u/Fizziefrog

Hey everyone

So my mom lost her mom to cancer when she was very young (in her early 20s) and while being pregnant. She was treated very badly by my good-for-nothing father and luckily split up with him. She raised me and my siblings on her own on little money. Obviously, all of these things left her traumatized, and I think she was on antidepressants at some point. Never got more help/therapy, though. She still thinks it's only for "crazy" people.

She was overwhelmed, overworked, exhausted, and I barely have any memories where I felt connected to her. She was always annoyed/angry, yelled a lot, barely offered comfort. I remember always retreating to my room to cry to not make her upset. Teen years were filled with more tears and screaming matches.

These days, it mellowed out. She's still very moody, and clearly still grapples with what she had to experience. It puts a strain on our already difficult/distant relationship. I'm grateful for all she did, and I can't start to fathom what she went through, but unfortunately her extremely negative, judgmental, and frankly hurtful behavior sometimes makes it hard to be around her. I feel guilty typing this, but I genuinely don't know what to do. I'm her daughter, so I feel like I need to take care of her.

Hallo

Ich bastle, nähe, mache Schmuck, Kunst, etc in meiner Freizeit. Würde gern mal versuchen, das Zeug mal online zu stellen und zu verkaufen, inklusive einem Instagram-Account, um es zu bewerben. Klar, man freut sich, wenn man dann so kleine Beträge hier und da bekommt, alle paar Wochen oder Monate. Ich frage mich nur, obs dann bereits gewerblich ist, obwohl es mir an sich egal ist obs gekauft wird oder nicht 😅 und wenn ich mal ein halbes Jahr Pause machen will, dann mach ich halt Pause. 🤔

Besser direkt beim Finanzamt nachfragen?? Will ehrlich gesagt einfach keinen großen Aufwand.

Danke!

When I think back to my childhood, I can barely remember ever receiving any type of genuine reassurance or comfort. My negative feelings were judged and berated, I got yelled at, and dismissed. My mom was always moody and angry, most likely depressed herself, and overworked. I couldn't really bond with my older brother and I tried hard to be a good sister for my younger brother. My father was and is someone I barely know.

I would have my crying sessions and breakdowns in my bed, door closed. I'd imagine my favorite characters soothing and holding me. They were all for me: a lover, a parent, a friend. I was terrible at making friends. I got bullied as well, mostly for my looks. I was awkward, with hobbies no one could relate to. I remember constant shame in social situations.

Whenever something difficult came along, I'd pretend that my favorite character was by my side. I'm 25 now. I still do it. I never opened up to anyone else. I can't. I was never held, never taken care of. I don't know how to ask for it or who to ask for it. Not like there's many options anyway. At least in my fantasies I can feel safe, just for a little while.

I've been thinking about this a lot recently and honestly, I'm strongly considering suicide as an option. There's barely any downsides to it. I'm sick of my life, I don't have the energy nor the will to improve, I'm nearing 30 with zero accomplishments. I work a lame job that I'm stuck in (because I have no skills) and I'm still in my childhood bedroom. My mother is annoyed by my mere presence - I can't even sit down on the sofa with her, she will scoff, and tell me to go away. My father and I have a distant, practically non-existent relationship. My brothers have their own busy lives, so we don't talk, really. ​

My "best friend" lives in a different country, has a fiance, and other friends that they prefer over me. Same situation with my IRL friends. They have boyfriends, and a lot of friends, so my absence won't make a difference.

Sure, it will be sad, because people dying is sad. But everyone has a support system and they will get over it. I will be forgotten and replaced soon. Maybe it's for the better. I've never felt seen, loved, or truly connected to anyone ever anyway.