u/FileArtistic3141

16M could use a hug

I don’t really want to type too much.

I have so many scars on my arm and torso from self harming.

I have 2 scars running down my arm from a suicide attempt.

I had 4-6 suicide attempts in my life time. I lost count, and don’t remember exactly but I believe it was mainly 4.

After Mother’s Day I came home with a migraine. I remember when I was in school in 9th grade, before homeschooling 9th grade second sem. I used to come home with headaches everyday.

I’ve been mentally unstable for about 3 years technically. Because 3 years ago in summer of 2023, is when it started to build up.

I have a future suicide plan and method. I won’t be here after I turn 18 in February 11th, of 2028. I’ll be gone for eternity.

Also feel as if my mental health state are invalid because I live a pretty good life on paper. I’m disconnected emotionally from my family for reasons. I’m dissociated as well. I often think about how I would feel if they were to disappear. Which I wouldn’t feel that bad, but I know that there is eventually going to be some suspicion from my outside family members, like grandma, aunt, etc.

But would I really, be in grief? Not really.

Thank you.

-TW- SUICIDE

Even though it is in fact a Saturday, I woke up exhausted. I’ve been waking up exhausted for so long now. I want to go back to sleep but I can’t. I feel like my dad would also tell me to get out of my bed.

To keep my mind distracted, this morning I cooked pancakes and eggs. It was actually my first time cooking pancakes. It turned out okay, but the process was messy. Eggs, I’m basically a pro at now.

But I can’t even eat them. They are just sitting there left untouched. It’s like I’m hungry a bit, but I just…cannot eat. My appetite just has crashed ever since I started to succumb into..this.

I just desperately want to commit suicide. I’ve been planning my death for months now. I wish I wasn’t under these restrictions, or that I had legal independency, so I can die quicker. Because I have to be 18 to sign.. a contract, which is my burial plan, which is gonna be anonymous almost.

But I’m just so tired. I’m just typing out stuff at this point.

There were in fact a couple of brief moments where I was near anxiety attacks or panic attacks, affiliated with mental health.

But most of the time, I’m just anxious and filled with uncertainty, most of the day. With rumination added.

One of those brief moments, was when I face a suicide letter to a classmate for help. But afterwards he ended up giving it to my friend at the end of the period. (I don’t have good history with reaching out for help.)

But I rushed out of that classroom panicking and anxious and worried about whether or not if my friend is gonna report me to the counselor, which is honestly an expected move, so I can’t blame him. But I cannot get sent to that mental hospital again, neither can my parents know about anything again.

But I just ran out of there Trying to get a way from his sight. Which was effective. But I ran into my school courtyard and panicked there next to a tree.

I’m gonna be honest—I do not remember much of that moment, it was about a year ago so far. So I remember… in flashes or fragmented pieces. But it was genuine fear. My legs were heavy or wobbly. And my heart was racing.

That is genuinely all I remember. Other than grabbing my hair and a girl if I was okay when I went back inside.

There was this other brief moment where I almost had a genuine anxiety attack. But it was a night of me laying in my bed, and just ruminating and thinking about everything , and just self destructing.

Now, I don’t know how to explain this, but I started sweating, and everything started to feel surreal. I felt like I was dying, and it slowly began to escalate. I snapped out of it after a few seconds. But it was what everyone with anxiety attacks said how it was.

Apparently, I hear colors in music. I’ve been so my whole life. It is called chromesthesia I believe.

I also am a self taught pianist, and know music theory in a very complex way now. But whenever I play the piano, or whenever I just listen to music in general. I always get this color, and differentiates a lot depending on key tone. It’s more of and associative chromesthesia, than just experiencing raw colors. But the colors and stuff also depends on the chords and the amount of times they are being used.

I find that it maps Music to environments as well. So alongside with the color. I’m gonna say Teal. Take the teal color. An environment I may also get, is golden hour, or evening sunset, or the 4:00 PM sun, in some sort of… city with small buildings. A good example of this is the song “Flowers” by Miley Cyrus. That’s the A minor.

Despite this, A minor can also be like… a dark blue-purple, grey like color.

And instead the environment can come off as maybe the end of evening, beginning at night time, and it is cloudy and dark outside while the sky is a dark blue or a dark purple.

It can also be very watery as well.

The best way I can say it is that… it’s like a map. There is no fixation and that it can definitely mix a lot.

I also have this experience with…taste, numbers, time of day, eras, and moments in life, months, weekdays, and even personalities and people as well.

For example. Differing types of Pain, can span from red, white.

Most common I get is red is for like paper cuts or cuts. Red can also be for burning, but if it’s really bad than that is blue. Being punched is like an aching pain. So that can be red or white or blue. Or whitish blue.

Weekdays. For example. Wednesday, is like a navy blue to me.
Sunday is like an orange red.

Years? It depends on the numbers. And even then experiences shape it a lot. 2024, used to be white, but it became navy blue due to my experiences, and common association being at night.

8 is commonly navy blue or black. 9 is like a black brown. 0 is like a grey. 4 is like a white.

And it goes on. I hope it makes sense.

Anybody else?

Mentally instability has been happening for years straight

4 failed suicide attempts

Hopeless for the past few months.

Things just keep getting worse and worse.

24/7 for years now, I usally have suicide ideation, self harming activity, my own death planning, etc.

But there is something I have never said, and something I mainly keep to myself, I’m only putting it out here to figure out if anyone else is like this. I won’t get into too much detail, of what I do—but it’s cruel.

Does anyone else have..violent thoughts towards others, and dark fantasies? This is so corny. But like it’s genuine.

By cruel, I mean I want to commit animal cruelty, I’ve had fantasies about harming animals, and

Thought multiple times about tampering my moms food or drinks, which I won’t do, because it’s illegal and I’ll be in trouble and there’s I’ll get caught. And things escalate.

Or other violent homocidal thoughts or some even extending to torture. I won’t get into what I do in those fantasies, but it’s one of the worst things and pain you can imagine. And this is genuinely corny.

I started watching crime documentaries and wondered about serial killing. Which I also won’t do, but it’s just a lingering thought or sometimes fantasy in my head that I just escape to when angry.

But I’m stopping it there because people will call me a bad person, which I wouldn’t blame them.

I thought twice about posting this because of how corny it is, and of how.. attention grabbing it is, but I genuinely need to know.

But is there any other teenagers out there like this? I’ve been having homocidal thoughts or wanting to harm others since about 2024. I won’t do it, but it is a lingering thing in my head.

Just don’t ask the method I used. And you are good.

My head is pounding now.

I keep trying to eat whenever I am hungry, but the food is un appetizing, and I can barely eat without feeling full.

I am tired everytime I wake up. And I feel like sleeping all day, and I’m exhausted all day.

I want to run away from home so badly but it’s a bad option. And I just want my life to end so quickly and soon.

And I always feel so worthless and useless. Like I serve no purpose. I feel un cared for majority of the time now.

I desperately want to do it.

But,where am I going to go?

I have a friend who goes to a park everyday and I know where that park is but still.

Resources will likely run out quickly.

I do plan to get a job and etc. But running away is technically illegal in my state. And if I get caught, I’m in trouble.

I’ve done it before, with no plan to go back. I went to school that same day due to the fact that it’s like a shelter, though the counselors, found me. And it didn’t end well.

But if you wanna know why. It’s just a bunch of personal family issues I have amongst myself (Emotional distancing for a reason) And I want to commit suicide, etc.

Just look at my other posts if you’re curious, this is my only outlet.

But my life is genuinely fucked.

16M