u/DryTranslator6676

Hello there, (its gonna be a ramble rant probably unorganized, excuse pls)

I was just diagnosed this week and found a therapist I really like/ am excited to work with. She is experienced in personality disorders, as well as the other reasons I was seeking therapy. I am relieved to know what is going on- and yet have basically no coping skills. I have been researching about BPD for the past few weeks, and was waiting for the diagnosis to do anything about it.

Something I have been aware of for quite some time- but not quite the extent, is just how much I numb with substances, usually weed- sometimes alcohol. I don't want to be completely sober, but do want to learn how to regulate without. Part of me does think I would be better off sober, but have been in a cycle of trying to quit and beating myself up for many years.

My best friend and lover of the past 3 years just cut ties with me- "as far as physical and emotional intimacy," they said they adore me and that this has just been triggering and so draining for them emotionally. That they have lost touch with themself because of the intensity of my spirals and helping me with regulating. This is the first loss, or transition, I have had to deal with since being aware that I have BPD. I think maybe they just waited until I had found a therapist.

They definitely are/ have been FP for all of this time- and now I just need to process and figure out how to be in the same spaces with them, if I can. We are polyamorous and relationship anarchists- something I came to realize just this last year- and I have another very close lover/friend, who they are now also intertwined with/seeing.

I can't help but feel guilty about draining them and hurting them when I didn't mean to- and also realize it is important for my growth. I thought in the past that it was specifically monogamy that made me spiral the way I do- and in some ways it was harder to clock when exploring polyamory-- or less in the face.

I feel so hurt, so empty and unwanted- and they have been a huge part of what made me feel wanted and seen for as long as ive known them. I have the more quiet version of bpd, but end up crying at work any time I think something is wrong- and today was really hard knowing I am losing those parts of our connection. They have been my main support emotionally and now I just feel so helpless without them. I want to go on and live my life but all I can do is cry, or run from it with substances.

I know this is something very stigmatized, and have came across some very insensitive YouTube videos for advice for people that have someone with borderline in their life. I want to find videos, podcasts, workbooks, books, anything really that can help me make some steps in the right direction. I am particularly nervous about dating, since they tend to be my favorite people, generally. Do I need to be my favorite person, do I need multiple? Is my relationship style, anarchy but poly, healthy for me? I think it is, and also think that I need to prioritize other connections, because I tend to starve all connections besides ones I have intense feelings for. When doing a look at my love life, I feel I always love so much more than I am loved, but I get now that it is to an extreme that has serious costs. I know the other love I have in my life is good for me- they are in recovery from bpd and have been really helpful with my emotions and experience. But I am scared of draining them too, as they mentioned recently that before things shifted they were feeling a need to pull back - but saw I am growing and has stayed.

I also basically only feel wanted if sex or attention is involved, and I need to learn to self-validate. If you made it this far, thx for listening <3

My Daddy makes me squirt without even touching me a lot of the time- and sometimes they aren't even trying to. Just saying "down," to kneel the other day made a puddle, that was luckily in my bedroom.

Then recently when we were outside in grass, in a neighborhood, talking. Then when we were wrapping up they asked what tasks I was going to do, to keep me accountable on the ones we talked about. Just having the dominant energy and words that they have I couldn't help it- and we were standing, and they told me to control it/ breathe and I tried but just went to my knees to finish it because it was already going down my leg.

How can I contain it better for appropriate places??

For context- I do love to give head, especially when I am dommed into it or can just tell they really want it. I have a partner that generally tops me, and we have probably the best sex I have had. We have a pretty strong D/S dynamic, so I have suspicions that my sub-headspace is just so strong with them I struggle to feel like I am still subbing when I am asked to do things like finger them.

I used to be so sexual, especially when on testosterone- I am trans-nonbinary/afab. They are also nonbinary/afab. They have a really strong top/dom energy, so I know part of it is just me comparing and knowing I can't do all of that. They have expressed that they just aren't getting their needs met for receiving, and basically want to be fucked. They have reassured me that I am not responsible to fill every need, and that I fill their needs as far as being a top goes. That it is just something they need to find.

For the last few months they have just topped me bc of that headspace and knowing that I haven't felt the same since getting off of testosterone- basically a desire to fuck. I am someone that takes stimulation to have any desires for sex though- and we have a lot of sex when we do, and I am fully present, submitting and loving every moment. They asked me if I would like to finger them or I think it was if I like to- and I felt bad because I used to really love having fingers inside of people, but now I generally just kinda dissociate.

I just used to get so turned on and ravenous when on T- but only experience that as a bottom energy and receiving lately. I just feel bad because I do want their needs to be met- and I know we are poly and I don't have to be the one.. They have said that they don't want me to do things I don't want to do- but I also have shame and don't understand what changed in me. It is hard not to feel selfish when I mostly receive from my partners. I do like to do other things for them, like cleaning sometimes, kissing their feet/body/ helping out where I can because they take such good care of me.

One idea I have is co-topping, I think having the presence of someone else to help me stay there and into it- it would take a lot of pressure off too.

Another idea is to start with more kink stuff, as there was kinda no build up to the fingering- but I haven't been giving in that or a strap way in months. ( I also have a tense body/ worries about keeping up ). Anyway- being stepped on, cleaning/ kissing their feet, and dommed into things that lead to that- and hoping I would still be in a sub and pleasing headspace.

I told them I would like to explore ways that work for us, and I mean it- and they expressed they are nervous because receiving in general is a really sensitive thing for them. I should have been honest in the moment, but I think the way the question was phrased felt so rude to say no- because I do like pussy, and I just haven't had desires to put my fingers inside of them. I also have sensitive/ loose-grindy wrists so have worries about getting stiff.. But they truly are fulfilling all of my fantasies and desires so I want to be able to do the same.

Any advice? <;3

For context- I do love to give head, especially when I am dommed into it or can just tell they really want it. I have a partner that generally tops me, and we have probably the best sex I have had. We have a pretty strong D/S dynamic, so I have suspicions that my sub-headspace is just so strong with them I struggle to feel like I am still subbing when I am asked to do things like finger them.

I used to be so sexual, especially when on testosterone- I am trans-nonbinary/afab. They are also nonbinary/afab. They have a really strong top/dom energy, so I know part of it is just me comparing and knowing I can't do all of that. They have expressed that they just aren't getting their needs met for receiving, and basically want to be fucked. They have reassured me that I am not responsible to fill every need, and that I fill their needs as far as being a top goes. That it is just something they need to find.

For the last few months they have just topped me bc of that headspace and knowing that I haven't felt the same since getting off of testosterone- basically a desire to fuck. I am someone that takes stimulation to have any desires for sex though- and we have a lot of sex when we do, and I am fully present, submitting and loving every moment. They asked me if I would like to finger them or I think it was if I like to- and I felt bad because I used to really love having fingers inside of people, but now I generally just kinda dissociate.

I just used to get so turned on and ravenous when on T- but only experience that as a bottom energy and receiving lately. I just feel bad because I do want their needs to be met- and I know we are poly and I don't have to be the one.. They have said that they don't want me to do things I don't want to do- but I also have shame and don't understand what changed in me. It is hard not to feel selfish when I mostly receive from my partners. I do like to do other things for them, like cleaning sometimes, kissing their feet/body/ helping out where I can because they take such good care of me.

One idea I have is co-topping, I think having the presence of someone else to help me stay there and into it- it would take a lot of pressure off too.

Another idea is to start with more kink stuff, as there was kinda no build up to the fingering- but I haven't been giving in that or a strap way in months. ( I also have a tense body/ worries about keeping up ). Anyway- being stepped on, cleaning/ kissing their feet, and dommed into things that lead to that- and hoping I would still be in a sub and pleasing headspace.

I told them I would like to explore ways that work for us, and I mean it- and they expressed they are nervous because receiving in general is a really sensitive thing for them. I should have been honest in the moment, but I think the way the question was phrased felt so rude to say no- because I do like pussy, and I just haven't had desires to put my fingers inside of them. I also have sensitive/ loose-grindy wrists so have worries about getting stiff.. But they truly are fulfilling all of my fantasies and desires so I want to be able to do the same.

Any advice? <;3