Pensavo di prendere un ereader per il compleanno di mio papà, ma dato che legge tanto, tranne le nuove uscite penso sarebbe carino se avesse una app tipo Libby.
Vivo lontana quindi non so se c'è, lui vive in un paesino.
Trigger warning: talk of emotional manipulation enmeshment and judgment, self hatred and using IFS speech.
I just realised that my anger gets triggered by people telling me how to feel, trying to manipulate how I feel, or trying to judge me for my self expression that doesn't hurt anyone. All things my family does.
Yesterday I got so upset after a call with my mother, she was trying to make my look for a diagnosis a pity party about herself and how her thing is worse, but trying already to make my sickness hers, so she can spiral and make it all about her feelings.
I was so upset, I still am.
Or the other day my brother asked me why I gave a name with my car in a judgy tone, I just wanted to! Life isn't serious, nobody cares what you think! I just like to talk about the car like its a person because its funny and its my first big purchase. Like stop being jealous and judgy for a moment. Who cares if people assume I'm ignorant based on it? I still hold more degrees than them (doesn't take much).
Another case is when people try to tell me who I am or what to feel, or try to interpret me without wanting my input in it. Believe it or not that happened. I thought I had trauma around misunderstood, In all reality I think I am just pissed people don't listen to me! I literally am here, why do you need a framework or to steal my emotions and difficulties to understand me?
My family was void of real empathy without enmeshment, for a long time I thought I also did, until I realized I just never received it. I still nowadays hide silly things about myself in fear I will be made fun of by the people I love.
And in a way I do, do it to myself. I am mysogynistic and judgmental towards myself and my expression of feelings. I constantly try to keep myself in like with an appropriate amount of emotional expression. I am invalidating myself and my hsp nature every day. Therefore I hate myself, I hate that I am 99% of the time that part that is hypervigilant and trying to be appropriate as if being myself wasn't.
I am allowed to be rude to people when they try and manipulate me or dismiss me, I am allowed to check in with myself then see if its an emotional flashback or if I should just change situation around me. I am allowed to leave everyone, but not abandon myself.
I am allowed to not love people who invalidate me or emotionally torture me, even if they are my family.
I do not feel guilt for being angry at who made me.
I am stage 1 hypertensive and can't get it down.
Out of curiosity my husband tried his blood pressure this morning and had almost the same values as me ( I 126-86) around 130-80 (his).
We have been eating well, cutting off alcohol, working out 2.5 hours a week and walking almost everyday for 3-5km. I am overweight and short but he is tall and skinny, so I wonder...are we causing this ourselves? I was sure it was my weight.
We have been avoiding salt and cooking at home so I am not sure what is wrong. Could it be that we can't sleep well for a year? Or is it just familiarity? For both of us one of our parents had heart attacks.
We'll keep trying to improve and increase activity levels but I guess it's safer to take the pill.
I realized I literally can’t find anything nice to say about myself anymore, I do know some things of course but they don’t feel right.
I am constantly berating myself to work, to improve to do more and fix myself. But I realized that’s just a way to keep myself feeling wrong and keep hating myself.
I don’t know why I hate myself but I just don’t like anything anymore. I am so mad at myself, and I don’t even know why.
My firefighter doesn’t trust my emotions because they are flashback, and if I just didn’t feel so much or ate so much or had so much shame then… then maybe it would let go.
I am in a healthy relationship, I am slowly accepting that maybe I don’t love my parents (and it breaks my heart), I guess I can see them in me, their mr Hyde parts, and hate them all.
I pick at my body like my mother did to me, I gaslight myself like my father does, I feel hatred like my brother feels towards me.
I can’t find myself my wishes and my hopes. Trying to fix depression with stoicism when you’re a rigid person is something I do not recommend lol.
Where am I? I know all the adjectives to describe me but my emotional self just isn’t here. I can describe my brain but not my soul.
I alway felt like I shouldn’t be here, I am long past since wishing that were true. But I dissociate away from the pain of what could have been, what I thought my family was, and what it is. A machine where everyone wants to control me and receive my love, yet never give it unconditionally to me.
And now I can’t love myself, I just keep trying to fix fix fix, work work work, so maybe one day someone will accept me. But someone does accept me, and its so sad to feel like romantic love doesn’t complete me, and this part of me.
I’m trying to ask myself ‘is this thought me or misogyny?’ and then move away from it based on it. But depending on when I find it extremely hard.
How do I stop seeing myself as a project to fix, like fixing the dysfunctional family internally since the real one didnt work.
I am navigating in fog 🌫️
My therapist is really nice, really supportive and a real professional, and I have been improving a little. That said every 2-3 sessions I get this nagging feeling that it's not the right therapy type for me?
I went in for an eating disorder, and also because I couldn't really function (this still happens I am getting now checked by a doctor because I realised its not totally psychosomatic- if it is usually I feel better after a walk).
Sometimes therapy feels more like coaching, more of a "check-in" than actually helping me or listening to me. He told me things about his history which make me think he is projecting onto me. And some sessions we spend 15 minutes of him giving me a motivational speech on taking a certain direction.
This really put me off last time, it sends me in a tantrum to be told what to do about my feelings or relationships. I do understand where he is coming from but I do not see any benefits in acting out my feelings, especially negative ones. I am an avoidant, people pleaser, and just a poster child for cptsd from emotional possibly narcissistic abuse. This is my assessment when I realized he wasn't worried about me having adhd-add or autism...and also started reading cptsd from surviving to thriving and it hits hard.
I am terrified of anger (also because it comes from being triggered from anything that sounds like misogyny- and sometimes it isn't and I don't realise until I have calmed down...usually by using food) and do not express it outwardly to the people causing it because it caused me emotional torturing, same with putting boundaries. This is inexistent if I am around safe people, like my partner, or my friends. I can just express my needs and they listen and vice versa.
That said we keep pushing on me feeling and expressing anger, when all I feel is stress from not being able to achieve it? Like it's literally stressing me out now. I also would like to focus more on how to deal with food on a practical level, and that went totally out the window or gets glazed over for the past couple months. I had to read self-help books on food again.
If I need to make this anger step, then I can't afford (economically) to get stuck in this anger discussion forever. Then I wait for the next emotional flashback or trigger to book a session.
I went in because I felt like I was failing at having a normal life, and now I feel like I am accepting my own way to live, but also now I feel like I'm failing at therapy.
I usually push through when I fail at things until burnout, but this is an expensive case. I also don't know if I should bring it up and pay another session to voice it out, I know it would be helpful on creating healthy conflict and being listened to about it. But also...money is tight to spend it in fixing imaginary disturbances.
I had to make my own b6slim inserts this year, but I am already bored of them, I binded them horribly. So I really would like a cute high quality hobonichi with light pages. But I am dependant on a b6ish size and unless I cut off half the notebook it won't be working for me 😞 I know about stalogy already but it costs a lot of shipping + time for getting it. I just wanted to rant about the lack of b6.
All my gigs come from word of mouth but I really don't have a great circle irl of people who work in tech. Anyone using Contra or fiver platform types and having any success with it?
I feel like nowadays the easiest way would be to just become an influencer but I'm not the type ahah.