u/Ill-Apartment8358

I'm 23F and have been struggling in life. I think I'm at the worst point I've been at. It's day 4 now of me isolating in a spare room at my house that I live at with my parents.

My dog threw up in my room 4 days ago while I was at work and I couldn't clean it. I don't know why. I went to this spare room and have just been laying here. The first two days I didn't eat. I have been on occassion now. I cut deeper than I have currently- every session has gotten progressively worse. Some were to fat but I haven't bothered to clean or do anything about them. I got my period the first day and couldn't move out of bed. The sheets in here are all covered in blood. I've managed to get out of bed to switch pads for the most part.

I've been attempting suicide since I was 11 and every attempt gets more severe. They're always overdoses and tend to be related to relationships ending. I've been in therapies and on medications since about 13 when I started getting treatment (diagnosed for ADD/depression/anxiety) I see the same therapist I've been seeing for 2 years. I don't take medication right now. I got diagnosed for BPT/Borderline Personality Structure. I don't have a family doctor and can't "get" a BPD diagnosis without one.

Nothing feels like it's working. I hate everyone, I don't trust anyone. I've been in hospitals but it generally goes nowhere and with me being kicked out because I refuse to talk.

Similar thing happened lately with my therapist- I kept telling her I don't want to be better, I just want things to get worse and she asked me if I still wanted to do therapy. I said yes, but I'm worried that's going to end, too. I feel beyond help, like no professional knows what to do with me.

I have a job, but I've been neglecting it. I tried college this past year but got out on academic probation after the first semester.

Everything feels traumatic. I shutdown with medical stuff and usually just fall into a state of answering everything with "I don't know" when it comes to doctors. School I have the same issue.

I used to want relationships a lot but all my experiences have been physical/emotional abuse, ghosting or unfulfilling. I don't think I'm capable of having feelings for people in dynamics that aren't unhealthy.

I've stopped talking to people for the past few days. I just talk to ChatGPT. I hate connection, I hate real life, I hate people, I hate myself. I have no energy or motivation to do anything.

Punpun has been one of my all time favourite pieces of media- I can't remember how long ago (minimum 5 years) I first read it or what was happening in my life, but it stuck.

I remember reading it when I saw people online saying how it made them depressed or suicidal and as someone who was, I wanted to see if it really would make things worse.

I certainly find it a depressing story, but at the same time I find it motivational. Rereading I am reminded of how much a negative outlook affects one's life and I realize how much I want to NOT be like so many of these characters.

I'm finally rereading it at a time I feel is my lowest. I'm really enjoying it but don't have anyone in my life who's also read it.

I'd love to see what other people got out of the book and what drove them to reading it :))

I know it's long, but any and all advice is appreciated

I (F23) was friends with a guy (26M) for 3 years. We got closer, hooked up, and things escalated emotionally pretty quickly (he initiated things first). He was still connected to his ex during this time, they did everything together since I've known them/after they broke up and their situation seemed toxic at best, abusive at worst.

When we saw each other the first time in person after hooking up he'd told me he "loved me" I said "that's crazy" and he immediately said he "didn't mean it like that" but refused to clarify what he actually meant. When we went to dinner together, he paid (I paid the next time and we kept going back). We held hands in public, he rented a hotel room for us (he insisted he'd pay). We talked a lot about personal issues, like both having a history of SH and attempting or almost attempting suicide in the past.

We texted every day, were mutually flirting, and talking more seriously about things- he asked what I'd thought of marriage at a point and had said he wanted a "closed relationship" eventually, but wanted to know me better first when I asked what he wanted. I developed real feelings and eventually asked to be exclusive, and he agreed but said he needed time to figure out if he wanted to be in a relationship. I was fine with that.

Not long after, he became distant and stopped responding for about a month. When he did respond, he mentioned concerns about my previous open relationship and said he essentially heard I'd cheated (but never talked to me or my ex-boyfriend for clarification- I did not cheat on my ex). He said things like "this doesn't matter long term, though" or said other things that implied it wasn't over. I ended the conversation by pretty much saying if he couldn't trust me or communicate with me, I couldn't do a relationship anyways.

A month later he moved across the country, and I later learned his ex moved to the same place. He sent a brief apology another month later, on NYE, that essentially was "I don't know if I'm stupid for saying this but I'm sorry, I hope you're doing better. I should have talked to you when I realized it wasn't going to work. I'll never initiate contact again if that's what you want." I never replied.

I never talked with his ex at all since him and I got closer- neither of us messaged the other. I know from other mutuals she shit talks me (as recently as last month). The one time he'd come over, she messaged him "I see you're at ____"- they used Bump, but she'd never been to my house and somehow knew my address. She made my contact name on her phone "jealous and insecure".

**Context that might make the situation more complex- we exist in the same large social circles and will likely see one another again. A lot of people that have known him for years before me called him genuine and thought we would make a good pair/were expecting him to be better once he left his ex. He didn't have deep or emotional conversations outside of me or his ex. I don't know for sure but heard part of the reason he moved was because she threatened him with extortion.

I feel like I'm at the worst point of my life. The last time I saw him was the end of October and it's still haunting me every day. My self harm is the worst it's ever been- there's scars covering my legs that are deep enough to never entirely heal. I attempted suicide a few months ago. I'm on academic probation. I had a streak of numbing with substance use and sex. I have a doctor and therapist I see, but nothing feels like it's improving.

I constantly feel like I did something wrong but I don't know what. I don't know if everything was fake. I feel broken for catching feelings. I'm constantly wondering if someone new doesn't like me secretly (I've stopped getting invited to a lot of things I used to). This was the first person I caught feelings for who wasn't abusive and I feel like that was my only opportunity.