u/Global_Pianist4575

I (32M) am autistic, have ADHD-I, and recently got diagnosed with dyspraxia two months ago (hence why I say talk therapist since I'm in neurological rehabilitation too and that was how I got diagnosed). I've been in long-term therapy for close to 4 years now and it's been a bit of a roller coaster when it came to finding someone who could work with me. So, I jumped between different therapists quite often until I've found this current one who had stuck the longest with me given that she didn't leave the practice I've seen the past two years in this case nor is she super expensive. I should note that I'm posting it in this subreddit because I realize that generalization is an executive functioning issue for some and it certainly is for me no question.

I'm posting now because I had an incident today that ended up going south despite my intentions to hopefully settle things down. After a discussion I had earlier today with someone else, I realized that I've wanted to keep my immediate family (even though I live with them) out of my issues, never wanted anything involving leadership again, and more because that's not a responsibility I want to have at all. The person who I spoke to was ultimately trying to convince me to work a full-time job ASAP and had many of my conditions and was a much older adult with an adult autistic child in an old post about what I should do if I get a full-time job offer and how I can reconcile it with my neurological rehabilitation and (if approved) TMS appointments.

My coach who I see related to jobs and neurodivergent matters also thinks that sticking to my part-time vocational rehabilitation apprenticeship data entry position is good for now until my hours are up in November. My parents want me to take a full-time job ASAP if offered one though, hence the dilemma. Notably, I don't have a full-time job offer in hand yet and I apply for full-time jobs applicable to my studies and background when I can since I've noticed a lot of positions take a month or two before they even get back to me for the first interview. I could wrap up neurological rehabilitation and more before I segway into full-time work, which would be great. I ultimately deleted those posts and blocked who I spoke to since I realize I was planning for a hypothetical that may or may not be an issue while others assumed I just wasn't going to work a full-time job period (which isn't true).

While the discussion was brutal, the insight I gained from the discourse about not wanting the responsibility of leadership and, in this case, the responsibility of managing others. I also said that my desire to work behind the scenes was protecting others from myself too and in my own best interest too (my desire for those was a big reason I regret the initial professional path I chose but that's a topic for another day). This is also why I don't have a "huge friend circle" like my brothers and chose not to date ever again after I initiated a break up 7 years ago. Once I got a sense of what intimacy is like physically and tried romance, I never felt the urge to go back again because it's maintenance that I don't want in my life given it was a net negative with the outcome of "I don't want this anymore" and a sunk-cost fallacy of 4 years that I shouldn't have done at all.

I had also mentioned my evaluator and therapist who thought the "world needs me," but would give "tough love" and how that backfired on me. The same went for my life coach in undergrad who had strong reactions to what I did in social situations and was oblivious whether I was rude or not (e.g., he'd raise his voice and go, "You're rude! You're really, really rude!"). I think that treatment backfired on me since my takeaway was to not put myself in situations like those again. I didn't see it as worth it to keep going back to those situations either given that stress would be debilitating to me (which I now know is my oversensitive nervous system at work) if I didn't get things corrected the second time around (that's when I'd notice conflicts happened with me in my life with professors and professionals alike since it would come across as "he didn't learn" when I just learn slow in reality). Given that my brothers have known about my issues for some time, I texted them about it. I thought it would relieve them, but the opposite happened and they got worried about my rumination patterns.

One of my brothers did raise a good point about how I see stuff like what I sent them as a "new" thing. Or, as I like to say it after a counselor pointed it out to me, a game of "whack-a-mole" when it comes to these issues. The upside of this situation is that I did detect myself getting anxious as I wrote the text. Two months ago, before I did neurological rehabilitation, I would've said I was "calm" when I wasn't at all. It's not that I'd lie to myself, it was just that I wasn't aware my baseline was off until my neurological rehabilitation therapist corrected it via a somatic exercise we did and that I can now do on the fly to calm myself down.

How can I overcome this "whack-a-mole" issue ultimately? I did make a post nearly a week ago about external validation and how that's important to me according to my therapist. I agree with her and now I'm fine with conceding since well-meaning folks have told me that for a long time. For those who don't mean well though, it's not a concession to them by any means. I just had no understanding of what they meant by it at all since they'd just say it and wouldn't tie it to my behaviors at all. My therapist told me that my behaviors of "checking in" with others and/or looking at external metrics a ton (e.g., my grades) to see if I'm in a solid spot. Once she told me that I went, "Ooh, that makes sense now."

Before anyone mentions that the "whack-a-mole" issue comes from those resources, I disagree given that my autism is considered severe without supports. Even with supports, it's moderate and not mild. Prior to having an undergrad coach and another (my current) coach, I had a string of things I'd do that were similar to today where they'd be well-intentioned but rub others the wrong way.

To stick to my word as well, I left the Discord server where my brother and his friends hang to play games online and chat in voice chat to do him a favor so he wouldn't need to be concerned about seeing me in there. Similar to what I said in the text to him and my other brother, I did it for me too so I don't need to worry about my "autistic love language" of sending longer texts being misconstrued as something negative. A year or two ago, I would've said I did it solely for my brother whether he knows it or not but I know I did it for me too.

Others have also told me that I "self-sabotage" a lot and I'm wondering if how I acted by not only sending that text, but leaving the Discord server as well and unfriending the new people I met in that server on Steam is the sort of self-sabotage folks tried to warn me about in this case. Like the external validation piece, I could get the concept but I never knew how it manifested in my behavior. I don't know how my brother feels about leaving the server and whatnot yet, but I imagine he's not going to be happy even after I give him an explanation. It's better for me to know this now, but damage has definitely been done after I tried to expand my social circle in the past year no less (online and in person).

I (32M) am autistic, have ADHD-I, and recently got diagnosed with dyspraxia two months ago (hence why I say talk therapist since I'm in neurological rehabilitation too and that was how I got diagnosed). I've been in long-term therapy for close to 4 years now and it's been a bit of a roller coaster when it came to finding someone who could work with me. So, I jumped between different therapists quite often until I've found this current one who had stuck the longest with me given that she didn't leave the practice I've seen the past two years in this case nor is she super expensive.

I'm posting now because I had an incident today that ended up going south despite my intentions to hopefully settle things down. After a discussion I had earlier today with someone else, I realized that I've wanted to keep my immediate family (even though I live with them) out of my issues, never wanted anything involving leadership again, and more because that's not a responsibility I want to have at all. The person who I spoke to was ultimately trying to convince me to work a full-time job ASAP and had many of my conditions and was a much older adult with an adult autistic child in an old post about what I should do if I get a full-time job offer and how I can reconcile it with my neurological rehabilitation and (if approved) TMS appointments.

My coach who I see related to jobs and neurodivergent matters also thinks that sticking to my part-time vocational rehabilitation apprenticeship data entry position is good for now until my hours are up in November. My parents want me to take a full-time job ASAP if offered one though, hence the dilemma. Notably, I don't have a full-time job offer in hand yet and I apply for full-time jobs applicable to my studies and background when I can since I've noticed a lot of positions take a month or two before they even get back to me for the first interview. I could wrap up neurological rehabilitation and more before I segway into full-time work, which would be great. I ultimately deleted those posts and blocked who I spoke to since I realize I was planning for a hypothetical that may or may not be an issue while others assumed I just wasn't going to work a full-time job period (which isn't true).

While the discussion was brutal, the insight I gained from the discourse about not wanting the responsibility of leadership and, in this case, the responsibility of managing others. I also said that my desire to work behind the scenes was protecting others from myself too and in my own best interest too (my desire for those was a big reason I regret the initial professional path I chose but that's a topic for another day). This is also why I don't have a "huge friend circle" like my brothers and chose not to date ever again after I initiated a break up 7 years ago. Once I got a sense of what intimacy is like physically and tried romance, I never felt the urge to go back again because it's maintenance that I don't want in my life given it was a net negative with the outcome of "I don't want this anymore" and a sunk-cost fallacy of 4 years that I shouldn't have done at all.

I had also mentioned my evaluator and therapist who thought the "world needs me," but would give "tough love" and how that backfired on me. The same went for my life coach in undergrad who had strong reactions to what I did in social situations and was oblivious whether I was rude or not (e.g., he'd raise his voice and go, "You're rude! You're really, really rude!"). I think that treatment backfired on me since my takeaway was to not put myself in situations like those again. I didn't see it as worth it to keep going back to those situations either given that stress would be debilitating to me (which I now know is my oversensitive nervous system at work) if I didn't get things corrected the second time around (that's when I'd notice conflicts happened with me in my life with professors and professionals alike since it would come across as "he didn't learn" when I just learn slow in reality). Given that my brothers have known about my issues for some time, I texted them about it. I thought it would relieve them, but the opposite happened and they got worried about my rumination patterns.

One of my brothers did raise a good point about how I see stuff like what I sent them as a "new" thing. Or, as I like to say it after a counselor pointed it out to me, a game of "whack-a-mole" when it comes to these issues. The upside of this situation is that I did detect myself getting anxious as I wrote the text. Two months ago, before I did neurological rehabilitation, I would've said I was "calm" when I wasn't at all. It's not that I'd lie to myself, it was just that I wasn't aware my baseline was off until my neurological rehabilitation therapist corrected it via a somatic exercise we did and that I can now do on the fly to calm myself down.

How can I overcome this "whack-a-mole" issue ultimately? I did make a post nearly a week ago here about external validation and how that's important to me according to my therapist. I agree with her and now I'm fine with conceding since well-meaning folks have told me that for a long time. For those who don't mean well though, it's not a concession to them by any means. I just had no understanding of what they meant by it at all since they'd just say it and wouldn't tie it to my behaviors at all. My therapist told me that my behaviors of "checking in" with others and/or looking at external metrics a ton (e.g., my grades) to see if I'm in a solid spot. Once she told me that I went, "Ooh, that makes sense now."

Before anyone mentions that the "whack-a-mole" issue comes from those resources, I disagree given that my autism is considered severe without supports. Even with supports, it's moderate and not mild. Prior to having an undergrad coach and another (my current) coach, I had a string of things I'd do that were similar to today where they'd be well-intentioned but rub others the wrong way.

To stick to my word as well, I left the Discord server where my brother and his friends hang to play games online and chat in voice chat to do him a favor so he wouldn't need to be concerned about seeing me in there. Similar to what I said in the text to him and my other brother, I did it for me too so I don't need to worry about my "autistic love language" of sending longer texts being misconstrued as something negative. A year or two ago, I would've said I did it solely for my brother whether he knows it or not but I know I did it for me too.

Others have also told me that I "self-sabotage" a lot and I'm wondering if how I acted by not only sending that text, but leaving the Discord server as well and unfriending the new people I met in that server on Steam is the sort of self-sabotage folks tried to warn me about in this case. Like the external validation piece, I could get the concept but I never knew how it manifested in my behavior. I don't know how my brother feels about leaving the server and whatnot yet, but I imagine he's not going to be happy even after I give him an explanation. It's better for me to know this now, but damage has definitely been done after I tried to expand my social circle in the past year no less (online and in person).