u/Consistent-Emu-8143

I just had this thought and I felt like putting it out there. I’m agender (more like gender is a social construct but it feels rude and unnecessary to explain that to people) and iv considered my self as most likely aroace, not sure if that true though. Iv thought about this a lot and most of it there’s really no answer for. But what i just realized is not only do i really want people to have a crush on me, but i feel like i could love someone back if they loved me in the way a man love a man or a girl love a girl. It’s a bit hard to put in to words but it feels like when people add the concepts of “boy” or “girl” it just feels like you’re not really seeing them as a person. I don’t want to be seen as a man or a woman I want to be seen as a human being. I want people to love who I am as a person. I want people to like the way l look, or speak, or sound without those things being set on a scale of feminine vs masculine. I’m not sure that will happen though because the concept of gender being so ingrained into our society, that even if I find a person who doesn’t see me a gendered object, I’m not sure I would believe them, because even though I feel all this I’m still constantly measuring what about me is seen as feminine and masculine and feeling like I have both to little and to much of either category. I just want someone to see me as a person. And maybe someone who can love me as a person to, but that seems really fucking far fetched right now. Someone’s alarm keeps agh noise randomly and it’s pissing me off. I’m gonna go deal with that bye

I want to talk to people but it’s always been difficult for me, for many different reasons, and I want talk to people online but I feel like I never have anything important to say, and when i do i dont want to say it because im scared someone will get hurt. I’v been working on it and iv gotten a lot better with at speaking, but I know im really sensitive and so im constantly thinking about how to not say or do anything that could upset anyone. I dont want to talk to people and get a one word answer because im worried it will cause me to spiral. I know this is all irrational but i feel like im not a good person to be around. Like im toxic. I want to talk about deep topics but when someone talks to me about there problems, even if its just to sympathies, i immediately feel like i need to fix the problem and if i dont then something really bad will happen to them. There have been a lot of times where i felt like a really bad thing was about to happen and then it did, and i feel like its because i handled the situation incorrectly. I’v lost people that way. At the moment i have one person i let myself get close to, they are great and insist to be a friend despite my trying to end the relation ship and warning them i was i bad person to be around. I want to make more friends but i dont want to put anyone in a situation where they feel like they need to put up with all my anxiety and toxic behavior

Recently I’ve been getting more older guys asking me where I live/go to school. I’m a cashier so I feel like can’t just ignore them. I try to re direct but sometimes they just keep asking. I know sometimes they’re just making conversation and so I don’t want to make it in to a thing. But I really don’t like telling people where I live, especially older men who are literal strangers

I have no one to talk to, I feel like I’m about to cry but also kinda angry, iv felt like crying all day, my only friend is hanging out with other people while im sitting here doing nothing, IV don’t nothing all day, my room is a mess, im behind on school work and finals are coming up, IV been craving those shity Hannaford cookies (the ones that tast like flour but are still really good for some reason) I also need to pick up my meds but I don’t have the motivation for that either, honestly i don’t even have the motivation to eat, my nose hurts from repeatedly trying to jam a piercing in it so it doesn’t close up, that didn’t work, and honestly I just want to lie here on my phone for the remainder of the day so I can try to ignore how miserable i feel right now