u/Fumquat

Best flair match I could figure, just looking for a vibes check.

I’m in a two-ND-persons relationship and food is an interesting aspect.

I’ll put literally anything non-dangerous into my mouth (once) just to see what happens, and my partner has an amusing mix of risk avoidance, hyper-precise recipes, and unconventional ideas. One day it’s, “Crap, this is dark meat, not light meat, can’t substitute, no good.” and the next it’s, “Why don’t you put peanut butter and jelly on your steak tips? What would that be like?”

I would envision the sub as part celebration of foods we’re fixated on lately, part sharing of cooking and eating experiences outside the lines of typical thinking, part support for navigating unusual preferences, part nutrition talk, and maybe some light-hearted self-deprecating humor.

What do y’all think? Does this have legs?

First session was fine, intros, a book recommendation, cool.

Second session, I’m talking about the freeze response from the book. I say I’m familiar because I’ve experienced it, and I’ve seen it happen in my partner. I say, not planning to expand, “I have to be mindful and self-regulate when I’m vibrating with stress, because they can shut down (with overwhelm) if I approach with too much emotional intensity.”

Therapist asks, “What do you do when you’re overwhelmed?” I said, “I go for a walk, usually, or maybe take a 20 minute drive so I can make noise without scaring anyone, then I come back. We talk when we’re both calm enough to communicate effectively.”

The rest of the session was 100% the therapist trying to get me to see I was “settling” for an inadequate partner… This therapist knows nothing else about the relationship yet, besides that one statement I made.

It went like, rapid fire with little time for reply:

“Just because you’ve had abusive relationships in the past doesn’t mean you have to settle.” (Because I was saying that I know how it feels to be on the other side of yelling.)

“You keep defending them and making excuses!” (But we DO talk well when we’re both ready, meaning grounded?)

“Your partner is supposed to be your safe place for all of it, all of your feelings.” (I do feel safe, and I want my partner to feel safe with me!)

“But you can be alone and deal with your big feelings yourself, isn’t that better than being alone with someone?” (I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be asked to behave like an adult? I get most of what I want most of the time. Respecting boundaries is important.)

“If you have difficulty communicating, that’s not your person, it’s supposed to be easy.” (I think it’s more important how we repair when there is a challenging moment, and also there are different kinds of difficult with different causes, so no?)

“Why do you even like this person?” When I started to answer with how I’ve observed their habit of helping others find joy, the therapist interrupted with, “Oh, so they’re a people-pleaser. People pleasers do it because they feel empty inside. They’re filling a hole in themselves. It’s broken behavior.” (Doesn’t seem to apply, but even if it did so what? And I didn’t get to continue my answer.)

“Why are you taking so much on yourself? It’s not right. And what is your partner doing that makes you this upset anyway? You wouldn’t get that upset if you were feeling seen.” (Nothing usually? I have my own stuff, like medical reasons my mood gets hard to manage, life is more than this relationship, a walk to cool off is NOT common, and I only answered the question of what I do when I AM overwhelmed? I didn’t get the chance to say that though.)

At one point I admitted that yes, I was disappointed that my partner hadn’t pursued therapy, and yes, I had encouraged them to do so. Asked, “Doesn’t that bother you?” I said, some, but, while I can encourage them, if they decide not to, *that is not my burden to carry,* and *this is all a distraction.* It’s not my work!

“Why are you even in a relationship you’re not sure of? You’re supposed to be each other’s everything.” What? Never expressed doubt. I’m allowed to love someone while admitting they’ve made a choice I don’t prefer (not getting therapy for trauma) and conceding that they have limits, and without taking on ALL of their problems as my own.. and vice versa?

It was just so weird and left me thinking that this whole conversation could have been harmful if I had been someone who makes rash decisions or is suggestible. I don’t need my partner to be my Ideal Parent and I don’t expect to be theirs. Plus there are also other people in my life! And I try not to scare them too!

By the end of the session I was just repeating some version of “I’ll think about that” five different ways, because it seemed the more I objected or tried to steer the conversation the more the therapist was sure they’d really hit upon something. They just… hadn’t in this case.

Now I don’t know if this therapist is going to leave it alone and let me talk about the things I actually need to, and I don’t see why I should spend time debating with them when I get the sense they need to be right, despite having nearly zero information, because they kept leaping on every little thing I said.

Also I’m only seeing this one because they were the first available from the waitlist in a practice where I’m getting meds management, and the prescriber relationship is good. In-house therapy is the way the practice does things though, so I’ll have to actually make a thing of this and request a change, which it seems like I’ll have to answer why. The meds I take are non-optional, lifelong, and not something my PCP would be willing to handle. I don’t want to look like, therapy-resistant, but this just seems way outside the lines based on the pace of it and the pushiness. Is it?

I already have celiac and a whole bunch of brain lesions from chronic migraine on disability for years, depression since childhood, chronic fatigue and what looks like pots, heart palps since childhood, adhd and brain fog. I’ve re-trained twice since getting ssdi and sincerely did my best to re-enter the workforce, only to these efforts it hurt my health and finances in the end.

I’m on HRT for early menopause, two different antidepressants that are keeping me as stable as possible for now, after trying dozens over decades, plus Minipress for night terrors, Adderall for daytime function (I’m in bed dead asleep half the day without it) Lizness for slow gut, cetirizine twice a day all year to keep histamines okay, with bonus doses as needed, nasal spray for narrow sinuses that infect easily, multivitamin, magnesium, Nurtec for rescue Med after failing triptans and topamax, cyclobenzaprine every night for cervalgia that gets out of hand when I try to taper, and $100k per year of Vyepi (monoclonal antibody, cgrp inhibitor) to keep the migraines controlle enough for only background headache pain and a few bad pain events per month, Valtrex for frequent cold sores, Methenamine for chronic bladder infections (works very well). Whole Foods diet to try to keep celiac from flaring.

I get out in nature and garden when I possibly can, garden with mask, goggles, gloves and all, because I’m too allergic to dirt and lose days to illness otherwise, I take dance lessons for fitness and to strengthen my vestibular system when it has a setback (vertigo so bad I’ve been bedbound by it at times) and try to accept when my body just won’t go. Some days my hands and gross motor skills are so bad that I can’t even safely wash dishes, much less cook and eat. I’ve got uterine fibroids, heavy periods and disabling PMDD. Ferritin stays between 11 and 20 (too high to treat, too low to feel well) and my serum iron has spiked sometimes so I don’t think the problem can be fixed with IV iron, not that requesting that has gotten me anywhere.

For 20 years I’ve been tested for things. Rheumatology came back clear, totally clear. Cardiologist said the tachy RHR wasn’t great but wasn’t dangerous, my QT intervals were suboptimal but subclinical so far, the exercise intolerance was unfortunate but untreatable (some people are like that) and I could take beta-blockers if I wanted but it would knock me out even more.

ALL my adult life my TSH and T4 came back normal, TPO antibodies negative. All tested yearly since Hashimoto’s “and friends” are on BOTH sides of my family. I’m 45 and I feel 80, and I can’t keep up with retirees.

Last week, **a thyroglobulin antibody test came back positive. I don’t even know what triggered it to be done this time (the first). PCP says that means I might develop a thyroid condition in the future, and maybe it’s enough to finally establish care with an endocrinologist.

I’m exhausted of being sick and trying treatments. I can’t imagine how much more awful life will get if I do get Hashimoto’s. I’ve already had years where my QOL was so poor I was researched MAID in the hour or two of lucidity I had a day.

I don’t want to know how much worse it gets if/when I develop thyroid disease. I’m scared of this dragging on and being so much worse than it sounds. I have a huge mouth sore these last few days that makes it hurt to eat and drink, so I’m about 700 calories short on diet as a result.

Is it really this bad? Is there any hope that there’s