u/Chance-Suspect-1695

It’s been recently revealed to me that I have borderline personality disorder, and honestly, I don’t know how it took me this long to admit that the way I’ve felt in relationships wasn’t normal. If I’m being real, I didn’t even know this disorder existed.

At the same time, realizing it brought me a weird sense of relief—like I wasn’t crazy, like there was actually something going on. But that relief comes with a ton of guilt. The emotional ups and downs I put my exes through… it eats at me. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t recognize myself in those relationships. Looking back, it feels like there were two completely different versions of me. Now I know those were probably splitting episodes, but that doesn’t undo what I put people through.

I have an amazing girlfriend now. She’s the one who pushed me to actually look into this because she saw it before I did. She really is incredible. And sometimes that just makes me feel worse. Like I want to beat myself up over it.

I’m not hung up on my exes—I’m actually genuinely happy seeing them in healthy relationships. It makes me happy knowing they’re doing well. But at the same time, it hurts knowing that being away from me might’ve been what allowed that to happen. Like the best thing I ever did for them was leave.

And then I look at my current relationship, and it messes with my head. It feels like she’s stuck with me. Like I’m taking away her chance to have something easier, something more stable, something… normal. Sometimes I think about leaving just so she can find that. Because relationships shouldn’t feel this hard, and the number of times I’ve already left and come back is honestly insane.

I am in therapy. I have my first appointment on Thursday. I am going to do the work, because I really don’t want to keep hurting her. She deserves better, and I want to be better. But I also know this isn’t something that changes overnight. It will take years to unlearn things.

And that’s the part that gets me—the idea that she has to go through that process with me. Like I’m dragging her along while I figure myself out.

I care about her so much. I just hate feeling like loving me comes with a cost.