u/Both-Bumblebee-7814

So for some context I am diagnosed with depression. My depression has been getting slowly worst and worst the past year and I wasn't aware of it until recently. (I didnt have follow ups since I lost my family doctor)

So my ex broke up with me at the end of march after our first anniversary. I was obviously heart broken but I was okay at first. Then my body started acting really weirdly, like i had a bunch of extreme symptoms ive never had before. I was very scared I could be pregnant since I had a bunch of symptoms related to it. So I went to the doctor and the doctor cleared me. Fast forward like a week and my symptoms haven't gotten any better so I called a nurse and she told me I could still be pregnant and to go see another doctor to make sure. This made me really panicked, I had already been super stressed out due to my breakup and falling behind in school so I made an impulsive desicion and told my ex what was going on. He was receptive at first which was reassuring for me since it was really stressing me out. So I went to the doctor again and they gave me a blood test to rule out pregnancy 100%. I ofc told him about my doctor appoitment and how it went. I was feeling really sad and stressed so I asked if he missed me and he said he didnt so I kind of lashed out at him. He didnt respond and just ignored me so I just left it at that until I got the results. When I got the results I told him it was negative and it was a huge relief for me since it really stressed me tf out. But then he said that he thinks I deluded myself into thinking I was pregnant and to never contact him again and he blocked me. He basically thought that I told him I might be pregnant to get him to talk to me or smt. I was really shocked and hurt by this since ive never once lied to him in our whole relationship, I get that when I lashed out at him for not missing me it was wrong but still, being accused of basically lying about being pregnant to gwt him to talk to me really shocked me. I was already having a depressive episode so this made me really panic. I ended up contacting him through burner phone numbers becuz I wanted to explain that I didnt lie and I wasnt trying to manipulate him or anything. Ofc that didnt end well and he called me a lot of nasty things like that im desperate, pathetic, psychotic, delusional, crazy and more. And then he told me that two weeks after we broke up he already started talking to another girl. This made me spiral even more and for the next few days all I was replaying in my head was that I was crazy, delusional, and desperate. Even when I tried to stop the thoughts I couldn't and I was actually starting to believe that I was crazy and pathetic and that maybe I did do this on purpose to manipulate him or smt. And one night I felt completely numb, I just wanted my depression to stop and all of this to go away. I had an intrusive thought of taking my anti depressants to overdose. I googled how to do it and etc. But I ended up falling asleep instead. Next morning tho the thought of it came back and I ended up taking like 1800mg of effexor (my dose was at 150mg at the time) and I had to call the ambulance. Luckily I only got super nauseous and nothing serious happened to me but I had never harmed myself ever before. I ended up being released the next day and my effexor dose went up and I think its what I needed becuz now I feel a lot more stable and better.

I was really struggling since I hadn't had a depressive episode in almost 4 years that was this intense and bad. I dont want it to seem like im not taking accountability for my actions becuz at the end of the day I was the one who told him I might be pregnant, I lashed out, and I chose to overdose. I dont ever want to do this again and I regret it deeply. Our relationship was never toxic but it was me who always put in effort and he never did so it also affected me deeply when he broke up with me after we made it to a year. I really regret telling him I might be pregnant anf I wish I shut up becuz now ive ruined my image of myself to him. I dont want him to think I did this to get him to talk to me or smt but also the words he told me really affected my self perception since I was already in a mental health crisis.

I just wish I didnt have this illness. When my illness affects people outside of me jt really hurts me deeply becuz Its my business. Ive had depression since I was in elementary school and ive certainly made it manageable it still creeps back onto me. During our last talk he also said that my lack of motivation and me not being able to lose weight was the reason he broke up with me. For more context, in high school I was 210 lbs at my heaviest and I went back down to 145 lbs but then during our relayionship I went back to 160 lbs. He said my lack of motivation for not being able to lose weight killed his attraction to me. Again this deeply hurt me becuz my whole life ive been perceived as lazy and not working hard enough even tho I always try really hard and try and work hard. Its hust that depression makes it so much harder for me. I have to work a lot harder to get to where other people are with my motivation so when I thought I was doing good it really sucks to here that from someone. I was really proud of myself cuz I was doing so well in school and to be told that my lack of motivating was the reason he wasnt attracted to me anymore beings me back to my childhood. I was always called lazy by my father but in reality I was struggling a lot with my mental health.

This post is all over the place and probablt doesnt make a lot of sense to people who aren't me but I just wanted to vent somewhere since I feel very regretful for my actions but also I feel misunderstood. If u read the whole post I really thank u.

Manifesting with depression

My ex called me deluded for thinking I was pregnant and it lead me to overdose