u/Evening_Drawer_2215

I can barely cope with this. Sometimes it can be so traumatic, just to watch a video of a cat being cute or to see a cat out and about and remember what happened. What this man did to our poor kitties. What this man normalized, when I was a small child. This man also joked about his father punting a cat. He is such a disgusting person. I can't own pets now, because the trauma is too much.

Compliments don't even give me that buzz I think they're supposed to give. Every time someone tries to engage with me it feels like an inconvenience. I get annoyed by conversations fast (though I try not to show it) and wonder why the person's even engaging with me in the first place. I realize, the thing i crave, being social, not feeling alien anymore, has been sabotaged. I don't feel happy. Even when I 'win' I just get stressed and hurt. I'm pretty much done.

Thinking sometime in the upcoming days I am going to end my own life. Every day I go out. I go around. I hang out at my local cafe. I interact with people who think they know me. I feel nothing but alien. How could they comprehend what happened to me? How could they see behind my smile, my silence, my thousand-yard stares.

As far as I can tell, when I see other people, I see another species. I have no friends, no romantic prospects, and I can't keep living in a world I'm not meant to be inside. This is untenable. All this is doing is creating more suffering for myself, while others get rewarded by my generosity. I feel like a creep. I feel disgusting, all the time. I just need to go.

It's really getting close now. I feel it. My death could be within the week. So sick of this shit. I was sexually abused my multiple of my relatives. My aunt. All of my brothers. My aunt fucking raped me. The brother I have to see near-daily molested me multiple times. Nobody knows any of this but the people who did it. The people who allowed it.

I just can't put up with this anymore. I walk down the sidewalk and everyone I see looks so alien. I remember when I was younger, and I'd see attractive people and I'd think, "Oh, it would be nice if I could get to know them."
Now they all just look like people I wouldn't care to know, even if I did. They look so different now. Most people look like they have alien thoughts. Alien ideas. I am not like these people. I am not like anyone. I am not special either. I am insignificant, to the point of nothingness.