u/Brave_Possible_5220

I (39F) have two kids 3 and 9 months. Birthdays parties have always been a great source of anxiety for me. I have a toxic relationship with my mother. The last time she was at my house in March, mom was drinking and smoking and cornered me to tell me she’s in therapy to “be closer” to me and my sister (30F), and because there’s “another generation involved now”. My sister and her are very low contact (since Xmas time sister told her she was pregnant and my mother responded, “I don’t need to know the private details of your life”) I’ve been at a loss for what lower contact looks like for us with our kids and their birthdays and other holidays.

At this last visit in March, my mom later on went on about how we will never make as much money as her husband does and that we should take over his garbage collecting company - but that means taking a salary FROM them (mind you we’ve already done this and left after broken promises!), we’d have to move 3 hrs away, and we’d have to sell our home. I’ve made it very clear that I’m not interested. I said about ten times please stop telling me that I’ll never make as much as your husband, it’s disrespectful, and you don’t know anything about my life or my abilities (I have 3 degrees and going for a 4th, have a career, and currently stay home with both kids because I think it’s best for them right now with the child care options available). She was drunk and kept saying you’ll never make what we make so I asked her to leave my house. I was crying as I helped her collect her things and walked her to the door and felt shaken by the boundary set.

What I’m gathering is that lately she wants to be close to my kids ONLY, as she makes no effort to get to know me or talk to me. For instance, I just planned and hosted my son’s 3rd bday party this afternoon. I invited 3 other local couples with kids that I was excited to see, as well as my partner’s sister, his parents and my mom, her husband, and my dad. As usual, my mom constantly tells me she’s taking one of the kids here or there. She doesn’t babysit, we haven’t trusted her with that, and I was abused as a child emotionally and neglected (she had me at 18 and we were homeless). When we are socializing, she has to separate the kid from the group and go elsewhere, probably for pictures. Often I feel like my kids are photo ops. She loves to take pictures and does very little interaction with them unless she’s taking pictures for Facebook. I’ve recently deleted Facebook and am not on Instagram either. I know I should set boundaries about her when posting pictures of the kids on social media.

She was over before the party to give my son a dirt bike. She didnt tell me she was buying him one. He was having a meltdown as 2 yo do but I had to carry him outside to show him as they stood there and I felt shame that he wasn’t “receiving” their gift with praise and adoration as they most likely expected. Walking into my home she scoffed at a pic I have that says family first and always. She rolled her eyes and didn’t know that I saw her do it.
She always tries to assert dominance and say things like “baby needs a diaper change I’ll go do it,” meanwhile I have to locate the diaper bag and find a change table and I say “that’s okay mom, I’ve got it. I haven’t seen baby in a while anyway.” And she always seems angry when I interact with my own kids in her presence or redirect her for eg “it’s okay mom he can go over there I’ll go with him,” she literally doesn’t make eye contact with me or saying anything to me (she said “you didn’t get your hair done,” and “where did you get that shirt?” was all I got today from her, no other questions about me and how I’m doing or about the party I planned and how wonderful it was etc).

They stay in a hotel when they do come. They had planned to come the night before the party (Saturday) to see us and stay in the hotel but my partner is sick and I’m getting over it as well so we told them Thursday that it’s best if we see them at the party Sunday as we weren’t well. I even texted if you’d like to stay that night (Sunday night) and be here for his actual bday (Monday) when I’m alone with both kids that would be great. She didn’t respond or say she was interested. So today they drove from 3 hours away to come to this birthday party from 12-2pm. Her husband is recovering from hernia surgery a few days ago so he looked more than ready to go, and I feel bad that he even came!

The invitation clearly said 12pm-2pm at a local venue.

My partners enmeshed parents showed up at our house an hour early unannounced. We had to wake the baby, order the pizza over the phone and finish packing up the vehicles - they live 40 mins away. I was coming out of my house with a veggie tray and other items both hands taken as she came up to the front door with a gift bag. I had made a special sign for the table at the party for gifts and cards and so I said “oh do you want to bring the gift to the venue?”. She responded “it’s for YOU, happy birthday.” with a sneer as if I had been rude to her? My bday was two weeks ago. She messaged me 7 days later and said “happy bday enjoy your day!” Lol - so idk why I’d expect a bday gift? She held it out to me and I said I don’t have any free hands I will put this in my truck first and she went “I’ll just leave it here,” leaving it on the porch and had nothing else to do with me the entire party besides at the end ask me if I’ve seen a picture of her daughters new puppy and to gush about the puppy showing me a picture of it. Partners dad and I might make eye contact but never say anything to each other. He used to make comments about my body when I was pregnant. These interactions seems so awkward, and make me reluctant to ever spend time with them.

The party invite said 12-2pm, after which both kids need to be put down to bed, but of course in the parking lot my partner’s enmeshed parents lingered to say goodbye as we struggled to buckle cranky kids in the car, lingering and mumbling hoping to come to our house, inviting themselves over.

When we turned to say goodbye to my mom and have a safe drive to them all, she didn’t hug me goodbye and seemed angry at me as she always does. She hasn’t said how fun it was or what a good job I did or texted me if she had forgotten to say anything to me at all. She probably won’t talk to me again besides to ask that my 3 yo FaceTime her, at which she barely speaks to me and only to him.

I’m thinking I need therapy and a change in this family dynamic - and to stop inviting grandparents to birthday parties. My daughter 1st bday is in August. How do I avoid them? How do I word it? My sister is already estranged from them.

I’m an Indigenous woman who hoped to be a psychologist. I stopped at my BA when my mom left (little sister was 14 and my dad worked nights, so I moved home and didn’t pursue grad school). Then many years later decided to become a teacher. Teaching elementary in Ontario is getting crazier and crazier (if you know you know) and I’m not sure I want to do it forever. I have an opportunity to be a full-time student while staying home with my two kids and keep them out of the mediocre child care settings in the remote town I live in. In terms of flexible careers and lucrative careers, should I pursue a BSW or a graduate degree in Psychology? The BSW I was admitted into is completely online and asynchronous (which is great for being a SAHM).

I have a BA psych, B.Ed and M.Ed.

Full timeline below:

2006 - graduated BA Psych

2019 - started B.Ed

2022 - graduated with M.Ed

May 2023 - first maternity leave starts

2024 to 2025 - took a leave from teaching contract, did teach online night school

Aug 2025 - second maternity leave

Spring 2026 - admitted to Laurentian - will be using grants/bursaries to stay home with my baby and toddler

Fall 2026 - just been offered a spot in Bachelor of Indigenous Social Work.

Considered applying to graduate psych programs. Should I still to BSW?

Spring OSAP

Plate vs Ate for 9 month old