u/Educational-Berry761

We've split up now but I'm trying to equip myself with psychological knowledge for when I'm ready to date again.

So on our last meeting before the split, he said that he was annoyed that his housemates accused him of speaking to someone for 1 hour in a bar they went to. His version of events was that his mate asked him to go over and ask the girls to dance with them, and so when he did, he turned around and the flatmates had gone outside. He stayed speaking to a girl for "5 mins" (not an hour) and he wasn't flirting he was speaking about a movie that came out the year she was born.

He told me all of this when we'd had a drink and the conversation was interrupted by a waiter but he quickly went back to "yeah so I'm annoyed about my housemates saying that" and elaborated, my gut feel was that he had been pre-planning to say it as he was feeling guilt. Thing is it seems they've accused him of being overly friendly twice before too 1. a woman sat next to him with their friend and the friend asked if he was going to get her number 2. a woman was being touchy feely and the housemates were shooting looks at him like what's he doing.

I spoke with a male friend about this who said it sounds like a half lie so that if it came up in future, he can say he told me about that and remind me of his version of events. And also the overly specific mention of the movie conversation distracts and makes it sound innocent - there's no way a 5 min conversation would only be about that.

What do we think? My therapist said he sounds like a covert narc for unrelated reasons and he was on dating apps a few days after our breakup so my perception of him as a person has changed dramatically. He was always the victim whose exes have cheated on him and was highly offended by fictional characters cheating on tv shows etc, obsessed with cheating to a point it was suspicious. If it really was only a conversation, is that cheating? Obviously I don't like the idea of a partner chatting with women, but if it's non sexual ordinary conversation, is that ok...? He's a good looking guy so did attract attention, but tbf his housemates would stir up drama in the house.

TLDR: my ex is textbook covert narcissist but I've been emotionally abusive throughout the relationship and he called me a narcissist. My therapist is biased towards me so thinks he caused the issues and doesn't see me as a bad person but I definitely have been. I'd like some opinions on all this to help me in my self-improvement journey.

Questions:

1. Does a covert narc ever start revealing traits in day to day with time? It only seemed to reveal itself in conflict, but we were only together 1.5 years. He was super insecure and misogynistic but otherwise I was the instigator

2. Why did he let me get away with being emotionally abusive at times if he is a narc? I felt I was the one in control a lot of the time. I don't feel like his part was "narcisstic abuse", but conflict were soul destroying & our relationship couldn't move forwards constructively

3. Any tips on making your therapist less biased? I really need honest feedback on the way my mind works to improve. Now she has labelled him a narc I feel I'm seen as the good guy

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Context:

My therapist (who I started seeing because of all this) said my ex (dated 1.5 years) sounds like a covert narcissist, and tbh it's something I'd researched previously after identifying DARVO / circular arguments, victimhood, insecurity, no accountability etc. We broke up in the end as I couldn't cope with the final arguments that happened over 3 days of him being the victim and me being the awful person. He denied any accountability whatsoever in the final arguments, and ironically accused me of having no empathy. No idea what the argument even was about at this point tbh, all I was fighting for was commitment to make it work.

In our breakup he called me a narcissist, abusive, manipulator and cruel. My therapist said it sounds like projection - to be fair I'm self aware enough to know where I've gone wrong while he saw absolutely no involvement from his side e.g. he even said "yeah I know you cried yourself to sleep and went silent that time, but that's because you knew I was right and had nothing else to say" (I was shut down and tired of it being a battleground).

I'm struggling with this though as in our relationship I was the bad guy a lot of the time, and not necessarily triggered by his behaviour e.g. name calling, picking out behaviours I dislike, controlling what time he wakes up, him walking on eggshells to avoid triggering me etc. I acknowledge for sure I have been a terrible partner and he actually has legs for the smear campaign he has now started. I'd say he was a great partner 75% of the time, so I'm struggling to see it as abuse when his traits only seemed to show up during conflict, although his mask did really come off a lot in those 3 days so I'm not sure if with time I'd have seen the real him.

I'm trying to work on my relationship patterns /suspected autism through therapy to prevent the things I'm responsible for showing up in a relationship again. Meanwhile he is totally free of any admission in his eyes so he'll be a victim again when his next girlfriend turns out to be "crazy" too, like his others.

I've done some terrible things in our (now ended) relationship, never physically but in terms of name calling and belittling. I do feel remorse over it and have booked a therapist appointment for the first time ever to ensure I work on it before dating again. Most things I can think of that I did had a relevance to communication breakdown e.g. my boundaries were not met, I wasn't getting clarity on things (like his future goals). But overall it's just that we weren't compatible.

In our break up he called me abusive, manipulative, cruel, and a narc. I admitted to all the stuff I did but none of it was actually relevant to the topic at hand. We actually broke up because the conversation got so out of hand from his side - defensiveness, no accountability, victimhood, and diversion. I accused him of DARVO (and did 6 months earlier) which he really didn't like and ironically didn't see why his communication style was relevant to the argument. When we were together in person the days prior, we had a bust up where he said everything about me being abusive etc and I heard him out, but the next day when I said his arguments follow DARVO he stood up and walked out, saying we need time apart (and thus ignored for 24 hours). He has been like this since day 1 with communication, the argument goes in circles and I end up the terrible person, but often the argument wouldn't even end - he'd leave the room or turn the TV on leaving me feeling unheard and wake up the next day acting like nothing had happened.

In one extreme argument last year he threw a pillow at me with force and screamed at me to get out, his eyes went black and his lips went thin in the most eery manner which is when I first came across "covert narcissism". He didn't understand why I was upset because the pillow was "fluffy" and I started it (he left the room mid argument and thought I'd be ok with that).

He has accused his ex of being BPD, she was never formally diagnosed but he pieced this together post break up. During our break up he was messaging someone (he won't even say who) sharing what I was saying and even shared a screenshot of the person saying what I'd said was terrible - he'd actually minced my words and left out the context to make me look a bad person. I have no doubt he's currently engaging in a smear campaign to boost his reputation and damage mine. He relentlessly says he's a good guy and has had "a hard life" which he also randomly brought up into our final argument too, yet realistically he's had normal challenges just like anyone else has.

I think upon reflection I'm really pleased that I can say I feel sorry about acting how I did and I'm now trying to work on myself, meanwhile he thinks he's the hard done by "good guy" who has been abused this whole time, and refuses to take any accountability. I get the vibe the cycle will repeat for him where his next partner feels unheard and is painted with some mental illness he pieces together on Reddit.

I'm having a bit of an identity crisis at the moment so I guess just an opinion on whether it's possible for you both to be emotionally abusive? My typical understanding of abusive relationships is that 1 person has the power and control, but in this situation I was often the aggressor while he was the one who left me feeling confused. I also don't know how comfortable you'd feel verbalising that someone is abusive and a narc if you felt threatened by them? Idk, any commentary is useful though to unpack this toxic relationship!