Yung aso ko pa yung nagpaiyak sakin and naging comfort ko
Mejo mahaba to but bear with me kasi ngayon lang ako magvevent ng ganito with all that I have been carrying for more than 2 years with all the struggles one after the other.
3 weeks na since nagsara ako ng shop.
Ever since college, ako yung laging sinasabihan na pinaka matalino, pinaka outspoken, pinaka madiskarte sa magkakapatid. Laging sinasabi ng mga tao na ako daw yung magiging pinaka successful samin. And honestly, naniwala rin ako kasi everytime may gusto akong gawin, nagagawa ko naman.
While in college, kahit walang support from family, I grabbed every opportunity I could find para lang makapag start ng maliit na negosyo. Sumasali ako sa food bazaars, pop-up setups, kahit saan pwede. Hanggang eventually nakapagpatayo ako ng sarili kong café way back 2016, before pa maging sobrang saturated ng small coffee shops and before social media became what it is today.
Pero nung namatay dad ko, parang sunod-sunod nang bumagsak lahat.
My dad had the cruelest siblings. Sobrang garapal nila to the point na ilang days pa lang after mamatay dad ko, pinapaalis na kami agad sa ancestral house na dun na namin tinitirhan since bata pa ako. I’m already 35 now. We fought hard for it kahit grieving pa kami, pero sobrang toxic na umabot pa kami sa police station dahil sa harassment ng uncle ko na akala niya siya may authority sa bahay dahil namatay kapatid niya.
Eventually umalis nalang kami for peace.
Nagkanya-kanya na kami ng tirahan. Yung ibang kapatid ko may sarili nang pamilya. Ako, napunta sa ex-gf ko while trying to keep my café alive. Pero hindi ako prepared sa transition. Habang nagpapatakbo ng café, nag side hustle ako as a VA sa gabi just to survive. Pero kahit anong hustle ko, kinakain talaga kami ng economy. Abono nalang ako nang abono hanggang sa naubos ako completely.
It affected my relationship too. Hindi ko na kayang sabayan yung lifestyle na nakasanayan namin hanggang eventually she left me and pinalayas ako sa apartment na ako naman halos nagbayad ng bills and rent all those years. Pero dahil single mom siya, ako nalang umalis. Hindi ko din kakayanin to live with myself if I still fight for it since I have all the right, inisip ko na lang na I wouldn’t want to be the person to take away comfort and security from a mom who needs it more for her child. I can always survive and start again.
Since then, sa shop na ako tumira kasama aso ko who is everything to me.
For 9 months, dun kami natutulog. May maliit akong foam na nilalatag sa sahig malapit sa counter every time magsasara kami and we both cozy up together every night. Kahit hirap na hirap na yung shop, pinilit ko pa rin mag open araw-araw kasi may employees akong umaasa din sa work nila.
Pero 3 weeks ago, I finally decided to close muna kasi hindi ko na mabayaran yung kuryente for 2 months. Nabigyan ako ng 3-day disconnection notice. Last week, naputulan na talaga kami.
May maliit akong battery fan para lang kahit papano hindi mahirapan aso ko sa init. Lalo na sa init ng panahon ngayon tapos ang thick pa ng fur nya.
Kahapon sobrang saya ko kasi may pumasok na packed lunch booking. Tinapos ko lahat mag-isa sa dilim, walang assistance. Yung bayad ng client, sakto lang pambayad ng kuryente. Literal na after ko magbayad, 80 pesos nalang natira sakin today.
Nagtabi pa ako ng pagkain sana para samin ng aso ko from the packed lunches pero kinulang pa, so pati yung tinabi ko kinailangan ko gamitin.
On my way back sa shop after paying the electricity, nakita ako nung parking boy sa labas. Lagi niya akong tinutulungan before sa shop. Minsan siya pa naglalakad ng aso ko. Lagi ko rin siya binibigyan ng pagkain at konting pera whenever meron ako.
Kinamusta niya ako bakit daw ako nagsara. I didn’t want to open about my real situation cos’ I don’t want to talk about it cos’ I just don’t know how. I gave him a quick excuse na may inaayos lang ako pero itong parking boy na to will jump through hoops for me. Tapos sinabi niya nagkasakit asawa niya at kailangan niya bumili gamot. Thankfully may stock pa akong medicine sa shop. Yung binili kong ulam at kanin para sana samin ng aso ko, binigay ko nalang din sa kanya.
Pagbalik ko sa shop, ang natira nalang samin ng aso ko is isang scoop ng rice at chicken niya.
Habang pinaprepare ko food niya, sobrang ramdam ko yung gutom ko. Akala ko makakain na ako ng maayos today me na excite ako sa nabili kong ulam kanina. Pero iba yung gutom ko today. Hindi yung usual na one meal a day na gutom na nakasanayan ko before na pang diet. Ibang klase yung gutom ngayon. Yung tipong habang pinapakain mo aso mo, gusto mo nalang din makikain.
What hurts more is before all this, I tried reaching out sa pamilya ko. Sa mom ko, sa siblings ko. Something I never normally do. Kasi ako lagi yung takbuhan nila dati. Anytime may kailangan sila, I gave more than what they asked. Never ako nagbilang. I’m not mad at them and I don’t hold grudges or take them to account for all the things I gave when they needed me pero iniisip ko, are they also wondering why I haven’t opened, maliit lang naman ang city namin so the word gets around , but have they thought about asking me if I’m okay or maybe they just assumed that even when things are falling apart, I’ll always find myself back up again. I just wished at least one of them thought or cared to ask if I ate or why I haven’t been able to turn my outdoor lights on every time they passed my street but then when I checked on my phone I can see them out on a vacation posting their dinner at a restaurant they visited.
So online naman sila and they are able to receive my message pero ngayon, halos walang nagreply. Yung isang sumagot pa, interrogation pa yung nakuha ko instead of concern.
Ang sakit pala when you’re the person people rely on for years, tapos pag ikaw na yung nangangailangan, parang invisible ka nalang.
Then kanina may nangyari na tuluyan akong nagpabreakdown. Ngayon lang ako naiyak ng ganon and it felt long overdue.
Yung aso ko… hindi niya inubos pagkain niya.
Favorite niya yung chicken. Never siya nagtitira pag favorite niya pagkain niya. Pero today, tumigil siya kumain tapos lumapit sakin and rested his head on my lap.
Para bang naiintindihan niya ako. Parang alam niya pagod na pagod na ako. Para bang nagtira siya para sakin. He was the only one with me all this time, dala dala ko sya even when all these things happened to me he was there to see all of it.
And honestly… sa kanya ko lang naramdaman yung comfort and company after everything. Since the breakup, since namatay dad ko, hindi ko na nabigyan sarili ko ng chance mag grieve kasi feeling ko bawal ako tumigil.
Wala rin naman akong close circle na pwede ko masabihan ng lahat ng to.
Ngayon lang talaga ako umiyak nang ganito.
I feel abandoned. Alone. Gutom habang sinusulat ko to. Pero sobrang nafeel ko yung pagmamahal ng aso ko sakin and somehow… sapat muna yun para kayanin ko tong gabi na to. I love this little creature so much and it’s really hard to imagine that even when they are less that what humans are, but they give the most unconditional love and they teach you so much even without having to say anything. Kaya ayos lang talaga magutom ako cos’ I get to talk about it and I get to write about it but it’s not the case for these animals and of course for my dog. Mas hindi ko kakayanin na magutom sya cos’ he doesn’t get to choose or find a way out of his hunger and yet he still set apart his food to share with me. And I felt that.
Ang ironic lang isipin.
May café ako. Marunong ako magluto. Pero wala akong maluto para mabusog man lang sarili ko the only thing I take comfort from now is that my dog is well fed bukas na naman ako magiisip kung paano ulit kami magsusurvive and maka ahon ulit in the days ahead.
But above all, I don’t want you to think that I am ranting bec I still don’t regret why I gave when I had something to give then, when I was able to and sometimes when I had nothing left for me if kaya ko naman tiisin ung sarili ko I will, just so others can find comfort in their distress. It’s not to make myself feel good but that you maybe the only hope for others who are struggling even for a stranger you will never know na yung maliit na bagay na naibigay mong tulong will be another person’s dying hope and that’s good enough for me. I cannot judge people for their choices when we knew nothing about their options as well. Because from the outside, it's always easy to point at someone's life and say they choose wrong. We look at the outcome, the mistake, the mess and we think we would've done better. But what we don't see are the closed doors they stood in front of. The pressure, the fear, the limited choices they had at the time. Sometimes what looks like a bad decision to us was the only door they could open. Judgement is easy when we only see the ending. Like in my case it looks like a failed business and everything in between. Compassion starts when we stop and wonder what choices someone actually had. This is what I hold onto cos’ this is what my dad always taught me and the reason why he always go out of his way to help people.