u/ExtensionPromotion80

The more I think on this, though I try to not let it in too much, the more I understand how & why my life has gone, and that this fucking thing called ADHD is to blame for it. I'm going to be twenty-four very soon, and I feel as if I have already fucked up & ruined my whole life.

All my problems started in 2020, ofc this ties into when the world really started going to shit lmfao the bitter irony. I wanted to attend this good, prestigious college and got offered a program which would have enabled for me to transfer to it if I completed a year at a smaller college. However, despite it being COVID, I went off the rails: I didn't study or learn how to adapt, I also got too caught up in trying to socialize and party because i did not want to miss out on making a friend group since i also missed out on that stuff in HS. This caused me to fuck up so many classes, and lose my spot in the program. I did at least make some decent friends though.

This killed me on the inside. Since that had been my dream college for years. This made me more depressed, and I feel it sort of put me in a permanent state of "demoralization" as a result of it all. This then caused me to go down a massive path of grass abuse, which is something I still suffer from. In all this time, I always figured something was wrong, yet I never was able to address it. I went to tons of therapy, and yet they never could ID I had ADHD. Most in fact, suspected Autism. I then got worse, and dropped socializing for months on end at a time, and ended up being addicted to this stupid online forum. I liked how it was, in that I felt people actually understood me & also I felt "dominant" in social interactions, whereas IRL I felt like I was "just there" if that makes any sense.

I honestly see no future. I have messed-up so much already. I also promised myself this year I would make content videos online, yet I have not. I sometimes feel as if life just is not worth it, and I feel so fucked by having this.

The more I think on this, though I try to not let it in too much, the more I understand how & why my life has gone, and that this fucking thing called ADHD is to blame for it. I'm going to be twenty-four very soon, and I feel as if I have already fucked up & ruined my whole life.

All my problems started in 2020, ofc this ties into when the world really started going to shit lmfao the bitter irony. I wanted to attend this good, prestigious college and got offered a program which would have enabled for me to transfer to it if I completed a year at a smaller college. However, despite it being COVID, I went off the rails: I didn't study or learn how to adapt, I also got too caught up in trying to socialize and party because i did not want to miss out on making a friend group since i also missed out on that stuff in HS. This caused me to fuck up so many classes, and lose my spot in the program. I did at least make some decent friends though.

This killed me on the inside. Since that had been my dream college for years. This made me more depressed, and I feel it sort of put me in a permanent state of "demoralization" as a result of it all. This then caused me to go down a massive path of grass abuse, which is something I still suffer from. In all this time, I always figured something was wrong, yet I never was able to address it. I went to tons of therapy, and yet they never could ID I had ADHD. Most in fact, suspected Autism. I then got worse, and dropped socializing for months on end at a time, and ended up being addicted to this stupid online forum. I liked how it was, in that I felt people actually understood me & also I felt "dominant" in social interactions, whereas IRL I felt like I was "just there" if that makes any sense.

I honestly see no future. I have messed-up so much already. I also promised myself this year I would make content videos online, yet I have not. I sometimes feel as if life just is not worth it, and I feel so fucked by having this.

The more I think on this, though I try to not let it in too much, the more I understand how & why my life has gone, and that this fucking thing called ADHD is to blame for it. I'm going to be twenty-four very soon, and I feel as if I have already fucked up & ruined my whole life.

All my problems started in 2020, ofc this ties into when the world really started going to shit lmfao the bitter irony. I wanted to attend this good, prestigious college and got offered a program which would have enabled for me to transfer to it if I completed a year at a smaller college. However, despite it being COVID, I went off the rails: I didn't study or learn how to adapt, I also got too caught up in trying to socialize and party because i did not want to miss out on making a friend group since i also missed out on that stuff in HS. This caused me to fuck up so many classes, and lose my spot in the program. I did at least make some decent friends though.

This killed me on the inside. Since that had been my dream college for years. This made me more depressed, and I feel it sort of put me in a permanent state of "demoralization" as a result of it all. This then caused me to go down a massive path of weed abuse, which is something I still suffer from. In all this time, I always figured something was wrong, yet I never was able to address it. I went to tons of therapy, and yet they never could ID I had ADHD. Most in fact, suspected Autism. I then got worse, and dropped socializing for months on end at a time, and ended up being addicted to this stupid online forum. I liked how it was, in that I felt people actually understood me & also I felt "dominant" in social interactions, whereas IRL I felt like I was "just there" if that makes any sense.

I honestly see no future. I have messed-up so much already. I also promised myself this year I would make content videos online, yet I have not. I sometimes feel as if life just is not worth it, and I feel so fucked by having this.

A few years back, I joined this online forum. Little did I know, I was making one of the worst choices I ever would have made.

I joined because I was at a point in my life where I wasn't sure about socializing. I was at college, it was a much smaller one than average, and I was burned out of going out constantly, doing the same thing. Honestly, this really should have been a time for me to try & "discover" myself more, since I really just think that deep down i'm kind of "lost" as a person.

I have sort of stopped blaming the forum for many of my issues, as I was already "wasting away" in my room a lot of the time. I also think that me sort of "freezing" up like this & not taking the initiatives I need is due to my undiagnosed ADHD.

I try to take pride in what I did: I wrote some good papers, professors always said I actually understood the stuff they taught, and I managed to work a job.

Basically, I just did the "needed" stuff, without acknowledging in this shitty day & age you have to go above & beyond.

The forum also revealed to me that deep-down, I never "stopped caring" about other people as much as I thought. I cared too much about how other people, literal fucking faceless nobodies, I have never seen across the world think of me. They all turned out to be fake as fuck shitheads, who probably wouldn't care if I actually did die. Sometimes some stuff they said made me angry to the point i'd want to lunge through the screen and punch or strangle them or hit my desk or whatever.

I wanted to be a lawyer, but I got demoralized due to a few things at college. I also was unsure if it was the right choice, so idk what to do now. I regret joining that stupid fucking place now, as I should have focused on grades & education & maybe scholarships or legal programs. Now I feel like a kid who took everything for granted.

My forum addiction was more a result of ADHD, but it sure didn't help. Now I feel i've fucked my life up and each day contemplate suicide.

An idea I had was pursuing the Enclave route(as my character is a pre-War veteran) but then using the MM as sort of a "front" in rebuilding the commonwealth. Is it possible to finish the main story and keep both around?