and Pandher Capital Punishment on multiple convictions but on reappeal to Allahabad High Court on 10 September 2009 , was acquitted, while Koli was not. in 2023, Allahabad High Court acquitted them citing lack of evidence. In November 2025, the Supreme Court upheld Koli's acquittal and ordered his release

Despite the confessions and discoveries, several convictions were later overturned on appeal due to questions about evidence and investigative procedure. The legal process that was supposed to deliver justice instead left many families with a painful feeling that the system had failed them.

In the end, the parents of the missing children were left with the heaviest burden. Their daughters were gone. The truth felt painful. And justice, to many of them, seemed painfully incomplete

Refrences-:
https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/city/delhi/SC-upholds-death-penalty-of-Nithari-serial-killer-Surinder-Koli/articleshow/7500679.cms

https://www.indiatoday.in/law/story/nithari-killings-allahabad-high-court-acquits-surendra-koli-in-12-cases-moninder-singh-in-2-cases-2449517-2023-10-16

https://www.thehindu.com/news/national/nithari-killings-supreme-court-acquits-prime-accused-surendra-koli-in-last-pending-case/article70265652.ece

u/Jealous-Leave-4221 — 10 days ago