u/Great_Cauliflower775

Exactly as the title says. I feel like either I will die by suicide (probably impulsively because of an intense unbearable episode) or from the amount of physical stress this fucking disorder has put my body through. I will never be free. And no one, no one can understand. No one. Everyone tries to, but they always say that I’m too much in the end. That I need too much care. I’m too emotional. I don’t even blame them anymore. I know my pain radiates from my body even if I don’t direct it towards anyone. They just feel it from being next to me. I feel like a poisonous slug. Maybe being alone is the only way to keep myself and others safe. But the unbearable pain feels so physical sometimes I think I’m having a heart attack and either I will die from that heart attack or I will fling myself off the edge to stop the pain. I’m tired. I have lost hope after years of clinging on.

Last year I got my partner a really nice pair of cowboy boots that were really expensive and out of our budget (at the time I was the only one working and bringing in any kind of income), since they had expressed the desire to get them but were broke. It wasn’t for a special occasion or anything, I just surprised them with them one day. But today they told me that they sold them for less than half of their value because they needed the money. I am really sad, because I worked hard to get those for them, and they really wanted them. But they sold the boots pretty easily. When they told me, I just said I understood, but I feel really sad. Especially since this isn’t the first gift of mine that they sold. Just a couple of months ago they sold a nice bag that I got them, and they casually told me about it because they forgot that I was the one who gave it to them in the first place. I am the one gifting them things because I am still the one with money at the moment, but it feels like they are profiting off my love. It just feels unfair :(. Am I being entitled/childish?

Edit: Just some clarification, both the boots and the bag were bought last year. They sold the bag a couple of months ago and they sold the boots today. I have already communicated that I was hurt when they sold the bag. I also do give them money for essentials, and pay for shared things. Both the bag and the boots were things they told me they wanted (they were going to save up and buy them themselves, but I wanted to make them happy and just get it for them). I did not sacrifice our budget for them, I used my own money. We don’t even have a defined budget, since it’s just my money, so I guess I should’ve said that I saved up my own money (I had to sacrifice a few things I wanted to buy for myself, so no, I didn’t go broke buying the boots, I simply let go of some of my luxuries for them). We are both in college and they do not have a job, but occasionally get money from selling things and stuff. When they can’t afford essentials I get it for them.

There was another incident tonight. I think it might be my fault. Idk anymore. I just want to curl up into a ball and die. I reacted like a deer in headlights, my heart rate was through the roof, I was shaking, crying, trying to disassociate and just apologize so they would stop. Obey so I can escape. I’ve never felt this kind of fear before in my life until I met them, and I’ve been through so much. It’s been a few hours now. I’m back in my own apartment. How do I recover? I feel like I’m floating through a void. I don’t know if I’m even here right now. I was making so much progress the past few days, detaching myself from them and becoming stronger and more resilient. I thought I would make it. But now I’m at square -10 and I feel so weak. I feel so weak I want to shrivel up and disintegrate.

How, how do you get the strength and courage to leave an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship? My partner is genuinely all that I have. I am all they have. How do I leave? Is it possible for me to stay safely? I want so desperately to be free but I am so, so scared of the cold silence of being so incredibly alone. Truly, they are the only person I’ve ever met who I’ve connected to on this level, not just on the physical level, but spiritually as well. The issue is I don’t actually want to leave, I just want the nice loving version of them all the time, so I want to stay. I don’t even know if I’m making sense. I feel like I’m going insane I don’t know what’s going on anymore, I’m forgetting things and imagining things.