u/GayAppleStoreMonkey

I align with the vast majority of the bpd symptoms. Except anger. This bothers me as having “explosive anger” seems to be vital for a diagnosis. In fact, I barely get angry at all. I can’t really remember the last time I was angry. You know in cartoons, how a character gets split into “shards” - multiple clones of themselves, as different emotions? If that happened to me, anger would be missing. I don’t feel anger. I didn’t feel anger when bad things were happening to me and I don’t feel anger when thinking about it as of right now. Could I still have bpd?

Right now it’s getting pretty bad, the worst in my life. I keep thinking of fair skin and blonde hair and how if I had it, I would feel more feminine, and life would generally be better. People would treat me better. I would look prettier. My beauty would be recognised. I would fit in. How if I bleached my hair, I could pass. Maybe look a little “spicy”, but still be seen as feminine, soft, moral, believable and trustworthy. I’m really, really, trying to fight it. Fighting my insecurities and everything horrible and dehumanising that I’ve been labelled as. I know that I have feminine features, I know that I look like a woman, and I know that I am pretty. But this little voice in my head is getting louder each minute. It makes me feel hopeless. Thankfully I don’t project my internalised racism onto other women of colour. It seems to be just on myself. I’m so used to being labelled as masculine to the point where I find myself uncomfortable and unfamiliar with being feminine. Doing things like wearing makeup, heels, perfume, trendy clothes. I love all of those things, but I always feel guilty when I indulge in them. That how I’ve been made to feel, that claiming the right to feel and be beautiful is me “indulging”, while for white girls, they’re allowed to, encouraged and supported to, do all of those things.

Hopefully this will all go away soon, like I said, it comes in waves.