what should a 21 year old with absolutely nothing going for them do with their life?
ive already given up on true self-fulfillment, i think its not really possible for someone like me. but i think i should at-least try something. so what should i do with a blank canvas?
when i was 19-20, i had a friend online who was 16, and we would talk and play videogames everyday for a few months. im so terrified that i did something harmful and dont even know it. i feel so worried that i wasnt appropriate enough. that i was wrong or creepy. i think about what happened all the time and try to figure out if or how i was wrong. i keep thinking of these instances where they laughed and mentioned sexual topic jokes and i just said “stop” and brushed it off cause i didnt know what to do, it took me like weeks to firmly put my foot down about it and say not to mention stuff like that. i cut them off abruptly and i also feel bad about this. i literally dont want to move forward because i feel like everyone will someday find out about this friendship and rightfully think im a weirdo. i feel like i deserve to be punished for this. i dont know what to do
when i was 19-20, i had a friend online who was 16, and we would talk and play videogames everyday for a few months. im so terrified that i did something harmful and dont even know it. i feel so worried that i wasnt appropriate enough. that i was wrong or creepy. i think about what happened all the time and try to figure out if or how i was wrong. i keep thinking of this instance where they laughed and mentioned sexual jokes and i just brushed it off cause i didnt know what to do, it took me like weeks to firmly put my foot down about it and say i wasnt comfortable. i cut them off abruptly and i also feel bad about this. i literally dont want to move forward because i feel like everyone will someday find out about this friendship and rightfully think im a weirdo. i feel like i deserve to be punished for this
when i was 19-20, i had a friend online who was 16, and we would talk and play videogames everyday for a few months. im so terrified that i did something harmful and dont even know it. i feel so worried that i wasnt appropriate enough. that i was wrong or creepy. i think about what happened all the time and try to figure out if or how i was wrong. i keep thinking of this instance where they laughed and mentioned sexual jokes and i just brushed it off cause i didnt know what to do, it took me like weeks to firmly put my foot down about it and say i wasnt comfortable. i cut them off abruptly and i also feel bad about this. i literally dont want to move forward because i feel like everyone will someday find out about this friendship and rightfully think im a weirdo. i feel like i deserve to be punished for this
i don’t know what’s going on with me. i just want someone to listen to me and offer any thoughts at all. i’ve never opened up about this so it would really help.
one thing i struggle with a lot , is this weird fixation on contamination . i’ll give an example. it often shows up around this one thing i really care about and enjoy a lot. at one point, it made me genuinely happy and felt like a safe, positive thing in my life. maybe because of that, i’ve always felt a lot of pressure around it … like I need to protect it from any negativity or bad memories. its been a bit intense at times. and after some moments where i felt embarrassed or like i made mistakes in spaces connected to it, my brain has started to link those feelings to the thing itself. now when i try to just love it, i get intrusive thoughts, feelings that it’s somehow “tainted” or ruined, or like i’m not allowed to enjoy it anymore? i dont know.
more so, i struggle a lot (a lot lot lot) with intense anxiety around like … past mistakes or embarrassing moments, and how they reflect on me as a person. this is a daily struggle for me. memories come at me all of the time, no matter what i do or where i am, and i feel stuck trying to figure out if they were truly wrong, how bad they were, or whether they could come back to affect me in the future.
a big part of this is an overwhelming fear of being exposed, or “cancelled,” … even though i’m not a public figure? it might not make sense, but it’s constant. i review every single thing i do, trying to assess how it makes me look, whether or not it could come back to bite me. i’m terrified to have a social media presence, or just doing anything worthwhile in the real world because of the possibility that it could come crashing down. i always feel like i need to hide !!!! like i am so, so guilty, all of the time, and i don’t even truly know why. i understand that it may be irrational but i CANNOT stop the feeling and worries.
i feel i have to be extremely careful with what I say and share, even to my closest friends. i’m always going back and deleting messages that i think could be misinterpreted or misconstrued, or deleting people who i feel are “unsafe”. i’m afraid to have arguments because they might one day use it to shame me infront of the whole world. i’ve even lost friends because i felt they knew too much about me and would use it against me. .__. i just worry that if i’m not careful enough, i could make things worse or create new problems. i also worry that it’s too late.
like: an example of this, is i’ll think about friendships or interactions i’ve had with people who were younger than me, thinking about the years between us, anything i said or did that could possibly be read as creepy, or fearing that they will find me in the future and expose me as a creep for things that i said or did. i’m just terrified that i’ve been inappropriate and i feel like i can’t do anything because i will get exposed for it someday and my whole entire life will be ruined. i think about this literally all the time.
there’s more than just the examples i wrote, i think … these are just the things i felt like getting off my chest. basically, my mind is a prison i can’t escape LOL. man, i would do anything to stop this feeling. if you read this and have any advice at all, thank you
i don’t know what’s going on with me. i just want someone to listen to me and offer any thoughts at all. i’ve never opened up about this so it would really help.
one thing i struggle with a lot , is this weird fixation on contamination . i’ll give an example. it often shows up around this one thing i really care about and enjoy a lot. at one point, it made me genuinely happy and felt like a safe, positive thing in my life. maybe because of that, i’ve always felt a lot of pressure around it … like I need to protect it from any negativity or bad memories. its been a bit intense at times. and after some moments where i felt embarrassed or like i made mistakes in spaces connected to it, my brain has started to link those feelings to the thing itself. now when i try to just love it, i get intrusive thoughts, feelings that it’s somehow “tainted” or ruined, or like i’m not allowed to enjoy it anymore? i dont know.
more so, i struggle a lot (a lot lot lot) with intense anxiety around like … past mistakes or embarrassing moments, and how they reflect on me as a person. this is a daily struggle for me. memories come at me all of the time, no matter what i do or where i am, and i feel stuck trying to figure out if they were truly wrong, how bad they were, or whether they could come back to affect me in the future.
a big part of this is an overwhelming fear of being exposed, or “cancelled,” … even though i’m not a public figure? it might not make sense, but it’s constant. i review every single thing i do, trying to assess how it makes me look, whether or not it could come back to bite me. i’m terrified to have a social media presence, or just doing anything worthwhile in the real world because of the possibility that it could come crashing down. i always feel like i need to hide !!!! like i am so, so guilty, all of the time, and i don’t even truly know why. i understand that it may be irrational but i CANNOT stop the feeling and worries.
i feel i have to be extremely careful with what I say and share, even to my closest friends. i’m always going back and deleting messages that i think could be misinterpreted or misconstrued, or deleting people who i feel are “unsafe”. i’m afraid to have arguments because they might one day use it to shame me infront of the whole world. i’ve even lost friends because i felt they knew too much about me and would use it against me. .__. i just worry that if i’m not careful enough, i could make things worse or create new problems. i also worry that it’s too late.
like: an example of this, is i’ll think about friendships or interactions i’ve had with people who were younger than me, thinking about the years between us, anything i said or did that could possibly be read as creepy, or fearing that they will find me in the future and expose me as a creep for things that i said or did. i’m just terrified that i’ve been inappropriate and i feel like i can’t do anything because i will get exposed for it someday and my whole entire life will be ruined. i think about this literally all the time.
there’s more than just the examples i wrote, i think … these are just the things i felt like getting off my chest. basically, my mind is a prison i can’t escape LOL. man, i would do anything to stop this feeling. if you read this and have any advice at all, thank you
i was scrolling on tiktok, and an account came up that detailed a horrific rape case… (it was just 2-3 sentences, but it was very terrible, detailed violence.)
there was no content warning or anything, it was just like BAM 💥. and now i cant get it out of my head and im feeling just terrified thinking about it, about that girl, about it happening to me someday.
what should i do to feel better? ive blocked the account so i wont get more videos like that and i think ill steer clear of social media apps for a while, but that doesnt change how i feel Right Now and im wondering what i should do :( .
i like to think about having a boyfriend, but the reality of men is scary and uncomfortable to me. :c … i don’t like the things i’m expected to do as a girlfriend … and i don’t like the things i’m meant to endure from a boyfriend. i would rather just stay away from them so that i won’t have to ever go through these things. i guess it just makes me a little sad that the things i daydream about aren’t possible in reality
i made an online friend that had a crush on me i felt unsure about my feelings towards her (looking back, i wasnt into her, i just enjoyed having a close friendship). still, i told her clearly a couple of times that im not interested in anything more than friends between us. she was very pushy (in numerous aspects of our friendship) so i cut her off.
but one thing i keep thinking about today, is like … i have this musician i REALLY like, and i had a bit of a crush on them, and she knew about this. and so she’d tease me and make up like stories of us together, silly cute stuff and it made me laugh. but a few times she took it further and … she’d just talk about him doing sexual things to me ? i laughed it off the first few times , she didnt go into a lot of detail … but one time, she took it further and was essentially like … going into detail about it? it just felt wrong and uncomfortable and i don’t know why this happened . i ended up expressing my discomfort. she said it was just for jokes but there was no joke, she just went on to talk about me having sex with someone i dont even actually know, In Detail, and like …. i just felt really objectified i dont know. i didnt even wanna talk about this musician with her anymore after that
i dont know if i did something to make it seem like i wanted her to do this? i just dont know. but i feel like i cant even crush on this musician anymore because it just feels weird and tainted now , even though it used to make me quite happy
i just don’t understand where i went wrong. i feel gross and embarrassed confessing to this
WARNING: i think i get sidetracked and ramble a few times during this, i’m sorry.
i’d really like it if someone would read through this and be able to make sense of any of it for me. it all still definitely impacts me, and i just can’t keep it inside right now.
when i was 17, i started dating this guy. immediately i didnt feel attracted to him, but he was the first person to ever act like a real friend to me and he was nice so i thought .. why not?
after a few months, things began to happen of course. i felt pressured to engage in physical and sexual acts with him.
i remember early on, saying i wasnt in the mood to be touched or makeout, and continued doing our activities, but he just began doing it anyway, so i figured i just should do it? then, after the first time anything Properly sexual happened, i tried to speak up for myself, just simply saying i didn’t really want it or that i wasn’t entirely comfortable. he sat there and started to sob about it, crying about raping me. i never said that he did at the time, just that it didn’t feel right for me. in my head, i felt so guilty, so from then on i was very careful not to speak up too much when i was uncomfortable because i didnt want him to cry or feel so bad like that.
so things continued. i remember faking my noises and pleasure, this makes me feel so ashamed all of the time. because i should’ve said no more instead of doing this. i think this is my fault.
i used to cry in my bedroom because i knew that when i went to hangout at his house, i would have to be touched by him, even though i did not want to. i felt trapped but continued to walk into the line of fire… i remember he would get me into situations, then when i became uncomfortable and tried to stop it, he would get angry at me. for example, once i tried to close my legs and he angrily said “keep them open,” and i just clammed up and stared at the ceiling and just let it happen. another time, he bought condoms from the store and got mad at me when i told him i wasnt ready to have penetrative sex, because he walked 10 minutes up the hill to go get them. he wouldnt drop it all day. i just felt bad.
this part, i guess i’m just mentioning it because i don’t really understand it. but one time he tried to get me to give him a handjob in public. like, broad daylight, at an empty train station. he kept asking about it and trying to convince me even though i thought it was weird and icky. he just told me he was gonna do it himself and walked off, then came back sulking because i wouldnt do it? i don’t know i’m just confused about this really.
this whole relationship, i felt broken. because i couldn’t feel good during our encounters. i thought i should like this, i should be able to enjoy it. but looking back, it was never really about me.
after we broke up, he would get me to do sexual things with him and i would at this point because i had no one and wanted to still be friends. again, i know its my fault. i invited him to my house, hoping to just be friends again, but he pushed me into my bed and started kissing me. i kept saying ‘this is wrong,’ but it continued anyway. this part, again, is my fault because i did continue the ‘motions’ along with him. i cant pretend its not my fault.
i also felt pressured into watching pornography with him around this time …. from my memory he just asked and backed off, but i remember sighing and deciding to do it anyway. i know this part is also very much my fault, but also he knew i didn’t like that stuff. :( i dont know. i remember him saying ‘see? its fun!’ and stuff like that. he would also get me to do stuff over the phone. i remember he asked for pictures, i agreed but said dont screenshot them, and he then .. yep immediately screenshotted them. i just felt so hurt by this. to this day i feel gross knowing he could have them still. :(
he was ignoring my boundaries more and more at this time , like saying things i explicitly said i didnt like for him to say.
this whole relationship tore my confidence down, i spent most of my time at his house or with him at school. and him and his dad genuinely teamed up and berated me on a couple occasions. they thought i didnt care enough about their interests even though i always sat with them while they watched their sports or went along to games. just things like that. it was often that his dad cornered me and told me everything he deemed wrong with me. after i cut this relationship off, i was cornered by the ex at our school, aggressively yelled at (to the point of nearby teachers saying they were afraid), and also stalked/glared at + pushed around by him in the halls. he did this because he saw me talking to a teacher privately about how i felt, he wanted me to leave him alone, but i wasnt doing anything, i was just talking to her about how terrible i felt after this and trying not to go crazy. he also was angry because i had made some other friends. (just people who were nice and i sat with them for lunch.) i was afraid to go to school and i didnt go to school for my last 3 months of my final year.
i’m just a very dumb girl
i remember when it happened, nobody in my family listened to me or cared. i had no friends at the time, either. i just felt shamed for talking about it … told to move on. i feel ashamed just thinking of this time period. :( i feel ashamed even thinking of the events that occurred. i feel like i just made it up. but if i did, why? what’s making this hurt me? i don’t understand why any of this happened. i wish i could talk to someone and they could tell me if it really happened or not
im a girl with big feet and i hate it, its one of my biggest insecurities !!!! i was made fun of growing up by my family. i want to be able to do things, like get pedicures, but its just too embarrassing because i KNOW anyone there will look at my feet and just be like “DAMN girl” </33 i want to be small and cute and feel pretty … i just feel huge and i hate it .. IM NOT EVEN THAT TALL. its unfortunate because its one of those things you really cant fix either
(i put the nsfw tag because it might be too sad for some people to read)
theres nothing i can do about it, because they’ve accepted it and will never stand up for themselves. she takes advantage of them for things and money and literally anything she wants, she takes and takes and is not even a LITTLE grateful or pleasant about it. she says the most cruel things to them when she feels she isnt getting her way, even yelling and putting her hands on my grandmother. they almost got in a car crash last month because my grandma was driving and being hit by her, so she was too distracted and almost didnt stop in time when a car suddenly went infront of them.
im upset because i think my grandma deserves to have a good rest of her life, shes 70 years old so she wont have a super long time left, but she has to walk on eggshells in her own home !! she was telling me about doing things like hiding away her dinner in the middle of eating it, because she knew she would be yelled at for not getting her anything. she has a dream trip booked for later this year, and told me she doesn’t even want to go because shes worried about what might happen if her and my grandpa get into a fight without being there to try and de-escalate. shes 70!!!! :(
its just a very sad situation because they’ll never do anything about it. everyone has told them to cut her off for years and years and years, friends and family. you cant even try and get her into trouble legally , because you know my grandparents will end up paying for her / supporting her to get out of it anyway. any repercussion that she faces will just fall back onto them. oftentimes i wish that she would just (you know.) so my grandparents and everyone else can live happily