u/IdkAGoodUserNameOpps

I am a male and there has been curiosity in me about changing my gender but never will, you people go thru so much hatred it’s so disgusting to me. I fully support yall. I’ve done lots of research to debate my dad and have open conversations about your rights as people, since he openly dislikes trans people to me, which is actual makes me question his sexuality because I know bigotry stems from insecurity in ones self…but anyways lol.

The reason I think this is that I used to catfish as a woman on sites like Omegle and stuff when I was a kid. I was confused and genuinely had some interest in “what if I was a woman?” “I kind want to be a woman” etc etc. I also messaged my friend one time asking what it was like to be a woman? and listen and it made me very interested. I grew out of it but I did till 13 or so.

I guess on some level the more I learn about transgender people and that some trans people don’t have gender dysphoria and that some transgender people just prefer the idea of living as a woman or man takes me back to my childhood. There is also very large interest in makeup for me and I wish I could go out with heavy makeup without people starring. I just have so much anxiety about it and I couldn’t even imagine that, let alone being transgender

I’m unfortunately, because of this never going to change my gender identity, it is way too much to handle being transgender mental health wise with what’s going on in the world. My town is very conservative so I know I would get stared at constantly till I have a lot more feminine presenting traits and my dad would disown me, but I can’t help put shake this feeling if my dad had a lot more support for things and wasn’t a bigot, if I would have ended up explore way more with things.

I just wanted to throw it out there and talk about this openly with people who are transgender, what are your thoughts on what I’m saying? I’m sorry if it comes across crappy to question these things, and I don’t want to take away from anyones lived experiences but I wasn’t sure where else to ask people this than reddit.

For context: My brother when he was a kid SA’ed me. My dad also yelled a lot, especially at my brother

I’ve learned the hard way because I have a very loving partner who I didn’t deserve at the time tell me to reach out to a therapist, because of my trauma, and it was making me have avoidant attachment issues our relationship. I finally did, and did I ever learn so much about myself and others is an understatement. I am much healthier now and in a great relationship on both sides and very much regretful of my past but so is she. I personally think we trauma bonded because we’ve both been through the ringer when it comes to our childhood.

Now that I have emotional intelligence, I’m genuinely at a loss of words on how to express my trauma. The only thing I feel is a bit of sadness and empty, sometimes anger but that’s more rare.

I’ve done so much personal research on my own trauma and experiencing growing up, and now I’m just at a loss of words.

For starters, how can I stay mad at my brother for hurting me the way he did, when he was a kid too? How can I stay mad him when my dad constantly yelled at him and he needed that control and power in his life to feel safe (because that’s a trauma response to getting yelled at as a kid)…ok so do I blame my dad? Well the short answer is no.

He was yelled at all the time as a kid by his dad. He had lots of trauma and that is his trauma response. How can I stay angry at everyone when I understand what lead up to their actions? How come I am the only one who understands these concepts in my family? Do I still blame them because I put in the work that they never did? Do I forgive them and forget that my trauma had any relevance to my messed up behaviour? If I blame them am I being a hypocrite because I don’t blame myself for my actions back then because of what happened to me, and holding other people to higher standards than myself? It’s honestly just all very emotionally exhausting and I struggle to handle it.

I’ve been crying for the last week because I don’t even know how to approach it anymore. I go from being mad to understanding, to being sad about the kid in me that got his childhood stolen. Then I start second guessing what I could have done differently as a child which is total crap because I was a CHILD.

Anyways, has anyone else struggled with this? Having emotional intelligence with a messed up childhood is the greatest blessing and curse at the same time. It helps paint the picture so much clearer but it also leaves my emotions very lost. I’m going to go back to therapy and try to talk about this because I’m really tired of staying up crying about things being the way they are.

I was abused by my brother and everytime I said yes, however it was made clear I was very uncomfortable with what was happening too me and he was old enough to understand that at the time. I also think power dynamics played a big role because I was bullied by my brother very heavily so I felt they would be consequences if I said no.

Unfortunately I opened up to a friend about my abuse, while still not understanding it, and told them I was doing things with my brother and then I talked to my friend about it. They then asked if I wanted to have se* and I said yes because I felt like I’d lose him as a friend if I didn’t because of my trauma and not coming to terms with it.

It really hurts because I said yes (uncomfortably) to my brother as well and then I did things with a friend, my loved ones know about my brother, but I keep down my friend one because I didn’t at any point communicate discomfort because I felt like I had too for some reason which is why I struggle to feel like a victim to it because I never said no but I was very clearly uncomfortable and upset in both situations at the time. The friend was my age and might not have known better, but my brother definitely should have known better, which is why I don’t feel victimized by my friend but both situations still hurt. It’s hard to feel valid sometimes especially since my brother was 13-14 at the time and I was 10-11, and my friend was the same age, and I never said no. It hurts because I do have questions about the outcome if I did say no, and I struggle a lot blaming myself about it sometimes. Please help validate my experience, or tell me to fuck off if I’m just not valid enough and I’ll understand :(

I’ve been thinking about reaching out to mine

I say this because I am also a childhood SA survivor, and ever thing I got SA’ed I’ve struggled with hyper sexuality, and personally whenever I listen to this song it makes me sad because I know what Johnathan has gone thru, and I know that makes me hypersexual because of the way my brain reacted to that trauma, does anyone else think there is a deeper connection to this in this song?

Hi guys, i just recently joined this sub and want to hare my experience and ask what peoples theirs.

I was abused by my 3 year older brother. I’ve struggled with this my whole life.

My parents divorced and I felt like I had too move in with my dad and I never wanted to share what was happening because I felt disgusting

I went to live my dad but he was very emotionally abusive at times, and yelled at me a lot, he also yelled at my brother before he moved out, and I’ve always wondered if that’s why he did what he did.

It sucked feeling like I had to escape one person who made me feel unsafe to be around another person who made me feel unsafe, it did a lot of harm to my metal heath at the time. I wasn’t well.

Now as an adult I struggle with hating my old self. I used to hit myself in the face and self harm to cope with the pain because I always believed it was my fault my childhood was so messed up, I didn’t want to believe the people I’m supposed to love the most are purposely hurting me.

Nowadays I’m more emotionally stable and better and know it’s not my fault, I told my mom and she’s been really worried about me, and she told my brother (with my consent) and she told me how much he hates himself for it. I also know my dad yelled about him coming out as bi which could have added to why he did it too, as I am also a male so he probably thought he could “experiment” on me..I don’t know, I’m thinking I need to see some therapy about it, as I haven’t felt the need too since I consider myself very healthy about the situation, but now I almost want to humanize him again?

I don’t know what to do anymore. This has destroyed a large part of my life. It made me live with someone unsafe for me. I go back and forth from hating him to feeling bad and empathetic too him. I’ve been struggling a lot with it these last few days.

What has been everyone else’s experience?

100bb effective stacks

Villain in CO opens 2bb

I’m on BTN and 3b to 5bb with A8ss

Villain calls 5bb

In game thoughts: When I’m verse a fish I size down my 3b size to get them to call way more hands and make more mistakes post-flop against me that I can take advantage of. I did 3b a bit looser in game as well because they had 38 VPIP so I know this player is worse than your average fish.

Flop: (11.5bb) Ah Kc 5c

Villain checks

Hero bets 4.2bb

Villain SNAP calls 4.2bb

Turn: 5d (18.9bb)

They SNAP donk bet 11.94bb

Hero calls 11.94bb

River 7d (42.78bb)

They bet 19.90bb after some thought

Hero: All in 77.86bb

My thoughts: Every Ax on this board is chop due the board being the way it is (AA55K) expect AK which should always 4b preflop in villain shoes, and A5, which I think snap donking the turn after getting a full house is very unusual/not normal. They would check to me almost 100% of the time trying to keep in bluffs, or at the very least if they were to make this type of play with a hand like this, I would expect much more time. The river sizing was also very face-up to me. If they had 5x, A5, AK wouldn’t they size up and get way more greedy against my Ax hands? To me, this just seemed like a fish being unsure how to play Ax in this hand, and I strongly believed this to be AT-AQo and suited A6-A9s or even if they call the offsuit hands given it’s a fish. I believe I could make them fold Ax hands about half the time thus making this plus EV. My concern is I could be getting called by 5x considering the high VPIP but the PFR was 20% so that makes me know a lot of the 5x the arrive here with would be limped over opened.

Is still just a punt or something that was a really good play? Villain folds btw, but obviously that doesn’t mean the play is good because of 1 outcome.