I always blamed myself for my sister hating me, and my mother wants me to always fix it. AITAH to say enough is enough?
Hi all, I've always wanted to have a supportive warm relationship with my sister and my mother but I'm now at a point where I've had enough and I'm going to tell me mother she has to stop coming to me "to fix it." I spent my entire childhood trying to have a close relationship with my sister, but I've finally reached a point where my tank is completely empty and I'm starting to realise that I'm just a happier person when she isn't in my life.
Since we we're children, I craved a sisterly bond. I'd beg her to play with me, hang out with me when times were tough at home with our parents arguing all the time. But she would tell me to go away and slam the door in my face. For most of my young teen years, my sister would hit my upside my head whenever she walked past me within arms length until my 16th birthday. I'd asked my mum to tell her to stop hitting me every day, numerous times a day. I think I remember my mum asking my sister to stop once. But my sister didn't stop, and my mum had her own issues going on, so that was that I guess. On my 16th birthday, she said "happy birthday, my gift to you is to not hit you across your head anymore." She kept her word, but it took years to stop flinching everytime she walked past me. YEARS! I couldn't wait to move out of home, to live somewhere I would feel safe, where people didn't argue or let you down. So as soon as I got into a University a few hours away from home, I leapt at the opportunity. Even if it meant scraping buy as a uni student, working odd jobs.
My mum was never cruel to me, she just had to work through her issues, but she would give whatever she had, even when she had so little left. Even for my sister, who could be awful to her (and to me). They had a strained relationship at one point, so I know my mother was always afraid of losing her first born again. But to the point that she turns to me to constantly fix things, is the part that I've come to realise is not okay, not anymore. I could literally write a book on all the crap that has gone down over the years, and everytime, my mum would ring me up telling me I had to fix it somehow, make it better. Backstory: While I have always wanted a close sisterly bond with my sister, and I've more recently realised that my sister on the other hand, definitely doesn't want that. Or more so, she has said she does but her behaviour doesn't match her words. We would get together, coffee, shopping etc, and I would walk away thinking we had a really nice time. Then, without fail, I would get a call from my mother a couple of days later saying your sister said you were judging her, not nice to her, made her feel bad about herself, critisiced her, and lots of comments like this. The guys, honestly baffled me. My sister is also passive aggressive, so talking about it with her is not possilbe. I would ask her if I upset her, and she say no, I don't know what's mum is talking about. We would catch up again, and it would be great. Then, again, I would receive a call from my mum saying the same things. Rinse and Repeat. For frik'n years.
In some respects, I understand how women find themselves stuck in DV relationships. People watching wonder, why did that woman stay with that guy for so long after being mistreated? To the woman, she'd be defending her choice - "oh, it was a misunderstanding." or "we're good now." And the cycle would repeat. My sister had this way of being super nice with me and laughing, but as soon as I would leave, she would be telling everyone who would listen that I was awful to her. Or that's what I would hear from my mother. I didn't know who or what to believe. I would literally be baffled - I thought I was always nice and open with my sister. I'd try to clear the air, see what I did wrong to upset / offend her, she'd say no we're good, and it would happen again. And everytime, my mum would tell me to call my sister, and fix it. Literally, Rinse and Repeat. And everytime I would think, this time it'll be ok. My husband would be just as baffled about it as well. He'd be there with me at times, and later on after hearing the feedback from my mother, my husband would confused how my sister interpreted anything other than kindness and having a nice time.
The final straw for me was a few years ago, when I knew my sister was struggling to afford to have her roof replaced, and it was an urgent situation for her. I know my husband has replaced a few roof sheets for us in the past with his father's help, so I asked if he could help my sister. My father-in-law's health was not in a good way at that time. He was constantly out of breath, and it would take a year for the dr's to later figure out it was lung cancer from asbestos exposure in his youth. He was in his 70's at the time, but a fit and strong man up until then. I told my sister that my husband wasn't able to help or do it on his own, and how sorry I was that he couldn't help - I knew she was in a bind as a single mother of two teenagers, and I really felt for her. She seemed to take it well enough at the time, but then a few days later - you guessed it - I get a call from my mum telling me that my sister said I'm stopping my husband from working on her house. Well my flabbers were ghasted! All this time I thought she just wanted to to hate me for a reason I couldn't understand - and still technically does, but to fabricate such a blatant lie and try to convince our mother of it, showed me her dislike for me is delusional! My mother for the first time also realised there is something wrong with my sister. I had spoken all about it with my mum prior to breaking the news to my sister that my husband was unable to help her with the roof, so she knew it wasn't true. When all the other times, my sister spoke against me, it was the first perspective she would hear, so she'd run to me fix it thinking something must have happened for her oldest daughter to feel that way.
Finally, the lie was so big, and my mother knew all about it beforehand, she knew it wasn't the truth. This was the pont that I realised she must really hate me. Like not just a little. Yet why go to the effort hanging out with me for coffee or shopping trips if she genuinely hated me so intensely. To my face, she was always nice and chatty with me. It was at this point I realised enough was enough - and I'm ashamed to admit it took me so long to see it. Perhaps it was just a deep longing to have what wasn't ever really there that made me endure her toxic behaviours for so long. My mother still is trying to get me to fix things for my sister when they go wrong, whether it's from a break up, or her life isn't going well.
It's happening again. My sister is currently in the hospital, diagnosed with cellulities she contracted while working on earth machinery with a guy she's currently dating (ya'll she's a hairdresser), and I thought I'd test the waters by sending a text message asking how she is going with recovery, I heard it had been serious. I sent the text 7 days ago but she hasn't replied to my message. Instead, she called our mother a few days later saying she's not happy with me since I didn't actually call her. I instantly started to feel bad, thinking perhaps I should have called her. Then a friend pointed out the healthy response could have perhaps been her messaging me back, saying "I'm not doing well, I'd appreciate a call to talk" or something to that effect. I realised it's happening again - I'm accepting my sisters' anger and criticism for anything I do, or, do not do. Today my mother messaged me saying my sister isn't doing well emotionally at the moment - her current bf has read through her diaries while she is in the hospital recovering sending her awful text messages about how awful she is. I listened for my mum's sake since she was worried about her daughter, but at the end she suggested perhaps you should message her since she's upset. I really would rather keep a distance from her. There is no way it will go well. I'll be criticised or hated on either way. What do you guys think? If I don't message or call her, does that make me the bad person my sister wants me to be? Or should I stand my ground and keep my distance from her, to protect my own mental and emotional health?
Side note - I'm a psych grad who has recently realised my sister's personality strongly aligns with Borderline Personality Disorder, which would explain A LOT about how she treats people, quick to think negatively of others (not just me, every friend and stranger along the way), but incredibly insecure but in a underhanded passive aggressive way, and dislikes being alone or in her own company (explains why she persists seeing all these unkind men and ignores all of their many many many red flags).