loving me must be exhausting
i honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me anymore.
every relationship i’ve been through, i somehow end up being the one who causes problems or initiates the breakup. and now i’m starting to think maybe i really am the problem. maybe it’s not “high standards” or bad timing or incompatibility anymore. maybe there’s genuinely something broken in me that i don’t know how to fix.
what hurts is that these people loved me naman. they cared for me, stayed patient with me, tried to understand me. but somehow i still end up pulling away, feeling confused, doubting everything, or wanting to leave. and i hate myself for it because i know i probably hurt people who didn’t deserve it.
i keep asking myself: why can’t i fully accept love? why do i get scared when things become real? why do i feel restless even when someone treats me well? why do i always feel like something is missing?
i’m scared to let new people into my life now because what if i just hurt them too? what if i’m too emotionally unstable or too “broken” to love properly?
sometimes i wonder if i even deserve love at all, or if i should just stay alone until i figure myself out. maybe i need to learn how to love myself first, but honestly i don’t even know where to start. i don’t know what exactly needs fixing.
i’m just tired. and confused. and i genuinely want to understand why loving and being loved feels this hard for me.