u/Funny-Check-6408

I'm heavily out of it right now and I really just want to cha with someone to get my mind off of things so send me a pm if u wanna chat🙏

So I'm a trans guy and yk some people don't like me in my conservative town. The amount of times I've heard "hate the sin, not the sinner" talking about me is crazy. Me being transgender is apart of who I am and you cannot seperate that part from the rest of me😭 I'd also like to add, NOBODY fucking follows it. I've had the shit beaten out of me from guys who have said that to me. It just justifies the hate people carry for one another while playing pretend with respect. You cannot seperate someone's sin from them since who they are and the actions they made have made them the person they are today. That includes their sins. You can't cherry pick the parts to like and the parts to dislike about whoever like that. I have met only 2 Christian girls in my whole school who think that me being transgender is a sin but they still accept me because in their words they are no better than me since everyone sins. I love them bro they treat me like I'm human and then the same people saying "hate the sin, not the sinner" still call me slurs on the daily. I'm pretty sure that's just hating the sinner. I honestly just think this saying is bs

So I got a cousin and he's a pretty chill guy besides yk dating wise. I'm 14 so I do have a friend in highschool called L. L has been friends with C since childhood. L tells me C is in a relationship with a guy way to old for him. I ask who the guy is, and then he says my cousin's name💔 C is only 15 turning 16 soon while my cousin is 18 turning 19 at the end of this year. I'm very much a believer of a 2 year younger or older is your max as a teen so I don't know what to think of my cousins relationship. Is this weird?

I should say that I am a teenager and my parents have not confronted me about my self harm.

A month or so ago I relapsed and cut my wrist while high. Usually, I could just hide all my other cuts and scars since I did them in places it was never visible but I cannot hide these with summer coming up. A few days ago, I had only a shirt on, no sweater, and I had a few drawings on my arm which my mom asked to see. She looked at my arm and once she got down to my wrist I saw a change in her face. I know she probably saw something but she has not talked to me about it yet.

A few months ago, I remember talking to her about some stuff and she said that she thinks if someone is hurting themselves or anyone else they need to be institutionalized. I know if she confronts me about this she'll probably ask to see the rest of my body and I don't know what the hell I'm going to do after that. I know I'll get sent to a mental hospital if I'm confronted and I don't want to go because, I don't want my privacy and freedom taken away. I have had friends who have gone to a mental hospital and they all said it was awful. I don't want to be labeled with whatever and monitored 24/7. I feel like somehow my drug use will be figured out aswell if I go to a mental hospital and I don't want that either.

I don't know what to do and I just pray my mom doesn't actually confront me

So I was using drugs like weed daily and psychedelics and alcohol more than weekly. I went into psychosis and after almost killing myself in a state of psychosis I knew I was done with all of it. I am done with drugs and I already know I've ruined so much I can't get back because of drugs. Nobody knows the severity and how bad things got besides my sister a bit since she helped make sure I didn't actually kill myself or anything like that while I was in psychosis. It's been a bit now and I was feeling better, I mean, I still felt out of it but I was doing good. Then I decided "why not one more smoke?" Shit decision. It has been a couple days now and I still feel out of it. It feels like how I felt when I was high and I don't even see why I try to sober up when I still have a sensation that feels like being high. Everything just feels so fake and I've had this derealization for over 2 years now. I just want to feel normal but I feel from how much I've done at so young I've already screwed myself over. I lost one of my closest friends too and he wasn't good for me but also trying to manage all of this without having a friend to talk to hurts. I don't know what to do and I feel eventually I'm just gonna ruin my sobriety and dig myself into a deeper hole with drinking or drugs again. Life feels repetitive and pointless and next year I go back to public school and I don't know if I can bear that. I got bullied severely and I know I will again. I could barely get through public school with liquor and weed dragging me through most of it and I don't know if I can do that all again sober. I don't know if I want to grow up and I feel like I'm not going to make it to the end of this year. I've ruined so much and I wish I have never touched drugs