u/Healthy_Ladder_6198

A hunter from the East goes hunting out West in Wyoming.

He hires a guide and the next day they get up bright and early and begin their adventure.
At some point the hunter has to use a commode.
He says to his guide, "Man, I really have to use the restroom. Where is it?"

The guide cracks up laughing, "Are you serious? We're in the middle of Wyoming and you're asking where the restroom is?"

"Well it's kinda an emergency." the hunter says.

The guide says, "You just hang your ass over that log over there. We're roughing it today, Sport!

So,the hunter does his business but realizes there is no toilet paper so he asks his guide, “What do I use to clean up with?

The guide says, “You got a dollar?”

The hunter says, "I do"

The guide says, "Just use that!"

The hunter comes back with poop all over himself. He was a disgusting mess.

The guide says, "What the hell, man. What happened to you?"

The hunter says, "You try cleaning yourself up with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel!"

After the community sing-along led by Sister Patricia at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Harry the Hypnotist!

Harry announced that he was about to put the entire audience into a trance.

“Yes, each and every one of you, all at the same time,” he declared confidently.

The excited chatter faded into silence as Harry carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch with a delicate chain.

“I want you to keep your eyes on this watch,” said Harry, holding it high for everyone to see.

“It’s a very special and valuable timepiece that has been in my family for six generations.”

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while softly chanting,

“Watch the watch - watch the watch - watch the watch.”

The audience grew mesmerized as the watch swayed rhythmically. The lights twinkled as they reflected off its gleaming surface. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed its slow, hypnotic motion.

Then suddenly, they were under Harry’s control.

However, just as the trance took hold, the chain of the old watch snapped. The beautiful timepiece fell to the stage floor and shattered on impact.

“Crap,” said Harry.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens’ Centre — and Harry was never invited back again.

Because I wore a tea shirt

Two old friends, Earl (80) and Frank (87), were sitting on a park bench one morning.

Frank had just finished his morning walk around the park and didn’t even look winded.

Earl was amazed and asked, “Frank, how do you have so much energy at your age?”

Frank grinned and said, “Simple… I eat rye bread every single day.”

“It keeps your energy up and gives you great stamina with the ladies.”

On his way home, Earl stopped by the local bakery.

The young woman behind the counter asked, “Can I help you, sir?”

Earl said, “Yes ma’am… do you sell rye bread?”

“Of course we do,” she replied. “How many loaves would you like?”

Earl thought for a moment and said, “Better make it five loaves.”

The baker looked surprised and said, “Five loaves? By the time you get to the third one, it’ll be hard.”

Earl muttered under his breath, “Well I’ll be… I can’t believe everybody already knows about this.”

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

He lost

She brought him a small wooden tool to use to start a fire and said it reminded her of them. He asked her why she brought such a unusual item. She replied, "It's a match made in heaven."

I said “Jack, who’s he

I can't believe the nerve of some employers.
I have a friend who had to have all his toes amputated due to diabetes.
Well he went to apply for a lifeguard position. They rejected him, and when he asked why; it turns out they were lack toes intolerant.

Frank wasn’t much of a student growing up, but he had a real gift for painting portraits.

Within a few years, his reputation spread, and people from all across the country started coming to his little town to have their portraits done.

One afternoon, a glamorous woman pulled up to his house in a long black limousine and asked if he would paint her portrait in the nude.

Frank had never received a request like that before and didn’t quite know what to say, especially when she added that money was no object and she’d happily pay up to ten thousand dollars.

Not wanting to cause trouble at home, Frank asked her to wait outside while he went in to talk things over with his wife, Betty.

They debated it for quite a while, discussing whether it was proper or not.

In the end, Betty finally agreed—but only on one condition.

A few minutes later, Frank returned to the woman.

“My wife says it’s okay,” he told her.

“I’ll be happy to paint your portrait in the nude…”

“But I’ll have to keep my socks on so I’ve got somewhere to wipe my brushes.”

But does anyone know where the...

Minneapolis?

Now my battery keeps draining

Several years ago, Jim was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all the other inmates.

The warden believed that, deep down, Jim was a decent man. So he arranged for Jim to learn a trade while serving his time.

After about three years, Jim had become one of the best carpenters in the whole county.

Sometimes he was even given a weekend pass to do small jobs for folks around town, and he always returned to the prison by Sunday evening.

Jim was the definition of a model inmate.

One day, the warden decided he wanted to remodel his kitchen, but he didn’t have the skills to build new cabinets and a large countertop.

So he called Jim into his office and asked if he could take on the job.

To the warden’s surprise, Jim immediately refused.

“But you’re an expert, Jim, and I really could use your help,” said the warden.

“Gee, Warden, I’d sure love to help you…

…but counter fitting is what got me in here in the first place.”

But he’s still making fun of me

Troubleshooting

The same middle name

Ryan and Emily were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ryan suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Emily promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Emily's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Emily the news she said, 'Emily, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ryan hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Emily replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?

Have to love Easter baby

Last week I was at a big holiday toy sale at the mall.

There was a huge line forming at one counter where they were restocking Barbie dolls.

As I was looking, I noticed an old friend of mine standing in the line.

Knowing Frank pretty well, I was sure he didn’t have any daughters or granddaughters.

So I walked over and said, “Frank! I didn’t know you collected dolls.”

He shook his head and said, “Nope, not at all.”

“Well then,” I said, “you must be buying a Christmas gift for someone.”

He smiled and said, “Nope, not doing that either.”

Now I was really curious.

So I asked, “Then why on earth are you standing in this long line?”

Frank grinned and said,

“I’ve just never been able to resist a good Barbie queue"

He said, “Kiss?”

I said, “Let’s listen to the music first and see how we feel.”