u/Hastytag1693

I'm quiet and shy, but genuinely try to be friendly at work.

I used to treat all my coworkers as friends, especially the ones I'm close to in age.

About 6 months ago, a new coworker of ours, Samir, started at his job.

I realised fairly quickly that Samir is very conservative. Took me a while to see he's homophobic, transphobic, a misogynist, the whole deal.

But Samir only made such comments when we were in a smaller group of younger people.

I asked him jokingly to shut his trap when he made such comments -- he kept making weird phobic one-liners.

It culminated when he started laughing at one of our coworkers, X, because he believes X to be gay (he doesn't use that word to refer to gays though).

Two other colleagues Mandy and Gabriella were there and stayed silent.

I was shocked and annoyed.

I jokingly told him to GTFO. Started pulling his chair towards the exit (I didn't touch him though).

Mandy stopped me saying "No, it's awkward stop it".

After this event, I started mentioning these "inappropriate", "non-inclusive" comments to Mandy and Gabriella who were present with me when it occured. I asked them why I was the only one speaking up.

Then I had a serious talk with Samir to explain why I had taken the incidents badly.

The situation now:

1. When I confronted Samir, he acted confused and surprised.

He says he never made inappropriate comments. That he's not the type to make fun of others. He apologised if he hurt my feelings.

I told him I noticed he never said anything when it was just the 2 of us, only when Mandy and Gabriella were here.

He said "Yeah of course cause I know you're not gonna find it funny".

2. I confronted Mandy about why, in my view, she always prevented me from speaking up.

She first said she always spoke up along with me (which contradicts my experience).

She then said Samir never made inappropriate comments.

She said I had to deal with my feelings myself.

She said she wasn't going to stop talking to Samir just because of something I thought happened.

When I pressed to explain I didn't like being cut off when speaking up to Samir (I had more examples than the one told here):

She said it never happened and said I was lying.

I told her I had to go, while telling myself we could reprise the conversation at another time.

I heard one of her conversations with Samir and she basically says I was hostile and unkind and that I'm now avoiding her.

That's sort of true because I want to focus on my workload and I can now do it without being interrupted.

3. Gabriella (a non-native speaker) told me she doesn't care what Samir says because he's not someone close to her ("he's only a colleague" sort of talk).

4. I've known Mandy the longest and she loves gossip. She used to tell me "I only tell *you* these things, I'm not a gossip".

But I've been uncomfortable for a while because she tells Samir, Gabriella and me things people have told her.

She shared things (very personal things) I've told her with Samir (that I know of).

I've stopped telling her anything about anyone (too late).

My problem:

I'm acting normally at work, but I started distancing myself from Mandy (and of course Samir).

I'm no longer seeking them out and won't talk to them unless needed to.

But I heard Mandy say that I'm being ridiculous and overly sensitive.

I also know that:

A) I'm fairly new at this job (almost 1 year here). I don't want a bad reputation at work because of this whole story.

B) I'm shy and this four person group (Mandy, Gabriella, Samir, me) was the only group I was included in.

I don't mind being alone but outsiders don't know what happened and will only notice I'm being excluded.

Now I **know** I'm the troublemaker. So I get why I'm now excluded from the group.

And I know I hurt Mandy's feelings when confronting her and because of my behaviour after.

Am I the AH ?

Comme s'il vous manquait quelque chose en vous ? Comme si vous n'étiez pas complet ?

Je suis entouré de gens (famille, amis, travail) mais je me sens tellement vide.

Toujours seul et déconnecté des autres.

Capable de papoter et blaguer mais jamais capable de tisser un lien.

Je n'ai **jamais** réussi à m'intégrer.

Aujourd'hui, j'ai voulu partager un événement marquant et joyeux pour moi.

Je n'ai aucun groupe d'amis, donc j'ai posté un message sur le groupe familial (+30 pers).

Je ne me suis pas vanté, j'ai juste fait une blague un peu dépréciative et envoyé une photo drôle.

J'ai eu un 👍 et un Bravo. C'est mieux que pas de réponse, ce qui est déjà arrivé.

Ça résume mes interactions sociales : ça marche quand je m'intéresse aux autres.

Mais si je propose un sujet de discussion: silence total.

29 ans. Toujours seul, toujours mal.

Je déteste les mensonges du type "ça s'améliore avec le temps", "ça changera, tu verras" auxquels j'ai crus.

J’ai l’impression que ça ne finira jamais.

Parfois, je me dis: certains d'entre nous ne serons jamais heureux ? Ou jamais normaux

Je suis loin d'être parfaite, mais j'essaie d'être claire par message et en personne.

Il y a pas longtemps, j'ai écrit de longs messages à un mec en expliquant que: "Non, je ne veux pas coucher après notre 2e date et je ne changerai pas d'avis. Même si on prend un verre, même si on va chez toi."

Il me dit : "D'accord, je ne vais pas te forcer."

Je finis par accepter de le voir, chez lui car flemme daller au restau après une longue journée.

On regarde un film, et... il force.

Je lui dit non, je répète mes raisons.

Le pauvre (/s), il était vraiment déconcerté. Il me demande pourquoi.

Il répète qu'il ne va pas me forcer, mais me fait comprendre qu'il n'est pas habitué à attendre aussi longtemps (le pauvre, /s).

C'est mon 7e date en 13 mois et c'est la 6e fois que je me retrouve à devoir me justifier et refuser toute relation sexuelle dès le premier, le deuxième, voire le troisième rendez-vous.

J'ai eu de la chance d'être tombé sur un type bien, il ne m'a pas lâché :

« Tu veux même pas me sucer ? » (déjà vécu).

Je ne veux pas généraliser, mais est-ce devenu normal ?

Oui, j'ai rencontré ces hommes à 90% via les applis -- mais ceux que je rencontré en dehors ont eu des comportements pires.

Et puis, pourquoi est-ce si acceptable pour eux de risquer ma santé lorsqu'il s'imagine nos relations sexuelles ?

Ex: "Non j'ai pas de préservatifs, je pensais que tu aurais pris tes précautions" ; le mutisme quand je propose de parler dépistage ; le silence terrifié dès que je mentionne un lubrifiant (ou pire: "Pas de ça avec moi, tu n'en auras pas besoin ;) ;)")

Comme d'hab, je voulais garder ça court, mais je n'ai pas réussi...

I started a new job recently (<1 yr) and met Mandy, a seemingly confident colleague, 27F.

Problem is, I've just realised:

**Mandy honestly believes she can do no wrong**.

Her self-perception:

Kind, funny, very confident, never afraid of speaking her mind, person you can trust who hates gossip

STORY :

Recently, I told her she googled someone ONCE, to see what he looked like, and I was there.

She lost it and started calling me a liar who lies and invents things.

She said she didn't like this very serious accusation.

Now I've got a pretty good memory so I know she did it. And I didn't mean it as an accusation, but it happened.

**But during my conversation with Mandy, she was adamant she never EVER did this or that, and both times those were actions that would have rocked her self-perception.**

BACKSTORY :

**A male colleague of ours says sexist, homophobic stuff, etc.**

**In my view, Mandy always prevents me from speaking on behalf of the communities he insults.**

In her view, she ALWAYS said something and supported me.

But I was there and I know she never said anything, except to cut me off and change the subject.

It's like her self-perception clouds her memory.

I wanted to talk about this with Mandy because my resentment was building.

It was a mistake and I made things worse.

QUESTIONS :

1)**What do you make of someone who says they didn't do (say) something, but you know they did (say)? **

2. I left the conversation with Mandy at that. Going forward :

**How do I handle my relationship with Mandy diplomatically?**

Tldr: friendly colleague has a very very positive perception of self which contradicts facts I witnessed