My (F21) fiancé (M21) has ongoing substance use issues and we live with his family who support me too, I’m unsure what to do next. Help?
I have been with my partner for 5 years. We have lived together that entire time. We are engaged and have already paid for our wedding venue (scheduled in a little over a year.) I love him and his family to death but I'm trying to form some sort of plan in case things don't work out.
My partner has ADHD that he has not made any plans to treat. I also have it, but I am medicated and have been since I was diagnosed because it negatively impacts my functioning. His father has very severe ADHD and is against taking medication for it, he also is a functioning alcoholic. My partner is an addict as well and can't function without smoking weed or drinking daily. This has had a very negative impact on our relationship in the past few years.
6 or so months ago there was an incident where he drank a 750ml bottle of whiskey after getting off of work in his car, and then proceeded to pick up his little brother from a friend's house and drove home. He was so sick I was scared he was going to die from alcohol poisoning and had to call his parents to help me take him to the hospital. I broke up with him and he told me he was done drinking.
I needed to pay off some debt and focus on school so we moved back in with his parents in January. I love his parents so so much and I have become part of their family. They are my only support system and they see me as their kid. They let both of us know from the very start that regardless of our relationship they are my parents and my relationship to them will remain the same.
Right now I am at a standstill. He is still drinking despite it causing me a ton of stress, and spends all his time off smoking weed with friends and playing video games to the point where he forgets we were supposed to spend time together. I am starting to think about the future and have tried to have conversations with him about continuing school, trying to live in some different states in the future, and building up our savings and he continually gets so stressed when these topics come up that he shuts down and the conversation ends there.
I have found outpatient centers for him and sent him information on these. He says he's open to it but I can't get everything set up for him. I got him set up with an individual therapist to help with his substance use and he has been seeing this therapist regularly for awhile but it's not helping. We are now scheduled to start couples therapy starting tomorrow and my therapist is in contact with the couples therapist to give him more background on the situation.
We love each other a ton but I've told him that I can't live like this and I do not want to get married if we don't solve these issues. I will also say that it is not only him. I nag him constantly and am very often upset about the substance use that I end up angry and unwilling to spend time together. We both need to figure out better approaches to communicating and empathizing with each other. He is an incredibly kind person and I know he is struggling, but I want to stay true to myself as well. My therapist thinks that we are good for each other in many ways, and is urging me to give couples therapy a chance before walking away from the relationship.
I guess I just don't know what to do if things don't end up working out. I need a plan. I can't afford to move out of his family home as I'm in debt, my car just got totaled so his parents are helping me cosign a loan for a car and I'm using the settlement money for a down payment, I'm enrolled in school, and I don't have the savings for it. I don't have any friends that I'm able to stay with. I don't have any other family in the state either. I don't want to leave his family and they would be devastated if I left. I hope things get better but I have absolutely no plan B and need help coming up with one so that I can stick to my boundaries if needed. His mom told me if things don't work out she wants me to stay in school and not to derail my life over this relationship. They also offered me my own bedroom. I'm hoping this will work but I don't know. I would appreciate any advice or words of understanding if you have experienced something similar.
TLDR: I love my partner and his family, who are also my only support system, but his addiction and lack of follow through are making me question our future. We’re trying therapy, and I could stay with them if we split, but I still feel stuck and unsure what to do.