u/Impressive-Durian-33

I don’t know what to do anymore. My life has come to grinding halt. I’m 26 now and my relationship with my mom is in the fucking toilet. The closest thing I had to a father died in front of my eyes when I was 21. My family isn’t close at all anymore and I’m so emotionally exhausted and sad all the time I can barely eat, sleep, work or be a human.

My biological father is a piece of shit who beat the hell out of my mom for years. I was 1 when she packed up us kids and moved to a new city. My mom became a workaholic and I was raised by my siblings. My mom worked all the time but we lived in poverty for years. Anytime as a child I needed emotional love and validation from my mom (didn’t have a dad in the house till I was 14) she would get stressed that I needed something and me needing support turned into me stressing her out and me learning to deal with shit on my own. We were poor as hell so all I had was my siblings who I love dearly. We had a home foreclosed upon, cars repossessed. We moved around 5 different times and I moved school systems a few times. My mom married an awesome guy when I was 14 and he was like a light in the dark. We had 7 amazing years with him, those 7 years we were no longer living in poverty. I had a stable roof over my head, I had a car and was able to go to college (both things i never thought id be able to do growing up) while my stepdad was alive he was so loving and emotionally supporting/attuning to me that I forgot about the emotional neglect and absence my mother made me feel all my life (Not to mention she’s repeatedly called all 4 of her kids accidents and has made jokes about how we were happy accidents but we still messed up her life). Then one day out of the blue my stepdad has a stroke and ends up passing away. That was such a traumatizing experience I became an alcoholic for 4 years straight. Nearly died from drinking and I had to stop. Here I am 5 years after his passing and the older I get the more I realize my mom neglected us all growing up. The older i get the more I realize how fucking broken I am. I’ve been in therapy for years. I just wish i couldve had a normal fucking upbringing with loving parents. I’ve always hated myself and felt like I’m not important. Im a people pleaser and am so afraid of losing anyone.

Additionally, a month after my stepdad died, my mom replaced him with some jackass she met off hinge. How can a man start dating a women whose husband just died a month ago? Is that not a red flag? My mom didnt have a funeral for my stepdad, she never even picked up his ashes. She threw away 90% of his stuff. I had to save his old stuff because I was scared my mom was gonna throw them away. I keep up with his family that she wont even talk to. But now she has a new man and refuses to recognize the situation. She tries to force this new guy on me and my siblings after many attempts by us to say we are uncomfortable with it. So she just started leaving and hanging out and doesnt hang out with her family. My stepdad died in September 2021, that very christmas she spent an hour with us and then left the go spend the week with her new boyfriend. Keep in mind this new boyfriend is also a manipulative piece of shit. Everyone at my mom’s company and every single one of her kids have told her how much we don’t like him and don’t want to be around him. The first time I ever met him he made a shitty joke to me about how to take pictures up women’s skirts.

Recently I’ve been reading books about PTSD and neglect and I realize more and more that I was 100% emotionally neglected growing up and had no stability ever. I was born into the family of a mother that never wanted me, no father until an amazing stepdad who was then ripped away from me. Sometimes I just sit and stare at the ground or get lost in thoughts of sadness and self hatred. Growing up I was such a happy go lucky kid and was always praised by teachers and friends parents for being so polite and mature and helpful. Now I’m 26 and my life just feels like it’s falling apart and I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m constantly in fight or flight 24/7. I number my pain with alcohol for a long time, stopped doing that and started running. Running helped me so much and I was doing amazing for a few months and then I hurt my knee and haven’t been able to run in months. I feel like I lost my outlet and the depression has gotten so much worse again.

Am I ungrateful for the blessings I do have? Like am I a piece of shit for complaining so much? Am I weak for not being able to carry on normally despite what life’s been throwing at me? Honestly I’m so lost in all the emotions and sadness I don’t even trust myself anymore. I wish I could have a different life. I wish the pain would end. I have no idea how to deal with the emotional pain anymore. Any advice would be welcome.

I don’t know what to do anymore. My life has come to grinding halt. I’m 26 now and my relationship with my mom is in the fucking toilet. The closest thing I had to a father died in front of my eyes when I was 21. My family isn’t close at all anymore and I’m so emotionally exhausted and sad all the time I can barely eat, sleep, work or be a human.

My biological father is a piece of shit who beat the hell out of my mom for years. I was 1 when she packed up us kids and moved to a new city. My mom became a workaholic and I was raised by my siblings. My mom worked all the time but we lived in poverty for years. Anytime as a child I needed emotional love and validation from my mom (didn’t have a dad in the house till I was 14) she would get stressed that I needed something and me needing support turned into me stressing her out and me learning to deal with shit on my own. We were poor as hell so all I had was my siblings who I love dearly. We had a home foreclosed upon, cars repossessed. We moved around 5 different times and I moved school systems a few times. My mom married an awesome guy when I was 14 and he was like a light in the dark. We had 7 amazing years with him, those 7 years we were no longer living in poverty. I had a stable roof over my head, I had a car and was able to go to college (both things i never thought id be able to do growing up) while my stepdad was alive he was so loving and emotionally supporting/attuning to me that I forgot about the emotional neglect and absence my mother made me feel all my life (Not to mention she’s repeatedly called all 4 of her kids accidents and has made jokes about how we were happy accidents but we still messed up her life). Then one day out of the blue my stepdad has a stroke and ends up passing away. That was such a traumatizing experience I became an alcoholic for 4 years straight. Nearly died from drinking and I had to stop. Here I am 5 years after his passing and the older I get the more I realize my mom neglected us all growing up. The older i get the more I realize how fucking broken I am. I’ve been in therapy for years. I just wish i couldve had a normal fucking upbringing with loving parents. I’ve always hated myself and felt like I’m not important. Im a people pleaser and am so afraid of losing anyone.

Additionally, a month after my stepdad died, my mom replaced him with some jackass she met off hinge. How can a man start dating a women whose husband just died a month ago? Is that not a red flag? My mom didnt have a funeral for my stepdad, she never even picked up his ashes. She threw away 90% of his stuff. I had to save his old stuff because I was scared my mom was gonna throw them away. I keep up with his family that she wont even talk to. But now she has a new man and refuses to recognize the situation. She tries to force this new guy on me and my siblings after many attempts by us to say we are uncomfortable with it. So she just started leaving and hanging out and doesnt hang out with her family. My stepdad died in September 2021, that very christmas she spent an hour with us and then left the go spend the week with her new boyfriend. Keep in mind this new boyfriend is also a manipulative piece of shit. Everyone at my mom’s company and every single one of her kids have told her how much we don’t like him and don’t want to be around him. The first time I ever met him he made a shitty joke to me about how to take pictures up women’s skirts.

Recently I’ve been reading books about PTSD and neglect and I realize more and more that I was 100% emotionally neglected growing up and had no stability ever. I was born into the family of a mother that never wanted me, no father until an amazing stepdad who was then ripped away from me. Sometimes I just sit and stare at the ground or get lost in thoughts of sadness and self hatred. Growing up I was such a happy go lucky kid and was always praised by teachers and friends parents for being so polite and mature and helpful. Now I’m 26 and my life just feels like it’s falling apart and I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m constantly in fight or flight 24/7. I number my pain with alcohol for a long time, stopped doing that and started running. Running helped me so much and I was doing amazing for a few months and then I hurt my knee and haven’t been able to run in months. I feel like I lost my outlet and the depression has gotten so much worse again.

Am I ungrateful for the blessings I do have? Like am I a piece of shit for complaining so much? Am I weak for not being able to carry on normally despite what life’s been throwing at me? Honestly I’m so lost in all the emotions and sadness I don’t even trust myself anymore. I wish I could have a different life. I wish the pain would end. I have no idea how to deal with the emotional pain anymore. Any advice would be welcome.

I don’t know what to do anymore. My life has come to grinding halt. I’m 26 now and my relationship with my mom is in the fucking toilet. The closest thing I had to a father died in front of my eyes when I was 21. My family isn’t close at all anymore and I’m so emotionally exhausted and sad all the time I can barely eat, sleep, work or be a human.

My biological father is a piece of shit who beat the hell out of my mom for years. I was 1 when she packed up us kids and moved to a new city. My mom became a workaholic and I was raised by my siblings. My mom worked all the time but we lived in poverty for years. Anytime as a child I needed emotional love and validation from my mom (didn’t have a dad in the house till I was 14) she would get stressed that I needed something and me needing support turned into me stressing her out and me learning to deal with shit on my own. We were poor as hell so all I had was my siblings who I love dearly. We had a home foreclosed upon, cars repossessed. We moved around 5 different times and I moved school systems a few times. My mom married an awesome guy when I was 14 and he was like a light in the dark. We had 7 amazing years with him, those 7 years we were no longer living in poverty. I had a stable roof over my head, I had a car and was able to go to college (both things i never thought id be able to do growing up) while my stepdad was alive he was so loving and emotionally supporting/attuning to me that I forgot about the emotional neglect and absence my mother made me feel all my life (Not to mention she’s repeatedly called all 4 of her kids accidents and has made jokes about how we were happy accidents but we still messed up her life). Then one day out of the blue my stepdad has a stroke and ends up passing away. That was such a traumatizing experience I became an alcoholic for 4 years straight. Nearly died from drinking and I had to stop. Here I am 5 years after his passing and the older I get the more I realize my mom neglected us all growing up. The older i get the more I realize how fucking broken I am. I’ve been in therapy for years. I just wish i couldve had a normal fucking upbringing with loving parents. I’ve always hated myself and felt like I’m not important. Im a people pleaser and am so afraid of losing anyone.

Additionally, a month after my stepdad died, my mom replaced him with some jackass she met off hinge. How can a man start dating a women whose husband just died a month ago? Is that not a red flag? My mom didnt have a funeral for my stepdad, she never even picked up his ashes. She threw away 90% of his stuff. I had to save his old stuff because I was scared my mom was gonna throw them away. I keep up with his family that she wont even talk to. But now she has a new man and refuses to recognize the situation. She tries to force this new guy on me and my siblings after many attempts by us to say we are uncomfortable with it. So she just started leaving and hanging out and doesnt hang out with her family. My stepdad died in September 2021, that very christmas she spent an hour with us and then left the go spend the week with her new boyfriend. Keep in mind this new boyfriend is also a manipulative piece of shit. Everyone at my mom’s company and every single one of her kids have told her how much we don’t like him and don’t want to be around him. The first time I ever met him he made a shitty joke to me about how to take pictures up women’s skirts.

Recently I’ve been reading books about PTSD and neglect and I realize more and more that I was 100% emotionally neglected growing up and had no stability ever. I was born into the family of a mother that never wanted me, no father until an amazing stepdad who was then ripped away from me. Sometimes I just sit and stare at the ground or get lost in thoughts of sadness and self hatred. Growing up I was such a happy go lucky kid and was always praised by teachers and friends parents for being so polite and mature and helpful. Now I’m 26 and my life just feels like it’s falling apart and I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m constantly in fight or flight 24/7. I number my pain with alcohol for a long time, stopped doing that and started running. Running helped me so much and I was doing amazing for a few months and then I hurt my knee and haven’t been able to run in months. I feel like I lost my outlet and the depression has gotten so much worse again.

Am I ungrateful for the blessings I do have? Like am I a piece of shit for complaining so much? Am I weak for not being able to carry on normally despite what life’s been throwing at me? Honestly I’m so lost in all the emotions and sadness I don’t even trust myself anymore. I wish I could have a different life. I wish the pain would end. I have no idea how to deal with the emotional pain anymore. Any advice would be welcome.

I don’t know what to do anymore. My life has come to grinding halt. I’m 26 now and my relationship with my mom is in the fucking toilet. The closest thing I had to a father died in front of my eyes when I was 21. My family isn’t close at all anymore and I’m so emotionally exhausted and sad all the time I can barely eat, sleep, work or be a human.

My biological father is a piece of shit who beat the hell out of my mom for years. I was 1 when she packed up us kids and moved to a new city. My mom became a workaholic and I was raised by my siblings. My mom worked all the time but we lived in poverty for years. Anytime as a child I needed emotional love and validation from my mom (didn’t have a dad in the house till I was 14) she would get stressed that I needed something and me needing support turned into me stressing her out and me learning to deal with shit on my own. We were poor as hell so all I had was my siblings who I love dearly. We had a home foreclosed upon, cars repossessed. We moved around 5 different times and I moved school systems a few times. My mom married an awesome guy when I was 14 and he was like a light in the dark. We had 7 amazing years with him, those 7 years we were no longer living in poverty. I had a stable roof over my head, I had a car and was able to go to college (both things i never thought id be able to do growing up) while my stepdad was alive he was so loving and emotionally supporting/attuning to me that I forgot about the emotional neglect and absence my mother made me feel all my life (Not to mention she’s repeatedly called all 4 of her kids accidents and has made jokes about how we were happy accidents but we still messed up her life). Then one day out of the blue my stepdad has a stroke and ends up passing away. That was such a traumatizing experience I became an alcoholic for 4 years straight. Nearly died from drinking and I had to stop. Here I am 5 years after his passing and the older I get the more I realize my mom neglected us all growing up. The older i get the more I realize how fucking broken I am. I’ve been in therapy for years. I just wish i couldve had a normal fucking upbringing with loving parents. I’ve always hated myself and felt like I’m not important. Im a people pleaser and am so afraid of losing anyone.

Additionally, a month after my stepdad died, my mom replaced him with some jackass she met off hinge. How can a man start dating a women whose husband just died a month ago? Is that not a red flag? My mom didnt have a funeral for my stepdad, she never even picked up his ashes. She threw away 90% of his stuff. I had to save his old stuff because I was scared my mom was gonna throw them away. I keep up with his family that she wont even talk to. But now she has a new man and refuses to recognize the situation. She tries to force this new guy on me and my siblings after many attempts by us to say we are uncomfortable with it. So she just started leaving and hanging out and doesnt hang out with her family. My stepdad died in September 2021, that very christmas she spent an hour with us and then left the go spend the week with her new boyfriend. Keep in mind this new boyfriend is also a manipulative piece of shit. Everyone at my mom’s company and every single one of her kids have told her how much we don’t like him and don’t want to be around him. The first time I ever met him he made a shitty joke to me about how to take pictures up women’s skirts.

Recently I’ve been reading books about PTSD and neglect and I realize more and more that I was 100% emotionally neglected growing up and had no stability ever. I was born into the family of a mother that never wanted me, no father until an amazing stepdad who was then ripped away from me. Sometimes I just sit and stare at the ground or get lost in thoughts of sadness and self hatred. Growing up I was such a happy go lucky kid and was always praised by teachers and friends parents for being so polite and mature and helpful. Now I’m 26 and my life just feels like it’s falling apart and I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m constantly in fight or flight 24/7. I number my pain with alcohol for a long time, stopped doing that and started running. Running helped me so much and I was doing amazing for a few months and then I hurt my knee and haven’t been able to run in months. I feel like I lost my outlet and the depression has gotten so much worse again.

Am I ungrateful for the blessings I do have? Like am I a piece of shit for complaining so much? Am I weak for not being able to carry on normally despite what life’s been throwing at me? Honestly I’m so lost in all the emotions and sadness I don’t even trust myself anymore. I wish I could have a different life. I wish the pain would end. I have no idea how to deal with the emotional pain anymore. Any advice would be welcome.

Happy Tuesday, everybody. So I decided that I’m gonna open a high-yield savings account to hold my tax money from my commission checks. For those who have high-yield savings account where do you bank/what account? I’m a rookie on this side of things so any help is appreciated. Thank you mucho ❤️