u/Cold-Pool4027

I've rewatched a bunch of times in the past but now I just have it on all the time - basically just a background show I can slip in and out of paying attention to. I've lost count of official top to bottom rewatches at this point.

He shoots the guy and just drops the gun on the laundry room floor beside the dead body. No gloves. You've got to imagine his prints are on the piece and I'm sure he's gotta be in the system from a prior arrest. He was just going on about DNA and shit on the boat. What ever happened with that?

Excuse the grammar. I'm just trying to vent and not overthink it like I'm writing a paper for school.

I'm 37 years old. Live on Long Island in a one bedroom apartment with my girlfriend probably paying what most people pay for a mortgage because it's just the market here. From 17-27 I was a full blown drug addict. Went from smoking weed, to popping Vicodin, to sniffing Oxy, to shooting heroin. I've been clean for ten years now. I smoked some weed the first year or two but even quit that. Anyway, I am not here for a pat on the back about sobriety. I am here because I'm starting to feel horrible about what I've done with the ten years since getting clean - which essentially is nothing. Yes, I've gotten off drugs and I've got a good relationship. Those are great things and I am not ungrateful about it. The issue is when I got off drugs I was propelled into the real life of responsibility, adulthood, and bills. I understand that's life. But in order to fulfill my responsibilities I just would work meaningless jobs with no future to do whatever I had to in order to be able to pay rent and all my other bills. I did construction the first few years and since I left that I've been doing the Gig work thing. Uber, Amazon Flex, Instacart, ect. And honestly - for the first few years I loved it. Money was good, made my own schedule, didn't have to listen to anybody and believe it or not was making decent money and more money than I ever had at previous jobs. The issue is, the last two years I've realized what I'm doing is a dead end with zero future. Not to mention the markets are now oversaturated - and while I'm still making the same money it takes a lot more time and work. I hear my friends talking about their careers (which they hate but at least they're making good money and have retirements) and they have houses or are looking for houses. I love my girlfriend and literally want to cry just thinking about how I won't be able to provide enough for a beautiful home or a child. I don't tell people what I make but was speaking to my cousin a few weeks ago and he was talking about how he was sick of making "dick money" before saying he was making like 98k a year. I make like 1100 on a good week and on Long Island sadly that's considered shit - especially at my age. I've started seeing a therapist - it's not really helping. People tell me I should go to a trade school or something - which I would love to do - I just don't understand where I'd have time for it when I have to pay these bills. I'm working 12 hour days most days and because there may be a slow day or two during the week - I'll end up working 7 days more often than not. Also, I want to make it clear me and my girl split everything - which makes me feel even worse because I still wouldn't be able to provide the life id want to for her. I despise the fact this entire existence revolves around a fucking piece of paper or a number on a screen inside an app. I'm just so defeated that after getting off drugs I was so concerned with taking care of the "now" and not planning on the future. I'm totally fucked.