u/Extension_Routine538

i am originally from honduras. i came to america legally as a child and have been extremely privileged ever since. pretty much everything has been handed to me and i have had so many opportunities in life. and i have done nothing with them. i have watched the world pass for years in front of me and i just can't do anything. it's worse lately. i am 18 and i have never had a job nor do i really want to bring myself to try seeking one. i have shit grades at college and it just doesn't bother me much. i do not really have much of a sense of urgency. why try if i can just kill myself eventually?

i have an interest in unidentified people (john and jane doe cases) and when i was doing my research i came across the (solved) story of a honduran guy who died of exposure on a ranch in texas in 2021. he had come here illegally in search of a better life, he had a degree, he was deeply loved, and he still perished just like that.

it was so fucking unfair reading his story. he died with so much hope for a better future while i sit here wasting the future he died for. the worst part is that i don't even really feel inspired to get my shit together and better myself after seeing all this. i legitimately just want to kill myself to atone for the life i have wasted. doing anything is obviously too hard!! i'm too stupid to do anything!!!

i DO NOT think my diagnoses make me any more deserving of a pass to waste my life like this. people in worse spots have overcome their challenges many times. i am angry and sad that i can't seem to and probably never will. i am too self aware for my own good i think. i do nothing to help myself as i watch the world pass without me. i sit on my ass all day aware of all of this, and it still takes an effort to throw away my food wrappers. god i'm so pathetic

i have felt this way all my life. it started with not identifying with my name. as i grew up it manifested as thinking i was trans. i am not trans but i consider myself as having a genderless soul. i see myself as more of a "soul" characterized by my interests and entirely negative self perceptions. it is subject to a lot of gradual change.

i see my body and my head (distinct from the soul) as separate entities. the body is the vessel/mech and the head is either the prison my soul is trapped in or the persecutor of my soul. maybe the voice of reason to the soul. to me i have always been just a pair of hands. i do not care much for my face and it feels like i am looking at someone else in the mirror. i am extremely modest and would go as far as wearing a burka/niqab if i could, just to keep my entire body amorphous and invisible. i would not want to be misunderstood so i just wear all black.

i want to be anonymous and faceless in real life. i do not have an attachment to any names and my main username elsewhere is the closest thing to a proper name.

sometimes (not always seriously) i feel like i was meant to be a dog, or that i am akin to the undead. zombie, ghost, or demon. other times i feel like nothing at all.

i feel no attachment to family or ethnic origin, i have struggled with the concept of love itself.

i am pretty sure all of this is common autistic behavior but not to the extreme i have taken it. i have never felt like a real human being. i exist in the moment and all past deeds feel like the actions of someone else. this is probably very pathological but i have never seen anyone mention it. please tell me if you relate. i do not feel real! if you also do not feel real let me know. i want to see if others like me exist.

i am not trying to dodge accountability for past actions. logically i *know* i have done awful things. but it *feels* like it was someone else.

i have always been lukewarm to the concept of relationships but almost entirely opposed to sex but now i never want to try seeking a partner again. i don't think i will ever be emotionally mature enough for a relationship but more importantly i do not want to be tied to someone for too long. i already struggle a lot with feeling like a burden to my parents and i just spent some times reading accounts of nt people with adhd partners. the things they say are like a punch to the gut and i do everything they describe. i cant inflict myself upon another person like that. i just had to withdraw from a situationship because i felt like i was being too annoying and i just know that if it progressed i would ruin it even more, just like the last one. i am barely even human and feel greatly undeserving of companionship and i am coming to terms with it in a sour grapes sort of way. there are better things out there to spend time on but it will always be kind of sad that i can never date. i will never allow myself to. i will never be capable of normal love and that makes me sad. i want to be normal. i will start a better med today but im not sure that can fix the rot at my core. i dont know. i hope i sound coherent. i rarely do

i have a golden retriever whose ears shut off the second water is involved. drying her after the fact is extremely tedious and unpleasant. for days i don't want to have her swim, i need a big park to take her to without any ponds like those in katy dog park or millie bush. thank you!

a while ago i attended confession instead of seeking therapy. i am not a fan of therapy. i told the priest what i had done to cause me the terrible mental health i was feeling at the time. i am a baptized catholic who has received first communion but truthfully i have never believed in god my entire life. the priest listened and was nice and i eventually mostly got over what i did. but like what if god is real? will i go to hell for this?

i have shitty grades in all of my community college courses (low cs) and i just got results back for a chem exam where i got 12%. i cant keep doing this shit man. i have severe adhd and i probably wont survive a job either. i dont know what to do. this is my first year (im 18) and ive already completely fucked it up. i dont want to tell my mom because she will kill me i really dont know what to do

edit: i am doing a biology program because i want to study veterinary but theres no fucking way theyd let me in at texas a&m where i wanted to go. i want to work with dogs but nothing pays well. its over bruh