u/Fmsduo

Ik this sounds stupid but I feel oddly comforted when I see media portraying mentally ill people, especially anime titles or games where it's not grossly romanticised (cough cough Komi I'm looking at you cough), I feel seen and I feel like even tho my mental health isn't the best I can still be cute and pretty. It's nice

I‘ve been in therapy for about half a year and before that I had suspicions of having something other than depression (also suspecting bpd). And even though my psychologist said she also had very high suspicions of that, I can’t get an official diagnosis because I‘m still underage, and because I‘m underage it would require systematic analysis of my personality which is pretty much impossible bc there’s no one else to contact. She said if I want to I could get a diagnosis once I‘m 18. For now I have something called „accentuation“, but I‘m still not sure if I have it. Literally almost every symptom of bpd is something I have done or would want to do if I had a chance. My psychologist avoids directly stating I have bpd because she doesnt want me to actively associate with the disorder and get worse like that, but knowing the right label for what I feel just makes me feel in control. Like I know exactly what I‘m dealing with and I know how to manage my feeling or at LEAST understand why I‘m behaving a certain way. I‘m just too scared to admit I have bpd around others because I dont have a „full„ diagnosis and I don’t want to be labeled as an attention seeker who self diagnoses.

Literally almost every single interaction proves yet again that humans are disgusting, ready to benefit from others as soon as they're in a weak state. I'm don't stand on higher moral ground than others but I feel like I'm genuinely starting to hate everyone. And it's also stupid because I'm extremely depraved of human interactions to the point where I lack basic communication skills, but every time I do make a friend or something like that, they just prove me how shitty of a person they actually are, usually it's the way they treat others. My psychologist says I shouldn't view world as black and white but it's too hard.