u/ImmortalityEternity

I’m not going to make a grand spectacle anymore. I’m going to keep quiet and just do my business and be done with my existence if I fail to make the cut as a Firefighter come Saturday.

I’m done with failure and hatred and sadness and depression and everything wrong with this world. This is my last stand not just as a Medic, but as a “Veteran” whatever that means. I was a soldier in a past life. I’m still technically a Medic, whatever that means.

I got tests I have a near 100% chance of failing coming up Thursday and Saturday. If I fail so much as one I’m ending my existence. If by some stroke of miracle I pass and get interviewed to become a Firefighter I’ll spare myself and continue living for another year.

I want the suffering to stop. The VA never cared. Veterans don’t care. The Army never cared. My family never cared. I have no friends. I constantly miss my ex girlfriend whose happier without me. Honestly, everyone is happier without me and it’s selfish I’m being this kind to myself giving myself an ultimatum instead of just killing myself “like a man”.

I’ve always been a coward in this stupid life.

My mental state has taken a sharp decline. It was already at a point of no return the second my dumbass E4 68W self went to my Army duty station.

TLDR I’m too far gone for therapy according to my last therapist (the same one that had me hospitalized for over a week when I told them I would rather be dead or dying in Iran with my brothers and sisters in arms than in college where nothing made sense) to even my own Doctor.

I miss my PA and Senior Medics and everyone else in my Platoon.

I thought I’d give trying to do the Fire Fighter equivalent of the ASVAB/Recruiting Station PT a shot. It went as well as anybody could expect. I attempted the different tests for the practice CPAT and I was on the verge of having a nervous breakdown coupled with a panic attack because smells sounds and even wearing a 50 lbs vest put me back to JBSA Ft Sam Houston San Antonio in a bad way.

When even your PA says, “yeah they’re pretty messed up” you know it’s BAD. If only my old boss/PA could see me now. Thankfully I’ve worked under two throughout my whole shortlived career for the Army and the second one knew me for at best half of November last year.

Army Vet whose suffering from a bunch of psychological and physical health issues.

I’m extremely cognitively impaired, I have depression, episodes of psychosis, and much much more.

I have my CPAT Practice Tomorrow. Written Practice Test I ONLY passed the Math portion. I completely bombed everything else. I understand that I’m far from firefighter material and need guidance. What do I even say to “HQ”?

“Hi I returned from the Army all sorts of messed up! Clearly I’m out of my league trying to apply as a Firefighter! Can I get a refund please?”

I tried to suffocate myself via carbon monoxide poisoning by letting my dad’s car run in our garage with the garage doors closed and my windows open. This was after I got rejected from every single University I applied to. While everyone in my classes got into their “dream colleges/backup colleges/going to Trade School/going to military” I got rejection letters and no hope. I couldn’t follow through and opened the doors to let in air.

If I somehow went back in time to the day I got those rejection letters and was face to face with my 17 year old self I would’ve just made myself pass out and let nature run its course.

7 years later what do I have to look back on? Failing Community College twice? Getting discharged from the US Army for gender identity? Debt? What chance do I have to fix this? The Army was supposed to FIX my problems but all it did was CREATE EVEN MORE. MY JOB WAS HELPING PEOPLE WITH THEIR PROBLEMS BUT WHEN IT CAME TIME FOR ME TO LOOK AFTER MYSELF SORRY YOU HAVE WORK, SORRY YOU HAVE A SOLDIER WITH A MEDICAL EMERGENCY. I NEVER HAD TIME FOR MYSELF. I BENT OVER BACKWARDS FOR MY UNIT AND THE BEST MY COMMAND COULD GIVE ME WAS “you’re a hero and you have to leave” SPEECH FROM FALLOUT 1.

I can’t anymore. I can’t. Everyone I loved has died or abandoned me. All I could do is fail and let people down. I never was a good medic in the slightest.

When I left the Army I enrolled first thing into college. During my time in college I suffered a major mental health episode that landed me a week stay in a mental health ward. I couldn’t catch up in my classes because I was already far behind prior.

I’ve been lying to my parents since that “I’m still in college, I’ll transfer to a 4-year in December this year, January next year”.

I never had the guts to tell them the truth.

I was hoping I could become a firefighter and move out but that possibility is fading more and more with how screwed up I am physically and mentally as a Veteran

I’m 24. Former Army Medic. Got Medically Separated from the Executive Order removing Transgender Servicemembers. I wish to ask for advice whether it be what to study for, HOW to study for the written test, or what accommodations and/or grants to request with HQ. I paid for my prep classes and the written test and CPAT out of pocket.

For some context: Army messed me up in many more ways than one. From how I see the world to how I now process information. Doesn’t help I lost my job with the Army due to me being Non-Gender Binary. Even though I regret wasting 2 years of my life for the Army, I’m eternally grateful to at least gotten my EMT Certification. I dropped out of Community College before enlisting in the Army. I dropped out of Community College after returning from the Army because my old Community College had no regard for giving me any units from my time training to me serving as a Medic. Learning has always been rough. For whatever reason I somehow managed to get through Army Medic training back in 2024 and became a Medic.

I showed up to the Practice Test. Sat front row. Flunked the Video part. For whatever reason I couldn’t catch the Station Number, never-mind was I able to even gather what the guy going to the station was asking the Captain for. All I could gather really was them showing up for fear of wildfire spreading to their house via their neighbor’s house or something. I think they wanted to go pick up sand bags? I couldn’t for the life of me understand what was going on or what was being asked. At best all I got was the address of the neighbor and that they were able to pick up [fire department sandbags] every week between April to May.

I barely was able to decipher between what was important versus what was “fluff” according to the proctor when they passed out the pre test essay.

I lost so much time on the intest essay because not only did I forget it was “open book” but something the Proctor said made me think that I was “looking for similarities and differences between this essay and the pre test essay”. I flunked this portion too

The math portion for whatever reason was the easiest part for me. I’m able to work with percentages, decimals, fractions, and even do equations that would require PEMDAS.

I can somewhat wrap my head around pulleys and gears, but I don’t understand cables in the slightest. Even after the Proctor “explained” them.

Arguably the worst portion I did was trying to do the pre-essay questions after 2 hours have elapsed. I couldn’t for the life of me remember what the essay was even about. I don’t even think I got any of the questions right.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me why I’m like this. I’m on anti-depressants. I’m trying to get back into fitness. Here’s how I was in college/the Army

College I was generally a C-Average Student who rarely got anything above a 75%.

Army I got a high enough score in the ASVAB to be eligible to train to become a Medic. I got 80 questions on the NREMT and passed. I barely scraped by at best averaging 73% on tests. I barely got my patients off the X in under 3 minutes. I struggle a lot with doing IV sticks.

All and all I never was the smartest. At best my neurodivergent self hyperfixates on random topics. Learning’s always has been hard for me. I feel embarrassed to have even showed up to so much as the practice written test. My CPAT Practice is later this week. I don’t feel as confident in that either anymore.