u/BungaSaavi25

23M here. I don’t know if I’m having an episode cuz it’s been a year since the onset of my declining mental health and I’ve been getting numb.

But right now I’m having so many thoughts of whether I’m gonna behave inappropriately, am I gay like will I not be attracted to her, overthinking a whole goddamn life till marriage and kids with this person whom I don’t even know anything about. Limerence I guess.

I have all these thoughts swirling around, I don’t think I am absorbing or acknowledging them but it’s just there. Something in me is preventing from acknowledging them but what if?…

I don’t know, if anything this date will show me something about myself

A year ago, a first severe panic attack set off my GAD which led to ocd and depression. I saw many shit in my mind that I hate till this day and all the turmoil I went through. Right now, I can get through any symptom and not feel sorry for myself.

It’s like, all this anxiety seems like a joke to me and like a game that my mind is playing because of the 23 years of anxious brain patterns I formed. Everytime I do an exposure and rewire it, I feel like a god lowkey.

But then this leaves me mentally and emotionally drained deep down. I feel like life is not beautiful anymore and that I have “lived” life already if you get what I mean. The reason I wanna address this is because I’m sorta talking to someone right now and something in me is just saying that I don’t deserve love and all because I won’t be able to keep it.

But still deep down I wanna be happy with someone and make them feel the same too.

Ok so I have been facing head on all my initial symptoms for a year now- dizziness, dissociation and panicky feelings uneasiness and all.

Like I just do what I normally do if that was not there u see.

But rn I’m having jitters and I can’t really mask it anymore. I constantly feel like something is stuck in my throat. Before GAD, I only got this feeling before speaking to someone but now it’s just there for no fucking reason.

I am still talking and eating as per normal eventhough it’s 2x harder rn but is this the way to approach?

A year ago I finally broke due to life stressors and experienced a concoction of depression anxiety ocd. I wasn’t able to seek help and tried to heal on my own whilst attending college and maintaining a social life.

I had to smile through the pain and found myself really isolated from society and such. Normally when u search up online for mental health stuff it’s usually love or family situation related which is more common and people are able to discuss about it. Whereas for me, I don’t even know why and how I went down this hell hole. So many unnecessary thoughts and physical symptoms that many people will find weird when I open up. Online self help videos were my only friend.

Right now, I’m holding up well and have learnt many lessons throughout this journey but I just don’t find many things enjoyable. I’ve started to go back to negative coping mechanisms and simply don’t feel afraid or guilty.

I’m going to do my internship soon and have told myself to work on building good habits then which I hope works. Does anyone relate to it?

I have barely smoked tbh but stress and stuff got to me last year and I experienced a first ever panic attack but I attributed it to my light smoking than 23 years of emotional suppression.

Ever since then I am only managing my anxiety never fully cured and unrelated to that I keep on having depressive episodes. I really want to smoke as it really helps me emotionally but the physical symptoms it gives me sucks so bad and after 2 months of starting back again imma stop because my body is sick of it and it’s so damn expensive in my country. I also can’t seem to cut down and the amount only keeps on increasing per day.

Idk how to process this as I really wanted a vice to get me through shit but seems like I can’t have any. Docs keep on trying to prescribe me meds but I know that’ll only mask symptoms.

Life has been really shit for the past few months so I haven’t been eating well and picked up smoking again for past 2 months plus. I recently cut a mullet off and since then been experiencing rapid hair loss and my scalp is so much in pain. Idk how to fix thissss. I’m going to stop my smoking today and start eating healthier because none of my family members are bald

I thought I was in remission for a few months but my university finals got to me and I’m in a severe crisis with real event which I know for sure happened though it’s all in the past. This post gonna be my last compulsion as I proceed on to grinding for a paper tmr which I have NOT studied the whole sem.

Fuck ocd fuck anxiety fuck depression. I will continue to thrive