I don't know what's wrong with me, it doesn't matter if I'm feeling good or awful, I just wanna cut myself. I'm always thinking about going deeper, cutting until I get to the beans and eventually die from it. I don't have my blade right now, that's the only thing that is stopping me from doing it. I hate this but love it at the same time arghhh.
lazy rambling but sighhhs....Wish I could find comfort in good things but right now? Just want an older person to care, even though it's fake, gonna pretend it's true attention.
Wtf why do I feel this way? It's all my fault if I got groomed when I was between my 12-15yo, I'm creepier than those creeps I SWEAR TO GOD AHHH
When I was between 8-10 yo sorry I dont remember exactly the daughter of my mom friends who is 2yo older than me came home with her dad, she was my friend, and we were both went in my room, just the two of us. We talked like two normal child but after a few moment, she asked me if I wanted to watch something on her phone, and I said yes sooo yeah ;-; guess you know that she put some porn stuff. After she selected a vid, she asked me if I wanted to watch with her and I said no. Sooo I was at the opposite of the bed while she was playing with herself, I felt sooo much umcomfortable. She insisted for me to watch with her and if I wanted to touch my intimate part too and I just said that I was ok with watching a bit. We she had to leave she told me that if I tell anyone, she will say secrets about me to my other friends. And after that, I started to watch porn on my phone too (disadvantage of having unlimited internet access when I was a kid)
Today I'm 15, and I feel like it's not really sexual abuse because she never touched me and, well, people goes through much worse things when it's about COCSA/SA. I'm prob overreacting but sighhh