u/CuteEngineer4052

Met my gf 8 months ago, made it official 7 months ago.

We live 500 miles apart and see each other on most weekends, sometimes I come to her, sometimes she comes to me and sometimes we meet up in the middle. On the weekdays we have daily contact with texting and calling.

We have great chemistry, much attraction for each other and love each other.

We are looking to close the gap and have decided that I will be looking for a job in her town and move when I get one. We also are looking for an apartment we can share (she lives at home atm).

Here’s my worries about the relationship:

1. ⁠We fight weekly. On the phone and when we meet up on weekends.

She have a way of putting her bad mood on me, and usually goes at me instead of talking with me when upset. I wish I could handle ut better but that usually leads to fights.

Fights that last over phone for hours and sometimes even goes over to the next day.

The fights are never about any real issue and they usually end with us getting tired and she usually says “we don’t even have anything to fight about, nothing has happened”.

The sad part is that she can escalate and sometimes it feels like I’m talking to another person, saying hurtful things. Always talking over me and usually twist my words.

She usually feels bad about her behavior afterwards and apologize, saying stuff like “don’t take it personal” and “don’t give up on me”.

I’ve tried to tell her we gotta be better at communicating but now I just hear myself saying the same things but nothing really changes.

The fights irl are more about her getting real cold and distant and it can go on for hours.

She will only say small, sometimes rude comments and it’s up to me to fix it.

Ends up with either a fight or her crying. The problem here is that she never tells me what made her like that in the first place, just that she misses me and is sad I have to leave soon.

Why are you acting cold and rude if you’re sad I’m leaving soon? Why not make the most of the day instead?

2. Extreme jealousy

Wanting me to delete female friends, delete instagram, accusing me of things I don’t do and have never shown any interest in doing (like cheating, looking at girls on my phone).

Always the same quote: “ I know how boys are” or “ I know how girls are”.

Big issues with female coworkers.

This winter I got to go on a trip with my work and that was a huge issue, instead of being happy for me she got mad and said i couldn’t go, or that she would come with me.

She later apologized and did ket me go but it was no picnic.

When we watch tv she always fast forward any type of nude/make out scenes, she have turned off tv shows we watched because a good looking female was on, she asked me to look away once when a good looking female came on. (Not nudity, just a normal scene of a female she found good looking).

3. The disrespectful comments are starting to build up.

I can feel that I am getting more distant to her after taking so much criticism and hurtful comments. This affects me as a bf to her.

And I’m walking on eggshells to keep things calm. I am careful in how I speak to her because we have had so many fights over the phone over my “tone”.

4. I feel like the relationship are on her terms.

We talk in the phone when she is available, and if I for some reason can’t pick up, she will sometimes guilt me for not being able to pick up, saying things like “I talked to my sister instead , she always pick up when I call”. It’s a clear dig at me for not picking up. Or just being in a straight bad mood, not telling me why, but I know why. So I always try to match her daily schedule to make sure the day runs smoothly for us.

I can give one more example: she wants her sister’s children (2 to 7 years old) to always be welcomed in our place , and be able to sleep over when they want to.

I told her that I’m not that comfortable with having them over all the time, and especially sleepovers.

Of course they will be welcome to come, and an occasional sleepover is fine but not like a regular thing.

I told her what if I had a long day at work and just want to chill, will you be able to say it’s not a good day today?

She didn’t feel that was a good enough reason to not have company over. So it feels like she wants everything on her terms.

It turned into an argument instead and it feels overall like we can’t talk about stuff without getting into an argument.

I have also suggested that maybe we should calm down on the move until we get to know each other better and figure each other out more.

She will usually reply with her “not looking backwards and always looking forward”.

She says the same thing when u want to talk about fights we have been through.

Would therapy help us here? Anyone with long distance experience that have moved in this dynamic?

Met my gf 8 months ago, made it official 7 months ago.

We live 500 miles apart and see each other on most weekends, sometimes I come to her, sometimes she comes to me and sometimes we meet up in the middle. On the weekdays we have daily contact with texting and calling.

We have great chemistry, much attraction for each other and love each other.

We are looking to close the gap and have decided that I will be looking for a job in her town and move when I get one. We also are looking for an apartment we can share (she lives at home atm).

Here’s my worries about the relationship:

1. We fight weekly. On the phone and when we meet up on weekends.

She have a way of putting her bad mood on me, and usually goes at me instead of talking with me when upset. I wish I could handle ut better but that usually leads to fights.

Fights that last over phone for hours and sometimes even goes over to the next day.

The fights are never about any real issue and they usually end with us getting tired and she usually says “we don’t even have anything to fight about, nothing has happened”.

The sad part is that she can escalate and sometimes it feels like I’m talking to another person, saying hurtful things. Always talking over me and usually twist my words.

She usually feels bad about her behavior afterwards and apologize, saying stuff like “don’t take it personal” and “don’t give up on me”.

I’ve tried to tell her we gotta be better at communicating but now I just hear myself saying the same things but nothing really changes.

The fights irl are more about her getting real cold and distant and it can go on for hours.

She will only say small, sometimes rude comments and it’s up to me to fix it.

Ends up with either a fight or her crying. The problem here is that she never tells me what made her like that in the first place, just that she misses me and is sad I have to leave soon.

Why are you acting cold and rude if you’re sad I’m leaving soon? Why not make the most of the day instead?

2. Extreme jealousy

Wanting me to delete female friends, delete instagram, accusing me of things I don’t do and have never shown any interest in doing (like cheating, looking at girls on my phone).

Always the same quote: “ I know how boys are” or “ I know how girls are”.

Big issues with female coworkers.

This winter I got to go on a trip with my work and that was a huge issue, instead of being happy for me she got mad and said i couldn’t go, or that she would come with me.

She later apologized and did ket me go but it was no picnic.

When we watch tv she always fast forward any type of nude/make out scenes, she have turned off tv shows we watched because a good looking female was on, she asked me to look away once when a good looking female came on. (Not nudity, just a normal scene of a female she found good looking).

3. The disrespectful comments are starting to build up.

I can feel that I am getting more distant to her after taking so much criticism and hurtful comments. This affects me as a bf to her.

And I’m walking on eggshells to keep things calm. I am careful in how I speak to her because we have had so many fights over the phone over my “tone”.

4. I feel like the relationship are on her terms.

We talk in the phone when she is available, and if I for some reason can’t pick up, she will sometimes guilt me for not being able to pick up, saying things like “I talked to my sister instead , she always pick up when I call”. It’s a clear dig at me for not picking up. Or just being in a straight bad mood, not telling me why, but I know why. So I always try to match her daily schedule to make sure the day runs smoothly for us.

I can give one more example: she wants her sister’s children (2 to 7 years old) to always be welcomed in our place , and be able to sleep over when they want to.

I told her that I’m not that comfortable with having them over all the time, and especially sleepovers.

Of course they will be welcome to come, and an occasional sleepover is fine but not like a regular thing.

I told her what if I had a long day at work and just want to chill, will you be able to say it’s not a good day today?

She didn’t feel that was a good enough reason to not have company over. So it feels like she wants everything on her terms.

It turned into an argument instead and it feels overall like we can’t talk about stuff without getting into an argument.

I have also suggested that maybe we should calm down on the move until we get to know each other better and figure each other out more.

She will usually reply with her “not looking backwards and always looking forward”.

She says the same thing when u want to talk about fights we have been through.

Would therapy help us here? Anyone with long distance experience that have moved in this dynamic?

I ended a 7-month long-distance relationship about 2.5 months ago and I’m still unsure if I made the right decision or gave up too early.

Things started really well — daily communication, strong connection, and we became official after about a month. Even though we were long distance we met up almost every weekend.

But over time a pattern developed:

Frequent jealousy and accusations without any reason.

Example: mad for looking “too long” at female servant while ordering food at restaurant.

Accusations about cheating or having interactions with females without evidence, always saying the same thing “I know how boys are” or “I know how women are” whether it was about me or the female she was worried about.

Wanting me to look away from the tv if a female she found good looking came on.

Once she turned off a show we were watching because she got insecure about an influencer on there. Nothing special happened, she was just sitting there on the show.

Calling female coworkers and some of my friends she found on Facebook “whores”, saying I can’t have lunch with female coworkers or hug them as a greeting when I meet up with them.

requests to remove female friends on Facebook, and also delete instagram.

Once took my phone and was about to delete a female friend on there, I took the phone back and she got so mad it escalated into a 2 day fight basically.

•and more•

Emotional reactions that escalated quickly over small triggers in every day life, often turned her emotions at me when upset, emotional or sad. Which turned into fights unfortunately, this happened 1-2 times a week.

Fights would go on for hours, sometimes go over to the next day.

In these fights she could often say things that were a bit mean and hurtful, but she always apologized afterwards and said I should not take it to heart.

But she never changed when she got triggered the next time.

conflict → apology → things going back to normal, back to conflict again few days later again

Big emotional swings between very loving and very cold/distant behavior, this cold behavior often showed in the weekends when we met in person.

Would last for a couple of hours then back to normal.

There were also a lot of good moments — affection, closeness, and strong chemistry — which made it confusing.

But the cycle kept repeating and eventually I ended it after another escalation, where she got triggered because I got home late for work and called her at 7 instead of 4 (the time of day we usually always spoke). She didn’t tell me this is why she was upset but I had gotten to know her good enough that I knew this was the reason.

She ended up arguing with me for 20 straight minutes without me saying a word, saying I don’t care about us, only myself, and if I don’t move in with her within a month she have to break up with me. Said I was wasting her time.

I was just sitting there waiting for her to calm down and talk like an adult but eventually I got tired and just ended the relationship.

This was 3 days after a great weekend we had together where she said she loves me so much and feels so safe with me. It could be like that often, very loving one day and the next day I’m nothing.

Now I’m wondering:

Was this something that could realistically be worked through with better communication and effort, or are these kinds of patterns usually a sign the relationship isn’t sustainable long-term?

I wonder if I should have waited out the argument instead of just ending it right there on the spot when emotions were high.

She was young and ut was her first relationship, maybe she just needed to learn how to communicate in a better way?

Considering I had to move and change jobs, and we would move in together it was a lot in the line for me here. But I really did love her and now I have mostly talked about the bad, in between she was amazing and that’s the reason I still can’t let go of her.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how to move forward in a healthy way after my last relationship.

Toward the end I felt constantly on edge, and I don’t want to carry that into something new.

I was not the same patient guy the last months compared to how I was in the beginning, because of our weekly fights and her sudden mood changes.

How have you managed to not get triggered by normal emotions in a new partner after going through something intense like this? And not carry on the same feeling?

I want to be a steady, supportive boyfriend, but I’m also worried I’ll overreact or shut down because of what I’ve been through how I was at the end. I wish I could say I was patient and understanding but towards the end I wasn’t the best version of myself.

Also, how do you personally tell the difference between normal emotional reactions and more unhealthy patterns? Like how can you tell someone is just having a bad day vs a toxic behavior?

I’m hearing a lot that we men should always be the emotional rock and that makes me feel like I failed in our relationship unfortunately.

Not trying to be a victim here, just want to know how I can learn moving forward.