u/CinderpeltLove

Are there any good resources for elderly ppl with medical needs in abusive relationships?

(Note: None of the provided flairs seemed like a good fit so I just went with the one that seem to best fit asking for resources. TW for brief description of medical abuse and a person joking about their abuser potentially harming them).

A family member (70s) is in an abusive relationship with her husband of many decades. I don’t know if he was really good at hiding or normalizing the abuse over the years or if he is developing dementia (family history of dementia) and is becoming angrier as part of that decline.

This person has a bunch of medical stuff going on (like falling for unknown reasons, breaking bones, some cognitive changes, and a bunch of other symptoms). Her husband claims she is making up her problems and won’t drive her or help her access medical care unless it’s something that’s hard to hide (like broken bones). This has been happening for months/years. He also treats her terribly- calling her fat, etc. Soon, she will FINALLY get some much needed medical testing. But they are doing some international travel soon (despite her currently untreated undiagnosed medical condition) so who knows. This person has joked that maybe her husband will push her overboard the ship/cruise…and I find that joke scary and is that a cause for concern???

This person knows she is being abused but sees no other option except to wait this out and hopefully outlive her husband. Obviously this is very hard for her adult kids and the rest of the family to watch. We respect her autonomy but it is hard watching someone who deserves so much better love and care than this go through this.

Are there any resources out there more specifically for elderly ppl in DV situations? Or for their adult kids and surrounding family members?

I did contact the National DV hotline and they gave me the contact information for APS but were unable to answer my question on whether it’s appropriate to call APS if an elderly person shows symptoms of cognitive changes but otherwise officially has the capacity to consent and make their own medical decisions? I am guessing APS will make their own determination?

In general, I feel like a lot of the stuff for supporting survivors or ppl going through DV abuse that I have found so far doesn’t apply as well to elderly folks. For example, creating a safety plan and leaving has different implications when you have complex medical needs (especially the cognitive changes) and when your entire financial life and everything is wrapped up with her husband’s stuff due her background and generation (spent decades as a stay at home mom with periodic employment, etc). I think family members and especially her kids are wondering at what point does cognitive changes or decline justify any sort of further intervention.

Anyone know of any resources that may apply?

I am looking for DV resources for elderly folks in the USA and if state-specific, Wisconsin.

My apologies if the title of my post is offensive- I know there’s many awesome ppl in this community and my limited experience with various LGBTQ+ folks have been mostly positive.

I (30sF) have been more clear-cut interested in men for a lot of my life but never really consider myself attracted to women until that happened when I was 26. Unfortunately, that woman turned out to be really abusive and it’s messed up my sense of sexuality. Like did I actually felt attracted to her or did she force me? Long story short, we were roommates new to each other and she called me “cute” in front of her visiting family and I founded myself blushing. It was the first time I ever realized maybe I am attracted to some women. That evening, while I was in bed falling asleep, I felt her get on the bed and run her hands all over me. I am not sure if I liked it or not. We then proceeded a situation-ship for a few months but I quickly lost my initial attraction to her because of her behavior and finally got out of it after six months by cutting her out of my life. I didn’t do anything further about this for years: But recently, I started talking about this experience with a therapist and it’s all coming back. And I am suddenly having dreams of being with women (not her). I’m not looking to do anything soon cuz I think I need to heal more from this trauma and from growing up in a super conservative Christian area but I dunno…do 100% straight ppl even consider dating someone of the same gender? Do they sit there trying to figure out their sexuality?I’m guessing no cuz I am confidently cisgender and reading stuff about trans and nonbinary experiences only reaffirms that I am cisgender cuz I just can’t really relate. I can only listen. So I imagine it’s the same for straight ppl.

I also grew up thinking that I would be open to dating a girl if I met the right girl. But my interest in women is more narrow than my attraction to men so it’s easy to find ways to invalidate myself. I also have a pretty low libido and relate to a lot of things asexual ppl experience too so needless to say, it’s all continuously confusing lol.

I am curious to interact more with the LGBTQ community but worry that I am a fraud if I go to events more specifically for the community?

I grew up oral and didn’t know any ASL till I went to RIT when I was 24. I’m in my 30s now and I am fluent in ASL. I have worked at several signing workplaces. I currently live in an area with plenty of Deaf ppl though not that many Deaf events (either that or I am out of the loop). The few Deaf events that exist are either general social gatherings or for stuff that I am not interested in.

Anyone still struggle with isolation despite fluency in sign language and access to a Deaf community? I feel like something is wrong with me or with my social skills. I grew up as an only child in a rural area and very isolated. I am also neurodivergent (ADHD) and I do much better in social events centered around an activity than general hangouts at a bar or similar. I find general hangouts too overwhelming, especially figuring out how to join groups and conversations when lots of ppl already seem to know each other.

Any tips? I know I probably should figure out how to host Deaf events for stuff I am interested in that don’t exist locally (like hiking) but ngl I am terrified to try that. I have many Deaf acquaintances but I don’t know them well and they don’t know me well either. And in case anyone says something about therapy, yes I am in therapy and am working on things that contribute.

My mom and I (30sF) get into random arguments that come out of nowhere sometimes. I often get confused why we are arguing when this happens. Sometimes, when she is anxious, she won’t say anything about her anxiety but will bring up the topic her anxiety is focused on which usually has something to do with me. For example, recently she wanted to know when I will be out-of-town for a week in the near future so she can visit and petsit my pets. I told her I haven’t brought the tickets yet for the event. I can instantly feel her anxiety through the phone. She doesn’t say anything but I can tell she wants me to buy tickets now so she has the dates. I ask if we can do it later this week cuz it’s 11:30pm. She then minimizes the issue and says it’s not that big of a deal and that I can do things last minute no problem. I can tell from her tone of voice that she’s downplaying the issue. I think her concerns are valid since she sometimes has to take care of my Dad and stuff so it makes sense that she would want to know the dates soon…it’s just that I don’t want to buy expensive stuff when I am tired late at night. I tell her that I have a lot going on this week and to let me know when she wants the information by and I’ll squeeze it in. She then accuses me of not sharing stuff so she couldn’t tell that I was busy this week. I said it’s her responsibility to let me know if she needs information from me for her own planning and my responsibility to communicate any issues with getting her that information. If she can’t petsit, I can find someone else. Or not go. Like it’s my problem to figure out. It was confusing and I felt like I was explaining how communication 101 works like I am teacher or something. Except she’s my mom. Is it valid that I find this dynamic confusing, tiring, and a little repulsive?