u/EntertainmentLow4177

I was on puberty blockers as a child I literally had the golden opportunity. Sure it was for precocious puberty, but being forced to reckon with the reality of puberty at such a young age made me realize things deeper and quicker, but y'all 😂 I have Mormon parents so I could never tell them or admit to myself how fucked I was until it was too late 😂😂😂

I genuinely had the golden opportunity 😂 😂 I could've never been poisoned by estrogen at all they could've just hopped me on test at 13 or 14 😂😂😂 but my parents are Mormon so fuck that 😂😂😂

Now I will have to carry the trauma of going through the wrong puberty the rest of my life 😂😂😂 I will carry several traits T won't get rid of but could've prevented if accessed early enough 😂😂 my nervous system will genuinely never recover from all of the trauma both physical and social 😂 I will always feel like an alien 😂😂😂

And now I have to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to try and make of hell a house. Not even a home it's too damaged to ever be that 😂😂😂 y'all ts is so hilarious I'm crying it's frying me 😂😂😂

My body is a crime scene of medical negligence I can never escape from 😂😂 I will never be free from this ever 😂😂😂😂😂 oh my god this is so FUNNY!!! 🤣 🤣 I LITERALLY COULD HAVE BEEN STEALTH AS SOON AS WE MOVED TO THE US AND I STARTED HIGH SCHOOL GANG I COULDVE FELT NORMAL AND NOT DEVELOPED EVER WORSENING AGORAPHOBIA 😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 OH MY GOD iTHIS IS FUCKING HILARIOUS 😂 😂 😂 YALL SOMEONE PUSH ME IN FRONT OF THE TRAIN ALREADY IM GETTING TIRED BUT DONT WANT MY DEATH TO BE USED AS A BULLYING TACTIC AGAINST MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS 😂😂😂😂😂😂 YALL IM SO DONE 👍

I was on puberty blockers as a child I literally had the golden opportunity. Sure it was for precocious puberty, but being forced to reckon with the reality of puberty at such a young age made me realize things deeper and quicker, but y'all 😂 I have Mormon parents so I could never tell them or admit to myself how fucked I was until it was too late 😂😂😂

I genuinely had the golden opportunity 😂 😂 I could've never been poisoned by estrogen at all they could've just hopped me on test at 13 or 14 😂😂😂 but my parents are Mormon so fuck that 😂😂😂

Now I will have to carry the trauma of going through the wrong puberty the rest of my life 😂😂😂 I will carry several traits T won't get rid of but could've prevented if accessed early enough 😂😂 my nervous system will genuinely never recover from all of the trauma both physical and social 😂 I will always feel like an alien 😂😂😂

And now I have to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to try and make of hell a house. Not even a home it's too damaged to ever be that 😂😂😂 y'all ts is so hilarious I'm crying it's frying me 😂😂😂

My body is a crime scene of medical negligence I can never escape from 😂😂 I will never be free from this ever 😂😂😂😂😂 oh my god this is so FUNNY!!! 🤣 🤣 I LITERALLY COULD HAVE BEEN STEALTH AS SOON AS WE MOVED TO THE US AND I STARTED HIGH SCHOOL GANG I COULDVE FELT NORMAL AND NOT DEVELOPED EVER WORSENING AGORAPHOBIA 😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 OH MY GOD iTHIS IS FUCKING HILARIOUS 😂 😂 😂

TW for discussions of CSA and sex as a whole

Its so weird. My relationship towards women and the female sex in general is so complicated, I genuinely don't know if I'm actually also attracted to men, or if it's just some weird coping mechanism so I don't have to unpack the fact that I experience attraction towards the sex and identity that has so deeply traumatized me.

I always knew I liked women. I always knew I was a guy even before I actually admitted it to myself, I always had a self perception that way. It felt wrong to call myself a lesbian when I was a preteen because it simply wasn't true, but I knew my life would be hell if I were actually trans. Low and behold, I'm still trans, and it still sucks.

But the thing is that I find myself in a very weird spot. I've been primarily hurt and traumatized by women. Trauma resurfaced recently and I think I may have been molested at three years old by two slightly older girls. After that, at around 12, I was assaulted by another older girl. I developed a strong crush on a girl later that same year only to watch her leave me for a cis man and completely spit in the face of the bond we had built. I clearly wasn't enough, I was not a real boy. My mother later coerced me into getting a labiaplasty at around 13 or 14, and has been inappropriate towards me ever since she realized I had some kind of dysphoria. She has groped me multiple times and made weird comments about how sexy my feminine features are. While my first relationship was with a girl it was online so obviously issues of intimacy never meaningfully came up. When I moved to another country at 15 I didn't pursue any romantic relationships through all of high school. I had flings here or there but they never went anywhere and I wanted it to be that way, I didn't trust anyone to actually love me. But after high school I got into an almost seven month long relationship with a girl.

Everything just kept coming out all at once. I felt so deeply sexually inadequate and was always worrying that I was being compared to previous cis partners and that she would get sick of me and my dysphoria eventually. She did. That's why she left, and I can't even blame her. Who would want to date someone who for the first four months couldn't even orgasm? Who would want to date someone who so frequently shut down during intercourse and sometimes would had entire mental breakdowns you felt like you needed to manage? She couldn't understand it, she asked me multiple times why I kept making it a gender thing, but it wasn't just a gender thing when I look back. I think I mainly just projected every single woman that had hurt me on her, and especially my mom. I was just being constantly reminded of how much women seem to like hurting me even when she was trying so hard to be understanding. I feel so sick over the fact that I only really managed to completely shut off my brain and enjoy anything when she was being really sadistic and controlling of me during the act, it just made me feel more disgusting. Why did I want to reenact abuse? When she posed the ultimatum of either me individually working through things or us foregoing sex entirely, I felt so rejected and threatened by the idea that she would stop loving me, that I just completely shut off any and all discomfort. But I in turn slowly became more and more detached during intimacy, it's like I wasn't even really attracted to her anymore because it was more about making sure she still loved me than it was about actually wanting to be intimate. I feel so irreparably damaged by women, by the female sex as a whole.

I took hormone blockers at a young age because I had precocious puberty. Already being aware of how eager my body was to violate and destroy me at such a young age was existentially distressing to a level I couldn't process at the time, instead I just kept thinking and telling myself that the damage would never happen despite the end goal of treatment being to have me develop "naturally and correctly on the right time". The entirety of my 14th year alive is a massive blur because that's when my first period hit. Just constantly, I felt like I was being raped over and over and over again, and it still feels that way. My female body is raping me just like the other girls. It is rejecting me and discarding me just like the other girls. It is also a girl, and it also aims to hurt me, and it gets away with it because it's a girl and girls can't do any of the things they did to me, because they're girls, and girls are too weak to hurt anyone of course. I'm so lucky! Should've been any other man, right?

I'm so fucking broken. I will never have sex correctly because the female sex and gender have so thoroughly raped me. I feel so alone. Everyone is always so scared of men primarily, the narrative is always that men do all of the abuse. And I'm not discrediting the statistical likelihood of that. But it just makes me feel so incredibly small and insignificant. My biggest wounds don't matter because it doesn't fit the woke feminist message of women always being victims and men the perpetrators. It sucks knowing that if I were to be assaulted by another woman again I couldn't even try to defend myself because that could easily be framed as assault and battery on my behalf, I'd be a woman beater, it would be so easy for her to convince everyone she's the victim instead. With men if I got hurt people would believe me at least.

I just wish I could've been normal. Even if I still ended up getting assaulted by women if I had been born an actual male instead of a diseased and deformed one, I would probably be able to find some kind of community or healing. But my body is quite literally the spitting image of those that have hurt me, and I cannot run away. Its not merely the fact it's the wrong sex and its holding me back from living my best life and causing me dysphoria, it's the added weight of all my abusers having the same setup. I see them all of the time. This female body rapes me all the time. I'm tired of females raping me. My physical form doesn't belong to me, it belongs to whatever woman wants to hurt me next, including itself.

It is impossible for someone to be simultaneously sexually attracted to me and love me. There is nothing about me that is appealing besides the things that cause me pain and thus any and all attraction would be harmful to some extent. The only way I'm comfortable with intimacy is if I know someone isn't actually attracted to everything wrong with me but is simply making do with what's there because they love me. But no one could love me enough to put up with me.

I am pre testosterone and pass about seventy percent of the time, but when I do I appear much younger. Thus attraction towards me prior to the knowledge I am trans is inherently suspicious and harmful because why the hell are you attracted to what looks like a sophomore in high school? Once the knowledge I'm trans comes up, then it turns into expecting specific things out of me due to anatomy, things I cannot do and simply do not want to do. Thus the attraction is rooted in something harmful. If all of those things are mere afterthoughts and the initial appeal was personality then maybe, MAYBE it would be okay. But that's so unlikely. For something like me to be wanted as a person I have to go above and beyond to make up for everything wrong with me and distract them from the fact I am physically incapable of the intimacy they've been taught by media and society is to be expected of me.

No one could ever love me enough to put up with my preferences. No one could ever love me enough to see past the fetishized script they have of me. And how am I supposed to even trust that they do? People will say anything to get you in then lock the door behind you. People want to rape me. They want to penetrate me. Anything else is "lesser than" and "foreplay" I genuinely want to blow my brains out. I could never meaningfully fulfill anyone's desires because I cannot compromise on being treated like a man, like a human being. But I am not human to these people, much less a man.

If someone is attracted towards me, all I can think is "What the hell is wrong with you?". This is not "internalized transphobia", this is knowledge that my body is disgusting and wanted solely for everything about it that makes me want to throw up. I cannot trust attraction from others because what fucking else could they want from me besides what feels like a corpse to me? Its impossible to be attracted to the fucking concept of a person. That's not how it works. They want what they can see.

I will never experience sex as this act of love that draws someone's soul the closest it can get to yours. That's for cis people. My body is a thick impenetrable wall that keeps my soul hidden away forever, so cold in darkness it can never be pulled out of. And people know that. That's why it's so easy to rape me. Because it is impossible to love me while simultaneously adoring and bringing attention to the single most traumatizing aspect of my existence.

It hates me and wants me to end my own life, I swear. Its like it doesn't even acknowledge or care about me, it's so incredibly entitled and seems to forget I'm not only it's caretaker, but also that if either of us die the other comes with.

I try to remind it who's boss. I hurt it on purpose. I do substances that make me feel free from it while simultaneously destroying it. I don't go to the doctor unless my body is suffering too loud and it starts to annoy me. I go periods eating very little food to starve it and try to fight against periods. This horrible creature has ruined my life so deeply I have no sympathy for it. Its constantly demanding care and giving nothing in return. It does not deserve any love or sympathy. I just do the bare minimum to survive. I hate it's features. I hate it's organs. I hate it's incessant nagging for food and water and to use the bathroom when I'm busy doing something else. I hate hate HATE it's sex drive, I'm tortured by it.

I hate that my entire life can be ruined if this fucker decides to make a genetic mistake and strap me with incurable disability. I hate that anyone can end my life simply because I have a body they can kill. I hate that people can rape me because I have a body. I hate this thing. It does not deserve care because it does not care for me.

First real in person relationship. I (M19) had been in one relationship prior but it was both long distance and during quarantine, so while I don't like to discredit it merely for those factors, this most recent relationship was certainly the first time I had been loved in a tangible way. I had also been single for pretty much all of highschool, so my relationship experience was lacking. Still, at the start, she assured me constantly that I really was different from the other guys she'd been with before. She had been a victim of assault and abuse several times over, gotten cheated on, she had a lot of baggage from previous relationships and a lot of insecurity surrounding trust.

But I loved her, I did everything I could to affirm her, I tried my best I really did. And I felt a bridge being built. I loved her so much. She loved me too. But a bad habit of mine crept up, one I thought I had resolved a long time ago. Slowly I started to treat her more and more like a therapist when we were alone in her car, after spending the day together. At first I thought it was just vulnerability, but it got too much. Not only that, but I was absurdly stubborn to any advice. She said it felt like I didn't want to grow while she was doing everything in her power to do so herself. I didn't even notice how bad it had gotten until it was too late, and that only made me more of a baby because I was so overwhelmed by the fact I knew it was going to be over soon. I didn't register the first time she tried breaking up with me as that, so I screamed and begged and pleaded for her not to leave me "until she had to"(she's a year younger, she wants to study out of state so she'd move anyway once summer was over). She became so horrified of my reaction at that moment that she chose to break up with me over a phone call.

I tried to arrange one last meeting just to say goodbye and give each other our stuff back, but she got her family involved and decided against it because she didn't want to risk me hurting her (she has been hurt by other guys before when they wanted to meet up one last time) nor would she want to risk her regret causing her to try and restart the relationship. I don't even want to be with her again, I don't think we'd be able to work after I got my heart broken, but what sucks is that she didn't tell me that me being an emotional burden was the leading reason for her decision. I had to get that information from a friend we have in common.

Apparently I had scared her so much she thought that I'd hurt myself if I found out that was the reason. Knowing why made it better in a way, I'm choosing to not let myself become self destructive and wallowing in self hatred and pity because I know that's counterproductive, but I am still so, so, so disappointed in myself. I thought I was above that behavior but I'm apparently no different from when I was 15 in an online relationship. I dont feel pain over losing a relationship, I feel pain over the fact that I still have to work on this. I feel like I just can't be vulnerable without slowly becoming dependent and hurting the other person. I distrust 90% of people and then dump all of my emotional needs on one or two trusted individuals after spending so much time repressing or ruminating on certain aspects. I have so much trauma I refuse to process because I'm scared of destabilizing my life while trying to heal.

I used to hate myself, I thought that when I overcame that I would get rid of this problem, but the truth is simply that I started hating humanity as a whole. Either way, I'm really upset. I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from this behavior, but that's not possible. There's nothing I can do about her now. I can change for the better, I'll still work on it even if she's out the picture, but the idea of being with someone again feels like just another opportunity to mess up, to hurt someone, to get them to become so scared of me. I've been hurt before by other people and it was so much easier to move on because those people were in the wrong, I could hate them. But I could never hate her, she was the only person to have ever loved me this deeply. I just ruined it. My friend (the one who's also friends with her) insists that it was equal parts unhealthy, but I just can't see it. Everything wrong with her was hard but rewarding to work through, while I was nothing but a drain.

It sucks. But what will self pity do? I don't even know why I'm writing this, I guess I'm hoping for advice.