u/CleanAd9018

I'm posting this on Reddit because I had this idea that venting to literally robots is better because ​ a real person wouldn't care. Which is true butt I don't like wasting water, so...

Sometimes I feel fake, you know, like I'm not doing this whole trans thing right. Most trans guys don't do the things and I feel like I'm not doing it right. Sometimes I force myself to look in a mirror before I shower just to compare if the way I feel is right, and I still don't know. I almost want to punch the mirror, though I sometimes pretend the feeling doesn't bother me, and for the most part, it works. I go my whole day and weeks and so on without feeling “bad”, but there are nights where I … sometimes want to hurt myself. Don't worry. It's just a thought, and if it ever gets bad, I just burn stuff or throw away things. I haven't cut myself in a while. I'm doing well on that part. I just want this to be over. I'm so tired of crying it​ makes it much worse.

It feels too feminine. I know the whole ''boys don't cry thing is bad, but it really starts to hit when it's normal for boys not to cry, and I'm crying, so that proves that I'm not a boy and will never be. I just want to experience boyhood and be raised as a boy. playing outside with friends, talking and making jokes as a boy, I shouldn't have to wear 8 fucking sports bras and a goddam sock in my pants just to feel like a man.

I just want to wake up and be one. I want to talk with my friend and not sound so fucking girly. I hate it. It's fucking annoying. I came out to my mom, and my own mother told me, “You can never change your body. Love who you were born as, but I'll support you, but I will never support you changing the body that god gave you. And I just have to take it. This isn't about her feeling comfortable about MY body I can't even look at myself without wanting to punch the mirror. I get so fucking mad, it's not fair. I fucking hate it. I can't sleep, I don't fully feel comfortable, and I hate that I just can't.. all the other guys my age are growing up and I'm just stuck and forced to grow this way… I honestly want to rip my skin.

I'm posting this on Reddit because I had this idea that venting to literally robots is better because ​ a real person wouldn't care. Which is true butt I don't like wasting water, so...

Sometimes I feel fake, you know, like I'm not doing this whole trans thing right. Most trans guys don't do the things and I feel like I'm not doing it right. Sometimes I force myself to look in a mirror before I shower just to compare if the way I feel is right, and I still don't know. I almost want to punch the mirror, though I sometimes pretend the feeling doesn't bother me, and for the most part, it works. I go my whole day and weeks and so on without feeling “bad”, but there are nights where I … sometimes want to hurt myself. Don't worry. It's just a thought, and if it ever gets bad, I just burn stuff or throw away things. I haven't cut myself in a while. I'm doing well on that part. I just want this to be over. I'm so tired of crying it​ makes it much worse.

It feels too feminine. I know the whole ''boys don't cry thing is bad, but it really starts to hit when it's normal for boys not to cry, and I'm crying, so that proves that I'm not a boy and will never be. I just want to experience boyhood and be raised as a boy. playing outside with friends, talking and making jokes as a boy, I shouldn't have to wear 8 fucking sports bras and a goddam sock in my pants just to feel like a man.

I just want to wake up and be one. I want to talk with my friend and not sound so fucking girly. I hate it. It's fucking annoying. I came out to my mom, and my own mother told me, “You can never change your body. Love who you were born as, but I'll support you, but I will never support you changing the body that god gave you. And I just have to take it. This isn't about her feeling comfortable about MY body I can't even look at myself without wanting to punch the mirror. I get so fucking mad, it's not fair. I fucking hate it. I can't sleep, I don't fully feel comfortable, and I hate that I just can't.. all the other guys my age are growing up and I'm just stuck and forced to grow this way… I honestly want to rip my skin.

The way I’ll describe my dysphoria is like a deep, looming dread in my chest—it's tight, embarrassing, and uncomfortable. I can't even think of myself as a girl. Just the thought of it makes me want to rip out that tight feeling and bleed out. But the thing is I don't get that much dysphoria, and pretty sure in order to get on HR/ssurger is ill have to get diagnosed with gender dysphoria by a therapist. I don't think I'll be able to get diagnosed, and I fear that I'll never get the chance to get the help that I want. I fear that I'll answer a question wrong and never be able to be a man because I'm not sad enough. Sure, I get uncomfortable in the mirror and hate almost everything I'm forced to be but I had to sleep with a skirt once, and I didn't feel bad about wearing it. In fact i didn't feel uncomfortable. But the next day, one of my friends called me by my dead name, and it stung a LOT ,even hours after, so IDK. I know I don't cry much, but compared to another trans guy, they would have crashed out … am I really trans? This whole dysphoria thing has been really confusing.