r/enmeshmenttrauma

To other enmeshed adult children:

Like a Benjamin Button of sorts, you start your life as the parentified child, the caregiver of the adults' emotional needs. You're called wise and mature for your age. You can take or yourself, as well as your parents. But around the time of individuation, when your peers are going off and becoming independent, you start going backwards. Your parents treat you as incapable or fragile. They need to make all the decisions. Where you could once take care of yourself as a child, you now don't have the skills to take care of yourself as an adult. You see friends and schoolmates reaching milestones and leading normal lives, but you're paralyzed buy guilt, fear, and anxiety. There is grief in feeling robbed of a normal childhood.

But the milestones do come later, though they may look different. The development that was delayed is not impossible to achieve. The task now is to become the adult you needed but never had. The one to protect you, believe you, and to help you build a life for your own.

Is it not sexual abuse when a mother asks their 13-year old pubescent son if he has pubic hair twice in a car on the way to school, ignoring both expressions of distrust and discomfort?

Is it not sexual abuse when your father catches you walking around nude in the morning by mistake and a mother proceeds to ask with delightful curiosity what her son “looks like.” IN FRONT OF YOUR SON WHILE HE IS SHARING YHE ROOM WITH HIS PARENTS.

Is it not sexual abuse when your father replies with vomit inducing pride “like me”.

HANDS, EYES AND MIND OFF MY FUCKING BODY YOU RAPIST FUCKING BITCH.

Edit: I’m no longer using the term covert incest to describe my mother’s abuse codependent and creepy behavior during my childhood. It’s the technical term that no one thinks is real or understands unless they’re a MH professional or a survivor.

The language now is sexual abuse. I was sexually abused by my mother and it was enabled by my father. I want out of this hell today. I am FUCKING DONE WITH THE RAGE.

I (22F) have been with my partner (25M) for almost 3 years now and have a baby with him, over the years there have been multiple issues concerning him and his family, he acts like his sister is his wife and his mom acts like he is her husband. He constantly compares me to his sister and frames it as if i'm not good enough for his love, trust and respect because i don't do things how his sister does and i'm not his sister. When i got pregnant one of the first things he said to me was "having a baby with you is like i'm having a baby with my sister", everything we do together somehow reminds him of her, we go to the mall, as we're walking up the stairs into the mall he says the stairs remind him of "that one time he walked up and down stairs" with his sister, we play video games together, he has to stop in the middle to send his sister a picture of the video games bc it reminds him of her, we eat quesadillas together, somehow that makes him think of his sister, anytime she asks for anything he just ditches me to go do that for her or asks me to change my plans with him and go with him to accommodate his sister. When i was pregnant she asked him to go to tj maxx with her bc she didn't want to go alone and her boyfriend was at work, he leaves me alone at home so he can go to tjmaxx with her. Another occasion while i was pregnant she invited us to the pumpkin patch with her and he told me that he wasn't going to go but then just goes with them without me and ignores me the whole day, she asks him to come back to their moms house the day after his moms birthday to sing her happy birthday even though we were there the day before and said happy birthday to his mother and he just drops everything "let's go sing my mom happy birthday bc my sister said she was so sad that we didn't sing her happy birthday yesterday". He one time left me alone in the hospital on christmas while i had an ovarian cyst because his mom and sister wanted him to go back to the house for christmas. At my gender reveal it was just me, him, his sister and her child and she looked at her child and said "you're gonna have a baby sister" after finding out the gender of my baby with him. This year for mothers day he was telling me that he had plans for me and him for mothers day and then one day when we were picking our daughter up from his moms house his mom starts talking about mothers day and immediately when he gets in the car he suggests we change our plans for the day after mothers day instead of mothers day so that we can spend mothers day at his moms house with his mom and sister. His mom was so pissed when he told her he wouldn't be spending mothers day with them and that he would be prioritizing me that day that she immediately called him and accused me of being the one who wrote that text message and then gave him attitude "oh so she's your priority now" and then hung up on him for saying i was his priority and now just pretends i don't exist, only him and our child exists. On her birthday when we were picking up our daughter from her house he looked at me and said "babe can you scratch my back" and i started scratching his back and then his mom(who was standing there the whole time and knew he asked me and not her) pushes me out of the way to start scratching his back instead, and then even goes as far as to pull his shirt up and put both hands up his shirt and scratch his back even more. A couple weeks later his sister texted him about the situation and tries to say that i was talking shit about their mom to his brothers girlfriend and calling her a creep and tries telling him that i was telling the both of them that we had some sort of "altercation" to make him think that i was going around telling them he was abusing me and he just instantly takes her words as law and starts accusing me of shit while he's at work and comes home just to argue with me about it and then refuses to defend me to his sister, his sister even went on to text him again asking him to "keep this conversation secret from girlfriend, i don't want her to know about this conversation" and we got in a screaming match because i told him he needed to text her back and tell her he wouldn't keep secrets from me and that it's not okay for her to spread lies and gossip about me and he REFUSED and tried defending her and saying "oh well maybe she didn't know that it wasn't true" "i'm sure she's not trying to be rude" "i don't think she meant it like that". After the argument ended he finally just gave in and said okay i will tell her and texted her and said he won't keep secrets from me and that i didn't call his mom a creep and she just says "okay well you guys are good parents" and then the next time he spoke to his mom after the mothers day situation, she just asked him how he's doing and how our baby is doing and just pretended like she doesn't know me. And then the next time he talked with his sister after he said he wouldn't keep secrets from me she ignored his first text and when she finally responded (not until after he sent another text a few days later) she was extremely cold with him and didn't even ask how he was doing or how me or our child was when she always would ask, almost like she's punishing him with the silent treatment because he set boundaries with her.(this is also ironically exactly how he punishes me when he thinks i've done something wrong)

When the covert incest sub was still up. I asked a question if I experienced it and I got mixed responses. I described my experiences with my parents but I left out a big one with my mother, that involved something pretty gross. ​Which I'm going to meintion below.

My mom growing up had a problem with me masturbating. I could understand this from her perspective because I started to do this very young (3 or 4). She never really asked me why or tried to get me help for my problem. I would frequently do it. This made her very upset and she restored to watching me do it. It was a near daily thing for most of my life (which im ashamed to meintion) for her to watch me do it. Ever since I was a kid to a teenager. I stopped feeling weird about it eventually, especially since she never brought up the fact that she watched me do it. She would just, watch, and leave.

There was other things- she bathed me until I was 13, kissed me on the mouth (with tongue), make me shower with her once or twice. My father was sort of different. When he was drunk he would go into my room and lay on top of me, I couldn't push him off so I just fell asleep. I thought it was a joke for him to get a rise out of me. Same with him grabbing my legs and thighs. He also gave me inappropriate ​looks when getting out of the shower.

This is just a brief summary and it's sort of embarrassing to write. I feel as if I'm overreacting. I would appreciate help.

Sorry if this isn’t allowed, but I’m confused and was wondering if someone could help me through this.

I (21F) have always had a close relationship with my mom (56F). I’m the oldest of three and the only girl, and I feel like I’ve been her unofficial therapist since forever. She has a habit of venting about everything from her work to other family members of ours, but she always seems to look to me to listen to or validate her.

She’ll often knock on my room or bathroom or come in when I’m undressed and talk with me for a while, even if I’m uncomfortable. She’ll often come to me with her problems, and I often feel like I’m the only one to comfort her. She has no friends her age and relies on me primarily to do things with her and bond.

Normally I don’t mind this but honestly it’s become very exhausting. I feel like the burden of her happiness has always primarily relied on me. Even though I went away for college it seems like she hasn’t gotten used to me being independent and wants me at home more than ever. Whenever I go with my long term boyfriend somewhere or stay at his house, she often gets upset or sad and makes it known to me, whereas when my younger brothers goes out with his girlfriend, there is no pushback at all.

I love my mom, but whenever I try to set a boundary she gets upset or sad and I feel like nothing works. I’m not sure if this is health or how long I can continue this, but I can’t afford to move out and establish solid physical boundaries with her. Does anyone know if this is normal? If there a way I could try to set boundaries with her or make her see my independence? I don’t want to hurt her, but sometimes I’m tired of being her best pal. I just want to be her kid.

Again, apologies if this is the wrong space for this. I just feel alone and confused.

the only way i’ll be happy is when i finally move away from home. and far. i spent my whole entire life believing i can’t be far from my mom. i was parentified as a child and always ended up feeling responsible for the problems my probably narcissistic or sociopathic father created, responsible for taking care of my mom and younger brothers. and always in the middle of adult business.

now as an adult at home im starting to realize how my mom as much as she fiercely loves me, always makes me feel like i am a problem. my house dynamic is a complete blame game with no accountability. i just want to feel okay in my home and whenever i suggest any changes we can make all of a sudden im the i do nothing and im lazy, meanwhile my brothers get away with putting in the bare minimum with everything.

i think im starting to realize how much she views my siblings and i as extensions of herself. a few weeks ago she was sobbing to me about my brothers college situation and how she doesn’t want to put him through the same thing her mother did to her and become her mom. she doesn’t want him to be like her because she feels like she failed and she does nothing. she’s physically disabled and chronically ill. and her mother took her out of school for no reason. i tried to explain to her that it’s not that, money is an issue and gavin is not her, she just wouldn’t get it.

but when i had to drop out of my dream college bc they couldn’t afford it and i was struggling mentally and emotionally. i was kicked out for 1.5 months.

when issues arise at home with taking care of the house, my mom puts up a defense and tries to prove and show off how much she does while putting me down and avoiding the topic of how my brothers get away with everything, when in reality we are just dysfunctional and can’t work together. when i bring this up and come up with ideas on how we can work together better. i’m a problem.

the other night i was screamed at to get out of the fucking house because i left a bottle of tylenol on the table. i went upstairs, back down and starting putting everyone’s shit away while upset. of course i escalated things and was trying to prove a point. and i knew it wouldn’t help. but i just can’t take the way they make me feel.

my whole life my mom has been putting on a show of how much she’s suffered, telling us her stories of abuse, portraying herself as a victim and a hero for how she did everything for us when my siblings and my childhood was unstable and tumultuous. when i tell her personal vulnerable information sometimes she’d use it to get a laugh from her friends or for them to feel bad for her. my brothers are both autistic and growing up being an autism mom and over explaining and excusing their poor behavior that really isn’t innate in autism was her thing.

when i was a teenager i wasn’t allowed to have mental health problems. i always felt like i was a shadow to my brothers and her who had worse things going on while i knew something was wrong with me. whenever i would have a mental health episode it somehow became about her but “i must be psychotic” and i was gaslit horrendously.

for a while i truly believed my mom was doing better. she was in therapy, but supposedly she “graduated it.” and now things feel like nothing have changed and again im reminded of the ways she affects me but i always end up feeling so guilty and like i should be there for her and like i am just a problem.

it’s like we will have an explosive fight and then the next day she’s calling me baby cakes and being kind to me like nothing happened. then she’s uninterested in anything i say to her about my own life and i feel like im begging for her attention. and then the cycle repeats. in the problem again until she wants my attention or needs me, and then she just seemingly doesn’t give a fuck about anyone or anything but what she wants.

i am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. i know my mom has PTSD. but for so long ive felt like something is so wrong, like maybe she has some type of PD as well and has no clue at all. sometimes it feels like she has no sense of awareness when her emotions are heightened. it scares me so much how over time i realize how i am like her when i remember the ways she is not perfect and has not always been there for me. growing up i was lead to believe my dad was the problem. to this day when i behave a certain way she doesn’t understand sometimes she’s like “you definitely got that from your father.” as if she is not responsible for anything. like she was always the victim in everything and my father is the whole reason for why i am the way i am and for everything that was wrong about how i grew up.

I recently broke up with my ex of four years because of his deeply enmeshed family and all of the baggage that came with it.

It completely wrecked any sense of normalcy in our relationship as our entire relationship depended on the wants and needs of his parents and sibling. Genuinely, I don’t know how I survived four years in that situation. It was to the point where he wouldn’t even drive to my house because his parents needed the car “in case something happened”… he lived in constant fear of crisis, emergencies, and problems. But nothing ever happened.

He wouldn’t move in with me, he wouldn’t seriously talk about marriage and children, literally everything was so weird and just awful by the time I left. I spent four years trying to show him that love doesn’t have to be like that, and that prioritising himself and his own future doesn’t mean he’s being disloyal to his family. But he never really changed at all. He changed a tiny bit. But not enough for it to work.

What’s insane to me is that this was completely normal to him… he saw no problem with it. He didn’t think his family situation impacted our relationship and future. And he thought this was all normal.

Has anyone else experienced similar? How did you deal with it?

I've recently started setting hard boundaries with my mother. It is for my own self protection because of years of trauma. I'm working on healing but I still sometimes go back to her because of logistics. I go back and forth between her home and my college apartment because I have this job I'm doing in my college town for the summer. Today when she woke up today she said things like:

"If you don't text/call me atleast once a week just don't ever come back"
"I guess I'll move very far away if I'm not needed"
"I'll cancel your gym membership that's connected to me because since you're always gone there's no point"
"Youre so ungrateful, so you're just gonna come back and rely on me when it's convenient"

I went on an hour walk to help this cool down. It continued after. I just don't get why she guilt trips my independence but at the same time claims I'm relying on her. I am thinking of taking more (maybe indefinite) distance because I feel this is unsafe. Thoughts? Anyone experienced something similar?

I’m 29F and I have zero emotional relationship with my father. I’ve been enmeshed with my mother my entire life so any relationship I’ve had with my father has been through my mother.

Any knowledge or information I know about him or his life I’ve been told from my mom. Any thoughts or feelings he had towards me were communicated to me via my mom, seemingly without his permission. I have no memories of conversations between us that weren’t just extremely surface level small talk or maybe explaining a random fact. I never went to him for comfort or help.

He had a passive role in the family and was also a victim to my mom’s volatile outbursts. I feel sad for him. For years I only saw my mother as the “victim” in their relationship, because I absorbed my mom’s story of her being the only active caretaker in the family. Which of course was true to some extent, but our enmeshment only allowed me to side with her.

I cant help but be hurt that he never took a genuine interest in getting to know me as person.

I’ve been very low contact with my Mom for the past year and my Dad has never reached out to me.

Guess I’m just looking for similar stories. Anyone else have a Dad that’s a stranger ?

I’ve been with my fiance for almost 3 years. I’m born and living in a western country but am originally Indian (as is my fiance). A lot of Indian guys are very attached to their mothers, so I thought I hit the jackpot finding an Indian guy that lives in a different city to his parents.

I live with my family (not that unusual in Indian culture) and am close to mine but I have noticed some things that I find unusual, but I don’t know if it’s just difference in families or if this is something deeper.

• any minor crisis that arises, there is an expectation that my bf will travel back to his parents and be there. I get this expectation on kids stepping up in Indian culture adds something to this, but his parents have zero other social circle or support so rely heavily on this. This didn’t bother me too much until there was a conflicting time when I needed him for something we had agreed on in advance, and his parents continued to say he needed to be at home and he went. It was not a big thing that he had to do, more for emotional support. They seem to expect him to be there and simultaneously he says he wants to be there, so he is not willing to push back. His siblings criticise each other if they do not fall into line. Other times he has gone straight home (a few hours away) after a long work trip abroad rather than seeing me (with me offering to go to the airport just to meet him for an hour).

• Influence of ideas. We spoke about getting engaged in a particular city that I wanted to go to with him, we seemed to have kind of semi agreed to this. It then suddenly became apparent that he didn’t want to go to this city anymore. I never understood why. My parents later spoke to his parents about engagement plans (again this is normal culturally for us), and his dad dropped in that he didn’t think we should get engaged in that city due to the political climate there. It leads me to think that his dad directly influenced our proposal.

• Their family group chat is constant. I’ve known this for a while and didn’t mind but it extends to my bf being asked each day what he is having for dinner. This now makes me nervous as to what boundaries there would be when we are married. I’ve tried to ask this and he gets defensive and says it isn’t strange to him.

• His parents weekends are taken up by expecting the (adult) kids to go back home, or otherwise visiting the kids in the different cities. This is in contrast to my own family where despite me living at home, my parents have a busy social life and we are all leading fairly separate lives.

• They don’t seem to encourage their kids to move on or grow up. My boyfriend was invited as my plus one to my close friends wedding. His mother texted him and said ‘do you need to go to it’. He pushed through and came to it but it’s troubled me and I don’t understand it. He doesn’t know I saw this text.

We are now beginning wedding planning and his family are difficult, and presenting endless issues to stop things from progressing. Rather than be on my side (as I hoped), he is in agreement with them and seems to need to run every single decision past them. He doesn’t seem to want to progress anything because they don’t seem to want to.

What is this behaviour? Am I wrong to feel extremely anxious about it all/is this just a different type of family to me?

I’m terrified that this was not visible to me until engagement discussions began and I realised how involved they are.

Btw I posted this on r/raisedbynarcissists but I felt victims from enmeshed families may be able to relate to this more:

Blood is thicker than water is a line my narcissistic (but at the same time enabling) mother would always say to me to prove how family is the most important thing in the world. Well, mother, if family was so important to you, you wouldn’t have treated me like shit all of my life, and I wouldn’t be so happy to move away and live my own life away from all of her toxicity. I rant about this because I just moved 3 hours away with my boyfriend and 2 cats after graduating college and I’m so ready to live my own life, only that my mother has planned a 3 week vacation and a surprise 4 day vacation to meet my new cousin (?????!!!!) in the middle of July.

To give context, both of my parents are filipino and immigrated to the States in their 20s for nursing jobs. Filipinos have a culture similar to others where family is the number one priority. To the point where I am forced to an almost full week of vacation just to meet a baby who will have no idea who I am until about maybe 5 years down the road.

This just pisses me tf off and I’m really trying not to come off as privileged because a 3 week vacation I know sounds amazing, but it completely turns into a disaster when you’re traveling with literally your least favorite people of all time and who you consider the worst people in the world. The only thing I ever enjoy is hanging out with my little sister but other than that hell no. What seems like a fun idea of sightseeing and touring quickly becomes a nightmare when it’s with my parents. They treat me like shit the entire time, all of their toxic traits seem to become amplified when they travel, they completely step over my boundaries, which my mother already did in the first place forcing me to go on vacation without even asking me!

It’s just the fact she doesn’t even ask me, she just assumes it’ll be okay because it’s “family”! I’M SICK OF IT! It’s like I finally get the chance to be free and I’m still bound to family obligations. I’m just done. I know I can also just not go but thousands of dollars have already been spent for me. I’m anticipating that I force myself to go but grey rock method the entire time, or start treating them terribly and become visibly unhappy to ruin the mood of the vacation as they’ve done for me so many times.

How is this family? Truly how is this family? How can anyone feel at home when all of your feelings are dismissed to keep up an image, a tradition, that values only external validation rather than truly considering how your own child feels? Doesn’t make any sense to me.

My mom has always been extremely anxious, especially about health and safety. Some examples from growing up:

- She would take my temperature multiple times a day and check for symptoms like rashes or illness. I was a perfectly healthy child. She constantly uses me as a reasurrance loop throughout my life.

- I was often asked repeatedly if I was “okay,” and if I didn’t respond in a specific reassuring way (like saying I was “perfect”), it would lead to more questioning, panic, and her accusing me of being a liar.

- As a teenager, she went through my trash to monitor things like menstrual products for “health reasons.”

- She had strong fears about rare diseases(like brain-eating amoeba in lakes, even in Massachusetts), and would restrict activities because of that.

- She regularly is emotionally overwhelmed (crying, yelling, panic) over medical situations I've had or even routine things like bloodwork or common colds.

- She reacted emotionally and tried to "scare me" out of adult medical decisions (ADHD meds, SSRIs, HPV vaccine), framing them as dangerous.

- Even now, she still reacts strongly to my decisions (travel, activities, health worries), often escalating into yelling or panic.

Now, I have OCD, anxiety, and depression. I’ve been on Lexapro for about a year, and I’ve been trying to unlearn a lot of her fears that I used to take as “fact,” especially when it comes to health anxiety.

I don’t think she’s a bad person as she loves me and believes she’s protecting me but I’m trying to understand:

has anyone else experienced a parent like this?

and how did you start separating your own thoughts from their anxiety?

So I made a post a few days ago about how I feel like my relationship with my partner is at its breaking point. Here’s a brief synopsis: we have been together for almost 2 years. My boyfriend is a good person, I do love him. He just has so much on his plate having to be the go to person for everyone in his family. His mother is 49, and she is helpless. Her husband passed a few years ago (my boyfriend’s stepdad) and she is incapable of sorting through her own life. Her husband gave her a very soft life, she never had to work or pay a bill. Her husband left a lot of money to her & her family, but it is all wrapped up in trusts and she has to rely on my boyfriend to be the spokesperson and handle the finances. My boyfriend is trying to build his business & be present in our relationship while trying to handle all the household duties for his mother. Ever since I came into the picture, it’s almost like she needs him for everything. We moved into our own apartment and he has to constantly go back and forth between our place and hers because he has to help her out with paperwork, talking to people in charge of his late stepfathers assets, etc… so obviously that takes a toll on our relationship. I am trying to be as understanding as possible, but I fear this has no end in sight. We lives 25 minutes away from her while se live 1 hr 30 away from my family. I would think that us moving in together would help us grow as couple, but that constant back and forth with her calling 3/4 times a day while he’s at our apartment has me fed up.

I approached him and told him that I’m looking for other jobs (as I dislike mine, partially bc it’s so close to his mothers house) and there’s a possibility I’ll be moving closer towards my home town. He said we would have to ensure that we prioritize seeing each other. He would move back with her, & I don’t feel comfortable going to his mother’s house any more, based off her inconsistent moods and past history with her. Her friends have said shady things to me at family events, I get glaring looks whenever we show up to family functions. He tells me I don’t try to get close to her as much as he would like. I told him I call/text her with no response & that I’m tired/done with trying. Oh boy, did that set him off. He said we won’t work if his mother and I don’t get along. And that I should appease her. I flipped out, citing all the bullshit mistreatment I retrieved from her/his family/her friends, and that he has NEVER had to go through that with my family. My family took him in as their own. So he stormed out the apartment and went back to her house. I think this is it. It seems like making sure his mother is happy determines whether our relationship is okay. I’m just tired of crying and arguing. I just want to feel like leaving him isn’t some huge mistake. Seeing him with another woman will break me but his mother and I can’t get along due to our history.

Hi all, in recent years I realised my family (parents and sister) are highly enmeshed and codependent. I've been in a parentified role and the one who helps them with emotions they don't take responsibility for eg emotional meltdowns, scapegoating, huge emotional issues amongst them that they don't ever discuss being shared with me etc. This was basically my childhood.

I have multiple chronic conditions one of which is very bad at the moment. I've set boundaries around phone calls as they worsen my symptoms too much but my sister continually ignores the boundary, phoning every week which I don't answer. Then triangulating me with other family members eg 'you should call your sister she is very sad and upset'. Today I've had a one page email detailing how she understands my health but that they are all very upset that I'm not phoning her. I've explained many times I need to focus on my health rehab so I can get better.

In all of this my health needs seem to not matter at all despite them appearing highly anxious about 'fixing' my health (lots of unsolicited advice etc). All I need is some rest but the one thing they could help me with is not permitted by the system. Anyone experienced this or got any advice?

I really need some outside perspective because I feel completely lost right now.

My boyfriend is 19 and I'm 22. We're both pursuing CA and still have around 2 years left before our final exams.

My boyfriend's parents recently found out about our relationship. Since then, things have become very serious. They scolded and physically beat him, told him to leave Mumbai and move back to his hometown, and want him to continue his articleship there instead.

His father and sister have also contacted me directly through calls and messages, asking me to cut all contact with him. They warned me that if I continued talking to him, they would contact my parents as well.

The thing is, I'm willing to deal with all of that if my boyfriend still wants to be with me. I am completely okay with a long-distance relationship if that's what it takes.

However, his parents take away his phone at night, check his messages, and have even deleted all of our photos and memories from his phone. Some of our mutual friends have advised us not to stay in touch for a while because they think it will make the situation worse.

It's been around 15 days, and I honestly haven't been coping well. I cry almost every day, keep thinking about him constantly, and feel helpless because I don't know whether giving him space is the right thing to do or whether I'm just slowly losing him.

One thing that makes this even harder is that we're both at a crucial stage of our careers. We still have about 2 years before becoming CAs, and neither of us is fully independent yet. Because of that, I understand why his family has concerns, but the way everything has happened has been overwhelming.

For people who have gone through strict family opposition, family pressure, or forced long-distance situations:

• Did things eventually get better?
• Should I respect the temporary no-contact advice, or is that a mistake?
• How do I deal with the anxiety of not knowing what's going to happen?
• If you've been in a situation where parents forced a relationship to end, what happened in the long run?

I would really appreciate honest advice and experiences from people who have been in similar situations.

Ever since I became pregnant, my husband has repeatedly pushed the idea of us moving closer to his mother. First, he suggested moving to MIL’s town in another country. Then he suggested moving to Spain, where his mother would also move. Later, MIL wanted to come stay with us for a month after the baby was born to help. I repeatedly thanked her for the offer but told her I thought I would be okay without that arrangement.

When MIL eventually visited, she was extremely pushy and disrespectful of my boundaries. She could clearly see that she was stressing me out, but she continued to overstay her welcome. Meanwhile, my husband was lying to me and doing things behind my back to extend her visit.

Even after I had what felt like a mental breakdown from the stress, and after I thought my husband and I had agreed that she would go home after 10 days, he told me he was looking for an apartment so she could stay nearby for a month. At that point, I felt completely ignored and walked all over. I finally told him that the situation was becoming creepy and that if I saw her again, I would call the police.

After that, my husband spent the next month punishing me. He was passive-aggressive and would not let me go to my sister’s house for Thanksgiving. Then, on Christmas Eve, MIL sent me a passive-aggressive text message. When I told my husband about it, he responded by saying that he “knew I was going to ruin Christmas.”

I should also mention that shortly after MIL left, she changed her WhatsApp profile picture to a picture of two teddy bears that she named after her two adult sons. I found that odd.

Not long afterward, my husband told me that it would be best if I went to visit my family because we “needed a break.” However, once I left, he accused me of putting baby in danger by driving with him. I was having panic attacks for much of that drive because I felt the same way and also traumatized by the way my husband had been attacking me over my resistance to his mother’s involvement. Just one example, he kept flipping my stocking over with my first initial.

When I arrived at my mother’s house, I was so stressed that I started taking medication. When I eventually returned home, my husband was behaving somewhat better, but we continued to have conflicts about his mother.

During one argument, he told me that it was MIL’s birthday and that she wanted to come visit. He said he would tell her that she “won’t ever see her grandson again.” I told him that wasn’t the issue. I said that he simply needed to learn how to set boundaries with her because I believed he was enmeshed with her.

About a week later, he informed me that his brother and mother would be arriving in our town the very next day. I told him I was appalled and that I would be taking baby to stay at my sister’s house until MIL left. He then told me the trip had been canceled. I do believe that he had told her she couldn’t come but she then used his brother to try and disrespect the boundary.

At first, I thought this was a sign of progress. However, shortly afterward, his best friend called me and told me that “moving his mother-in-law into his home was the best thing he ever did.” I was furious because it felt like my husband was recruiting people to triangulate me.

Eventually, my husband admitted that his mother had been manipulating him and that he was “the victim.” I viewed that as a positive step and thought he was beginning to recognize the problem.

However, the other day he sent me an article about people leaving the United States. I immediately became angry because I suspected the idea was coming from his mother. I asked him about the status of his passport, and he told me that his mother had obtained her citizenship and that he and his brother were close to getting theirs.

After thinking about it, I told him clearly that I would never move to Spain. I explained that I would be far away from my support system and that, if problems arose in the marriage, I could become trapped there with baby. I told him that if I left the country with baby without his permission, I could potentially be accused of international child abduction. I also told him that I knew his mother wanted to move there and was pushing this plan. I do not want to raise baby in Spain. I want him raised in the United States.

The next day, my husband became very passive-aggressive toward me. He attacked me for taking baby to visit my friend’s grandmother, who was on hospice care in her private home. I have known this woman for more than ten years. My husband said, “Why should baby be seeing your friend’s grandma? He should be seeing his own grandma.” He also acted as though baby should not be around someone receiving hospice care.

I explained that she was dying of old age in her private home and that the only reason baby was there was because I am his caretaker and he goes where I go.

After that argument, husband left. He has not returned since. He told me he feels “sick” and does not want to get baby sick.

I finally told him that I want a divorce if he does not make things right. It’s been two days and he has been gone with no resolution.

Been married for 3 years. A bit before the wedding, I saw and was deeply uncomfortable by certain things I was witnessing..specifically through MIL - though I couldn't exactly put my finger on it. Over time through these communities here on Reddit, Youtube (Jerry Wise, Dr. Ramani) a light bulb went off..I felt deeply angry. I saw it in realtime of how this family system is so destructive to children and adult children..I wish I had more tact, and approach with how I showed my husband that his family system is deeply enmeshed and NA. It was too much too soon. Backfired on me. I became the bad guy.

It's been extremely hard the last 3 years. My husband has screamed at me for bringing up the word "boundaries" too much - he would yell "what does that even mean?" ..we've been teetering through the denial phase - he refused couples therapy though thankfully there was work happening with his individual therapist. 2 years in, finally heard from husband that his therapist said "I think your wife is onto something.." sigh..

I was in deep depression after the wedding cause I instantly realized what I got myself into, and combined with my other life stuff..it was a heavy heavy weight on my shoulders. Had never been so depressed in my adult life. I felt like we were supposed to be "happy newlyweds" but I felt trapped / oppressed by his family. Constantly compared to her other DIL. Had to live through the other son (who was jobless for 3 years) and DIL getting a gorgeous condo purchased for them, a car given to them..meanwhile we are working our butts off to create savings, a down payment, bought our own car etc. I know it's better this way. Though it is still hurtful.

I'm finally in a really positive place through my individual therapy, focusing on myself, taking care of myself better so I can show up in my marriage even better! I'm so relieved to feel like myself again though still shaky when incidents like this happen. & fully aware of how much more work I need to show up better for my husband. He literally doesn't even know what he needs or wants...

Behind the scenes there's been deep tension brewing with his family. I have deep empathy for my husband as he feels he is in between his family and his wife. He shared with his parents over the weekend that "we were thinking of separation" (I actually was not. We were fresh from a fight, I was shocked and broke down when he brought up separation to me, it was the first time) and he was shocked to find his parents immediately agreed. He told me he was shocked by what they said;

"We don't think (my name here) knows what to do with a nice boy like you" - erm he's in his 40s.

"You (my husband/son) had a happy childhood, it sounds like (my name) had an unhappy childhood." this one cuts deep - my vulnerabilities and my childhood being used against me? I did not choose or deserve to be brought up in DV environment? I've done the hard work and YEARS of therapy. I started my healing journey a long time ago, and set my boundaries with my family a long time ago. And now my family and I have the most positive relationship we've ever had. I don't know how they can say their children had a happy childhood when 1 son tried to take their life twice, and the other son was a heroin addict for 10 years plus, but to each their own.

**"**We really want our son back. We want the happy guy we used to remember."

"Everyone is worried about you - your sister, your brother, your aunts, everyone"

"We're proud of you for wanting a divorce - this shows that you have respect for yourself."

"We just want you to move back here. Let us know if you need any help."

Their transparency of wanting us to divorce says it all..so so enmeshed. I knew they didn't like me but wow NOW I really know and it's hard to swallow what the future may bring. I know...one day at a time. Anxiety is fear of the future. I have to stay present. But wow. It actually backfired. It actually shocked my husband so much that he is open to couples therapy. I asked him how he felt about being categorized as "a nice guy" he said he didn't like it. I don't like it. He's much more than that. He has depth, he's complex, I think he's brilliant, his capacity is deep. He's sensitive, funny and I'm always learning something new every day from him.

Anyone else been at this threshold? I'm looking for a couples therapist with a background of enmeshment. Any insight helps. Appreciate this community so much. Sending big hugs and love to you all.

I'm 31 years old and I'm just now starting to understand how I got here. I recently got out of a mental health treatment center and I'm sitting with this overwhelming question: how did my entire life just... happen to me without me ever actually choosing it?

Here's my story. I grew up in a college town in Oregon. My dad is an immigrant who built a successful business from nothing — genuinely impressive. But he never once sat me down and asked what I wanted to do with my life. Not once. He assumed that because he'd built something, my brother and I were "set." He wanted to prove himself in America and he did. But somewhere in that mission, asking his sons who they wanted to become never made the list. He's not a bad guy. He just never talked to me about life or guided me at all.

My mom had her own dynamic — I won't get into all of it, but I suspect there was a lot of enmeshment there. I'm not sure I was ever fully "seen" as a separate person with my own inner life.

So I graduated high school with no real sense of self and said I wanted to study "business" and go to a school with a football team. Not because I'd thought about it. Just because those were the most culturally legible answers I could reach for.

Then it just... kept going like that.

- Graduated from local state school, moved to SF at 22 for a job at a Big 4 accounting firm

- Got my CPA because I guess that's what accountants do

- Got recruited to a real estate private equity firm by a mentor (let's call him Surrogate Father) — who I now realize I was using to fill the void my emotionally unavailable dad left. My actual dad never guided me, and I latched onto Surrogate Father to fill that role.

- Covid hits, move back home to parents to work remote

- Surrogate Father says move to Nashville, so I move to Nashville in 2021. Month to month lease. No end game.

- Move to NYC for a summer to housesit for Surrogate Father. Watch his cats.

- That somehow becomes my full time life. Move to NYC permanently with no job lined up.

- Quit my remote job to work remotely for my dad's business from my apartment in Manhattan. Looking back, pure enmeshment.

- Feeling completely lost, getting pressure from Surrogate Father and others to take over the family business

- Apply to a top MBA program because it seemed like the next thing to do

- Business school is a whirlwind. Stressed out of my mind. Spending my time trying to do real estate deals for my family, helping plan family vacations, doing succession planning — anything except focusing on my own life or my own development.

- Graduation comes fast. Mental breakdown. Depression. A genuine reckoning with what happened to my 20s.

- Treatment center.

- Now I'm 31, sitting in a quiet place trying to figure out how any of this happened.

The thing that haunts me is that I went to business school explicitly to focus on the family business — and then at graduation realized that wasn't what I wanted at all. I spent two years and an enormous amount of money preparing for a life I didn't actually want. And I didn't even know that until it was over.

I'm starting to think the through-line is that I never individuated. I never actually separated psychologically from my family system and built an identity of my own. I used Surrogate Father as a stand-in because my real father never filled that role — and so I just kept outsourcing my decisions to whoever was in that position. Surrogate Father's suggestions became my life's itinerary. All the while, I never just...stopped and enjoyed life. Oh and I barely dated during all of this time too.

I'm pretty angry at my dad. He gave what he had. But I genuinely went 30 years without anyone — including myself — asking what I want. What do I want from my life? What kind of life do I want to build?

And now I'm on the other side of a breakdown trying to answer that question for the first time.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? The feeling that your life just happened to you — that you were a passenger the whole time without realizing it? I'm looking for anyone who has insight into the enmeshment piece, the failed individuation, the surrogate father dynamic. I genuinely still don't fully understand how this could happen to a person. How do you just... live 30 years without ever asking what you want and let your life spiral out of control?

Any perspective would mean a lot.

I’ve followed this community on and off for the past few years.

I remember my last post here included a lot of comments with bleak stories from spouses dealing with enmeshed partners.

I wanted to come back and share a different kind of update—more of a win and some encouragement.

After 3 years of couples therapy and uncertainty about our marriage, we’ve reached a place where things finally feel like the worst is behind us.

A big part of that has been my husband doing genuinely difficult work in therapy—facing painful truths about his family/how they were affecting our relationship, and working to change long-standing patterns.

All of this is just to say: I know not every situation turns out this way and not every relationship is salvageable. But I do think that when there’s willingness, insight, and sustained effort— from the person coming out of an enmeshed family and their partner—real change and healing are possible.

I (31f) only learned about enmeshment recently and I feel like it describes very well what I and my brother went through as children/ teenagers. We were raised by a single dad and looking back, I think the main issue was his extreme overprotection/enmeshment and infantilisation of us.

I guess one of the more extreme examples would be that he gave us a baby bottle every morning till we were in our teens. Anytime we’d criticise it/revolt, he would guilt trip us and play the victim. We had a strange living set up where we all slept in the same room, for a few years even on the same mattress. An own room or own bed for us children/ teens was never encouraged. He drove us to school every day, picked us up for lunch, took us back afterwards, and collected us again in the afternoon. When I started earning money through summer jobs, having my own bank account was discouraged. We weren’t allowed mobile phones until our late teens (around 2012). My mother was completely absent during my teenage years due to severe mental health issues so my dad raised us alone. I guess he tried his best but I always felt a bit like I grew up in a glass dome.

Even now, I feel like haven’t managed to completely break free. I still live in the same house as him, however on a different floor than him, together with my husband who moved in 6 years ago. The house is my dad’s property and we don’t have to pay rent. My dad is happy that we are there, so that he isn’t alone (he is already 80years old). The past few years I was fine with this set up, but I feel very distant to my dad, and always tense up when he is around. My husband gets along with him fairly well and surely is very glad about the setup because he is still studying and doesn’t earn yet.

Now I’m in a bit of a dilemma and I feel like I might have some sort of trauma from my upbringing, and it is resurfacing now.

My husband wants to start a family as soon as possible and thinks it would make sense to do so while we’re still living here, mainly for financial reasons. While I have a steady job, he is still studying and he feels it would be helpful to have support from our parents, both practically and financially. My dad would be more than willing to help. But something in me STRONGLY resists that idea. I don’t want to rely on my dad’s money to start a family, and I’m already uncomfortable with the thought of raising a child under the same roof as him. To me it somehow feels fucked up (like almost kinda incesty? I can’t even reasonably describe this feeling, but I am sure it has to do with the enmeshment I experienced as a kind and teen.)

I know that moving out will absolutely shatter my dad.

So not really sure what to do. Husband is making pressure to start soon. From outside perspective it might be reasonable to stay in this living set up for financial reasons. Also, the apartment is beautiful, good location etc. but I feel like there is a screaming voice inside of me that would want me to experience motherhood as far away as possible from my dad.

Can anyone relate to this feeling?
I am not quite sure what to do.