u/ExcellentIsopod8102 — reddlx

She is the best kid. I love being her mom. I didnt sacrifice my own desires and life when she was a baby. She was 2 when I got on meth. Shes 4 now. First two years I was such a good mom but I was struggling with my mental health and alcohol consumption. I never didnt care . I always cared so much. So much but I was so reckless with my life decisions. I was so dumb and young. Im clean now in recovery and im slowly working towards having her on weekends. Her dad has temporary custody and im only given 3 hour visitation every other Saturday but he let's her come to my city for a few days at a time to stay with me and my parents. I had her all weekend. Just by myself. I dont live with my parents but theyre close by. We had such a great time. I worry she doesnt have a great life at her dad's. He's a good dad but he works two jobs and she spends most of her time with his sister , shes a wild card. Shes had drug problems too and smokes weed nd drinks frequently. Im in no place to judge or try to criticize, but I know that she sits in a room all day nd watches TV while her aunt is her separate bedroom smoking weed and chilling with the door closed. Shes 4 and she cant say her ABCs . She cant count past 10.she has no bedtime and stays up far past midnight and sleeps until noon some days. I stress so badly bc I know if I hadn't made such reckless choices she would've had a better life with me. Im a good mom. And I love being a mom. Im just sick. Im an addict and it took over my life . Im legitimately anxious that shes not in an environment she can thrive in at her primary home. Shes supposed to start pre K in the fall and her dad hasnt enrolled her in school. She doesn't have a pediatrician in his city, nor a dentist . Over the weekend her was telling me her vagina itches and she said it was really bothering her. I think she maybe just has a yeast infection and its no big deal, but it made me think about how long has something like this been happening and shes not comfy enough to tell her dad so shes been dealing with it? Or nobody noticed shes itching bc she doesnt get enough attention? I know all of this sounds really chaotic and stupid . I should be greatful shes in a home where shes loved bc things could be so much worse. But I just fucked up so bad as her mom and I just want to fix it all at once. I feel so horrible when shes at her dad's house watching tv alone all day when im in a different city with free time that I could be spending with her doing healthy and fun activities. It feels guilty for me to live my life without her. Sometimes two weeks or more will go by and I won't see her. I have so much more time and energy to give her my full attention and effort but ive fucked up the trust from everyone in my life. I just want to fix everything now. She doesnt have the life I want her to. Its all my fault. I love her so much. More than anything at all. Advice is accepted. How do I have a conversation with her dad/ my family without coming off too strong? Im Genuinely concerned that collectively as a family we could be providing a better life. Her life isnt bad by any means, and shes very happy child, but im so angry that it could be better and right this second I cannot change things.

I have destroyed every single romantic relationship ive ever had. I have never felt loved by anyone. Even when my partners have gone to extreme lengths to prove their desire and infatuation with me, I feel angry that they dont love me enough. I get angry that they've been with other people before me . I think that they dont love me since they've loved someone else before me. This creates a giant shit pile of a relationship. I feel lonely most of the time. Not just anyone can help me feel less alone. Its always whatever specific person that fills the favorite person role . Then I become obsessed with them , their exes , their life, and I cannot function without them or with them. I want to be single for my own good, I also have a 4 year old daughter and I want to model healthy behavior for her. Which I have failed in doing in the past with her dad as well as my last boyfriend. I want to be alone but I dont want to FEEL alone. Sometimes the loneliness is so devastating and heavy. I dont want to feel lonely. I want to feel the way I do when I have a partner expect by myself and with my daughter. ADVICE VERY WELCOMED