Am I in an abusive relationship or am I overthinking things?
This will be a long one and I’m sorry. It’s a lot to describe but I am desperate for any help. My wife and I both (f37) have been together for 5 years. In those years her severe ptsd and adhd have made things extremely difficult. She doesn’t understand me even when I try the simplest way to communicate needs or boundaries. She doesn’t understand needs as far as emotional, physical or mental.
She needs constant attention, affection and a caretaker because she lives in a reality that is entirely different than most. It’s like she has to always feel like the victim no matter what the occasion. Sometimes to the point where she will claim extreme things have happened to her and that they are my fault. That I’m a monster. During our last argument I told her that both our mental health needs have gotten worse over the years and that I can’t keep doing this.
It blew up spectacularly and she went outside and screamed to our whole neighborhood that I’m abusing her. Then she claimed I’ve been SAing her for years(not true, even she admitted that she was lying after she calmed down, she said it was just meant to hurt me and as a survivor of SA that felt awful). Then when I asked her to please leave the house as she agreed she would do when the emotional regulation got out of control and even offered to buy her a hotel room for a couple days to give us both some space(I have three animals and can’t leave, I have many times in the past to find safety but she agreed she would leave this time).
Instead she placed herself into a dv shelter for nearly a month. She was never in any danger of anything and I feel it was extreme to do something like that but if it was legitimate to her then it is what it is. I know I’m not abusive. She even took a bunch of stuff from the shelter that she didn’t need, like clothes. She has so many she lives out of piles of them and has for years. I just keep thinking someone who really needed that space at the shelter or those clothes now can’t have them. Maybe I’m just being dumb idk. I’ve known this woman 20+ years and before we got married I never saw this side of her. It terrifies me. In truth it was peaceful during that time she was gone and though I was devastated by everything my mental health started to get a little better and I felt like I no longer had to live in a constant state of flight or flight.
After she calmed down she said she wanted to be together again and come home and because we just bought a house together and she is very unpredictable to the point of my personal safety being at risk. I can’t afford to run away and it would be really hard to with my animals(no I won’t rehome them, they’ve kept me alive through the worst times in my life and I can’t give them up) so I just said ok and tried to just let her do whatever she wanted.
Things got better for a tiny amount of time and then the cycle started all over again. I broke down and told her I am not ok and have started to self harm again in a serious way. Her immediate response was to get angry and clench her jaw and look at me coldly to say “you said we would stay together”…she didn’t hear any of my saying I’m scared I won’t survive myself in this relationship. It just immediately went to her needs. I’ve already been in the psychiatric hospital(2 years ago) for three days due to a suicide attempt because of all this and since then all the meds and therapy in the world haven’t been able to help me. I feel like every day I am suffocating and can’t find my way out of this. Some days I think I’m just delusional and want to believe I’m some kind of villain because it’s almost easier to do that than accept how bad things have gotten.
I have been terrified to post this all to reddit but I need some advice or just additional input. Thank you. It means a lot to someone who is struggling and going through a hard time feeling like my entire reality is being denied.