u/Jazzy-Cough92

My partner and I are both 28, and we have a 3-year-old together and an 8-year-old from my previous relationship who stays only part time. For the first 3–4 years of our relationship, we constantly argued because he would entertain other women and because of his porn addiction. That was our only real issue, and the only thing we ever fought about.

There was an incident last year where a girl he used to be friends with in high school texted him in the middle of the night. He ended up calling her while he was at work and talked to her for an hour. I didn’t know any of this until one night I had a feeling to look at his phone, where I found a recently deleted message of him asking her if she was free for lunch or dinner.

This obviously started an argument because I thought we were past this, and he broke my phone to pieces on our floor. The next morning, when it was time for me to go to work, I realized he had moved the car down the street. I drove the car back home to grab my laptop because it was the only form of communication I had, and I didn’t want him breaking that too. When he realized I was back, he went outside, turned the car off, and took the keys so I couldn’t leave for work. This caused me to lose my job because, without a phone, I didn’t have my boss’s number to call out, so I was a no-call/no-show. The reason he had for moving the car and taking the keys was that he didnt think I would come back and he would miss work. I never said anything about leaving, even once.

After this, we somehow patched things up, with him promising we would go to couples therapy. We went once, and then he decided it was too expensive. We also thought it would be best that, since I was out of a job, I should go back to school so I could make more money. So that’s what I did, and I just completed my second semester with a 4.0 GPA.

But I have zero money—$3 in my bank account currently. He’s the only one who works, and he controls how the money is spent because, to him, it’s “his” money. Recently, he got into competitive shooting and has spent thousands of dollars total on the gun range, ammo, parts, whole guns, and more. Meanwhile, I have to ask if I can get my hair cut. I want him to do the things he likes, but I also want to do the things I like, which I don’t get to do because I have no money. He thinks that if he makes sure the bills are paid, he should be able to spend the rest of his money however he wants. In a way, he’s right, but I don’t think I should be left with nothing.

We moved out of state last year so he could take a better job, and he still doesn’t make enough for us not to need financial assistance from his mom—she pays our rent. This is another reason I’m going back to school: so I can make more money and his mom doesn’t have to pay our rent anymore.

Money aside, I am always left with all of the responsibilities at home and with our son. My school schedule revolves around his work, so I can only take two classes at a time, which will not work much longer or I’ll never finish school. He thinks that because he works and I don’t, my job at home isn’t hard, or that the fact I never get to leave the house isn’t a problem. We only have one car that works because he refuses to get rid of the other one or get it fixed, and both cars are in his name, so I don’t even have my own car.

I do the laundry, dishes, baths, bedtimes, school drop-off and pickup, play with the kids, clean, and everything else. And he still walks around saying, “I’m tired, life sucks,” but when you ask him to elaborate, he just says he doesn’t want to go to work. He never wants to talk about anything that actually matters other than work, guns, and other random things. He never asks how I’m doing or how I’m feeling, but he walks around moping, disengaged, constantly on his phone, and miserable overall.

All of this stress puts me in a bad mood, and then I’m blamed for the whole house being upset. I want to leave so badly, but I also want to finish school, which his mom is also paying for. I don’t trust his mom enough to talk to her because all she’s ever done is enable his awful behavior. I don’t have a close relationship with my parents, and they have no room for me. The only friend I had is back home, and she said I could come stay with her, but she’s having a baby in the next couple of months, and I don’t want to add the stress of us being there. Her baby shower is on Sunday and I still dont have any gifts because I have no money and need to ask him while restraining how much I spend on my best and only friend. I have been stressing about what I'm going to wear, and he never asked me if I had anything to wear so I can get something new like just a dress from Target.

I also don’t want to disrupt my son’s life. I worry about the number of women he would bring around our son if I left, which I do not want—not because of jealousy, but because I don’t want my son to think it’s perfectly fine to be the kind of man who brings around a bunch of different women. I also honestly don’t want him exposed to sex at such a young age. Plus even now, he doesnt consistently go to the grocery store. Before, I was in charge of going weekly and getting groceries, which I did on the same day every week. Now sometimes it will be over a week before he ever goes just because hes tired and doesnt feel like it. Right now, in the house we have soup, french fries, and popcorn chicken to eat. Thats it. Most times we run out of bottled water before he goes again. Or he will just go to get a case of water to say that its there.

I feel stuck until I can finish school and have a solid income of my own, but I really don’t want to wait that long. I’m so tired of the narcissistic traits, the emotional unavailability, and the lack of care for anyone but himself. I told him I got my final grades back for this last semester and told him the grades (A's), and he said "Wow, you got them back already?" that's all he had to say, not good job, way to go, nothing. The only reason im going to school is to help our family. I had no interest in going back to school; I was perfectly happy with my job. Also, he tried to go to school 2 years ago and I ended up doing all of his assignments and homework until I could no longer grasp what was going on in the class. He would attend, take no notes, then expect me to do all the work just based off the textbook. He dropped out after 1 semester of me doing all the work. We have really good times together, and overall hes a good dad, but after everything im just so tired and ready to just be alone because I feel like a single mom anyway. Plus he is never going to marry me so whats the point of keeping the relationship going. And its not that I want to marry him specifically, I just want someone who wants to marry me, I want to feel wanted and cared for. I just dont know how to get out, or if now is the right time, how to do so, and I do want to finish school so I can support myself and my kids alone.

I’m currently in a 5-year relationship, but I’ve developed limerence toward someone else. I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar, especially if they didn’t know their LO very well, and how they got over doing embarrassing things because of limerence.

I want to preface this by saying that at the time, I was very unwell, on several medications, and had gotten out of the hospital the year before for SI (I have BPD and other diagnoses).

My boyfriend’s high school best friend has a brother I’ll call “S.” My boyfriend had told me stories about him before I ever met him, so I already had a vague sense of who he was. I also had met his brother a few times and heard stories from him. Eventually, I went to his house with my boyfriend so he could visit his old friend and their family. “S” was there, but we didn’t talk or interact. Even so, I immediately felt extremely drawn to him. He was artistic, played guitar, had a CD collection, and seemed to live in his own little world. He displayed traits that I admire, and he was unique, which captivated me further.

After that day, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I made up scenarios in my head and became increasingly obsessed with an idea of him I had created. I followed him on Instagram, then eventually found him on Facebook, where he was more active. After watching his profile for a while, I sent him a friend request and eventually messaged him. We messaged for a few weeks before he asked who I was. I explained that I had come over once with my boyfriend and that I had a huge crush on him. Surprisingly, he kept talking to me, and we kept talking for over a year. During this, he would sometimes take weeks to reply to a single message.

During the times he didn’t reply, I became extremely unstable. I constantly checked my phone, stayed up all night in case he messaged, sent and unsent multiple messages at a time even if he wasn't responding, apologized repeatedly, and even told him to block me if he wanted. He never did. When he didn't respond, I felt worthless, and that my whole self-worth was solely reliant on him responding. When he did reply, he seemed interested and liked my photos, and reacted to the music I sent him, which fed the obsession more.

As time went on, I became increasingly more obsessive. I would reply to his messages, but if he wouldn't open/read them promptly, I would unsend them. Sometimes I would send multiple messages in a row if he wasnt responding. I also said really strange things and said things out of my character just because I was trying so hard for his validation.

Eventually, after a little over a year, he asked if I was seeing anyone. I said yes, and we never spoke again. I stopped messaging him because I was terrified he would tell my boyfriend about how obsessively I had been talking to him. And he never messaged me again. I constantly checked his profile for subliminal messages relating to me, but never noticed anything definitive.

For a while, out of pure fear and paranoia, I stopped thinking about him, but recently, the limerence has come back hard. I’m checking his socials again, along with his friends’ and family’s pages, and I keep thinking about messaging him or re-adding him. I feel a lot of guilt because I have a boyfriend, and I’m also deeply embarrassed by how intense and obsessive I came across. Part of me wants to explain that I was very unwell at the time and that I’m not really like that. I know I’m more obsessed with the idea of him than with who he actually is, and I know his validation would mean more to me than a real relationship. I also know he has mental health struggles, and part of me wonders whether that made me feel like he might understand me more than anyone else. I just think that if he could truly get to know the real me, he would actually really like me.

I guess im just really stuck on the lack of closure, but I also feel crazy because I didnt really know him that well. So is it really even limerence because I didnt truly know him? Im also so scared that one day he will just randomly decide to tell my boyfriend or that my boyfriend will want to go see his family and brother and I will be forced to see him again. idk someone help me. How did you deal with embarrassing things you did?

I’ve been self-harming since I was 13, and I’m now 28. Addiction and alcoholism run heavily in my family, and both of my parents struggle with them. Even so, I’ve never gotten into hard drugs or experimented with them.

I’ve been wondering whether there might be a link between substance abuse and self-harm. Is it possible that if someone does one, they may be less likely to do the other? In other words, did I self-harm because I never got into drugs, or did I avoid drugs because I was already self-harming?

Do people use drugs for some of the same reasons that people self-harm? I’m curious if anyone has thoughts on that, or if anyone has experience with doing both at the same time?

I am a 28-year-old female and am currently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. One doctor also diagnosed me with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, but I don't necessarily agree with that diagnosis. Anyway, as someone who has BPD and a few other disorders, I always find it really hard to identify which symptoms apply to which disorder. Especially while actively experiencing those symptoms, thought patterns, or behaviors, I have a hard time figuring out if it's related to my BPD or another disorder, or if it even matters at all. I was wondering if anyone else felt like this or how they navigate having multiple disorders/diagnoses.