u/ColdRanger7881

Edit: guys I’m not a bottom, I’m a stone top 😭 I’m not talking about the representation of femme bottoms, I’m talking about people shitting on them for not seeming manly enough simply because of their stature.

I started to finally dip my toes into the Boys Love genre after years of avoiding it due to dysphoria. I’ve been following some BL stuff on TikTok to find any good recommendations, and overall, the vibes are chill. Lots of people in the Boys Love community are great, and I usually have no complaints.

But there’s this one sentiment that keeps coming up. Just recently, a TikTok shows up on my page that recommends a BL where both love interests are tall and buff, and the caption was like “FINALLY, a series where the bottom actually looks like a MAN”. I’ve seen lots of people shit on stories where the bottom is way smaller than the top and has soft features, and I know this trope comes from a very heteronormative place but dude…I literally look like some of those guys they’re shitting on 😭 I know the whole small beautiful bottom trope is overdone and comes from a heteronormative place, but I’ve found a weird solace in seeing small guys like me being in relationships with other guys and still being seen as a man. I started embracing height difference couples in mlm romance because it sorta helped my height dysphoria.

I dunno, I think I’m overreacting. I’ve barely read or consumed that much BL at all, but the stuff I’ve loved in the past included a male main character that was small like me. I feel somewhat unreasonable for getting my feelings all hurt by all these people online shitting on tiny guys in BL, because I’m not the target person they’re trying to shit on.

Oh and also, does anyone have any good book recommendations with trans male characters? I feel like I’ve read all of them. AO3 recommendations are great too!

When I was questioning, I kept seeking out posts on TikTok that described the feelings of gender envy I had, because I wanted to understand myself and I wanted to know what I can do to make these feelings go away so I could be happier.

I ended up seeing a million comments from women saying “these feelings aren’t a transgender thing, it’s just a symptom of the patriarchy” “no you don’t understand, I don’t want to be trans, I just wish I was born male” “I don’t FEEL like a man, I just WANT to be one, there’s a difference” “You’re not trans for wanting to be in an MLM relationship; you just want egalitarian relationships in a patriarchal world”.

At first, I clung to these comments because I was an egg in denial, but now that my egg has cracked, seeing these comments makes me uncomfortable. It makes me insecure in my gender identity, and also, some of the things they say about trans guys is unintentionally (or intentionally, who knows) shitty.

I’m just wondering if anyone else has noticed this online.

I’m in ROTC and I found out way too damn late that I’m trans, and I’m about to finally commission and I’m terrified. I wanted to come out as trans and separate, but I currently live with my extremely transphobic parents and I just don’t feel safe to come out to them while I live under their roof. My parents are so extremely transphobic, they watch conservative news channels and genuinely despise trans people. I have no money to get a place for myself, and I’ve been trying to get a job so I can move out, separate, and transition, but it’s been so difficult because I want to leave NOW.

I am completely closeted. Only one person knows I’m trans. I haven’t told any of my friends, because after some vetting I realized I couldn’t trust any of them. I am so lonely I cry all the time when I can afford any privacy in my own home. I’m so lonely, I want to be out so bad but I have no fucking money. Everyone I know seems to be transphobic in some way. I have nobody to talk to and I’m beginning to feel hopeless.

Edit: thank you guys for your incredible words of encouragement and support. It means the world to me, especially right now.