u/Big-Experience5974

Been cheated on my entire 8 year relationship, and know I need to leave, but the idea that all men cheat makes me hesitate. My mind starts to think “ok I will be alone for the rest of my life or have to tolerate cheating, so maybe I’ll stay”. I know it isn’t rational but the thought is heavy. Every time I open up instagram, I’m flood with reels of women saying “all men cheat so just use them for money” and stuff along those lines. Though I feel if I myself as a woman can be loyal and resist, then maybe a man can?

I’ve had many opportunities to be a piece of shit. I’m a conventionally attractive woman and get lots of DMs from men on IG, went on a weekend trip to NYC with my cousin and had multiple men at bars flirting with me, have multiple opportunities online in many ways, but I always cut it off, said I had a bf, or simply didn’t put myself in vulnerable situations. It has never been hard for me to stay loyal, and the idea of sleeping with another man while in a relationship seems so unfair not only to my partner but also to the person being used to cheat. Also, I don’t understand how they have the energy to be talking to all of the other people when relationships themselves are exhausting work.

My cousin and I go on this virtual chat world website and I kept loyal on there every time also, would just chat with my cousin, play games, and troll people. Even yelled at a few men on there blatantly cheating on their spouses. And idk if this is wrong, but since I’ve made the decision to leave my cheating partner, I decided to go on that chat to see what it feels like to flirt with other men. It was so uncomfortable and I didn’t get a thrill out of it. I just don’t understand why cheaters will throw everything away and then cry about it and beg for you back.

But I’m just looking for hope because I’m starting to get scared I’ll never find the love I deserve.

I (28f) went through his (32m) phone the other night and found sex chatrooms, online escorts, celebrities asses, random women’s selfies, a whole secret online sexual relationship that lasted AT LEAST 8 months, videos of other men jerking off to my selfies and our intimate videos, ai porn with my face, and a secure folder where I don’t even want to know what’s in there at this point. He has a group chat with his brothers where they send each other women and the group chat photo is a naked girl with her legs spread, they are also in relationships.

He swears he won’t ever do it again and said he only did it bc he didn’t think I loved him. He also claimed that he didn’t jerk off to anything and just saved it for no reason… yeah OK. Lied that he only talked to this woman when I was away but had selfies saved with time stamps of when we were together, claimed he didn’t talk to her but saved her photos when we were together OK. I knew something was off because the sex got sooo boring, it was very rare that we had sex and I was no longer getting turned on passionately. He would take longer to finish and very little would come out. I was constantly being told I didn’t give him enough sex and didn’t send enough nudes or sext him even though we live together and have every opportunity to do it in person. No interest in fulfilling my desires either.

Found viagra in the cabinet that was ordered while I was away visiting family, 2 pills missing. He claimed it came free with a podcast order and they forgot to put the two pills in the bottle before shipping. This was 2 years ago. It got to the point where I thought he was a guy that just didn’t have a huge sex drive and it made me happy knowing that not all men need constant sex. Little did I know he was actively getting it elsewhere while I was starved of sexual interaction. He was constantly putting me down as if I were asexual and boring as hell but he literally will never initiate anything except right before bed when I’m already too tired and it’s the same boring position. I knew something was off when I would come out of the shower naked and he wouldn’t bother to look up from his phone. I feel so beyond used.

I have to leave him but it’s going to be hard. He used the classic excuse of “I didn’t do anything in person” but I can’t even believe that. Regardless it’s fucked up. I’m starting to believe that the only way a woman can coexist with a man is to accept that they need multiple women to fulfill their desires. To accept that all men have a secret life in their phones. Unfortunately I get it, there’s such a thrill and a good feeling about going online and doing all of these taboo things, and men can have women do literally ANYTHING and be their toy. I feel like they separate sex from their relationships like they want a family and a house and kids, but their online sex life is just like going to play golf, it doesn’t mean anything besides being a hobby that makes them feel good. On the other hand I have so much resentment for these SW who are destroying family systems, but I also get why they do it.

I’m trying to wrap my head around it all. The pain and trauma from this has me wanting to go online and check out all of those things to feel some sort of in control. I feel like the only way relationships are going to last with the convenience of online porn is if women just accept it and do it themselves or join their partners with it. It’s growing increasingly common these days for men to have secret lives online. I’m at the point where I don’t even want to deal with men anymore with expectations of love, honesty, and loyalty. Does that even exist when the online temptations are so strong? I feel like my reality has been turned upside down.

I’ve made a few posts here. Basically he’s been abusive in all aspects but hasn’t put hands on me. Just found out two days ago that he had ai videos with my face, a secret online gf, videos of men whacking off to my face and our intimate videos, celebrity ass photos, online escorts, sex chat rooms, and god knows what else bc there was a locked folder and I only looked through his Google Drive. I’m sick to my stomach, truly. I can’t eat, I feel nauseous, all I want to do is cry and sleep but I can’t sleep through the night. I feel so physically weak like I’ve been hit by a bus. My friends are telling me to make an exit plan but I don’t have the energy. He knows I have found all of this and is trying to coerce me into staying with him. I don’t know how the hell he thinks another chance is even a possibility and I don’t know why he cares when he can talk to women on his phone. All of a sudden I’m the “only one” he ever has wanted.

I can afford to leave financially. I’ve looked at apartments in my area and they’re reasonable but idek what is happening. I could take control, have the talk and plan to leave but how do I know he’s not going to go crazy on me? I could try and kick him out but again, how do I know he won’t go crazy? Friends are telling me to leave without him knowing one day but that sounds so cruel and evil. I’ve never felt more stuck in my life. We’re supposed to leave for our annual vacation with his mom this weekend and idek what to do about that bc if I back out he’ll get pissed off bc then he has to deal with his mom questioning him, but if I go I’ll have to pretend to be happy and possibly fall back deeper into the trauma bond and push all of my emotions down to keep things afloat.

He had his phone open on the bed after falling asleep and usually does. I never go through it or try bc he usually wakes up and I don’t want to invade privacy but I did it. Hundreds of videos of men jerking off to my selfies, AI pictures and videos of me with a different body, hundreds of photos of me that I didn’t even know he took, tons of photos of a Latina girl (I mention Latina bc for some reason I’ve been thinking he’s into Latina women, guess it was my intuition), along with snapchats with this woman and some other women throughout. Live cam website pinned to his homepage, and a secure folder that’s locked. Took photos of everything so I can’t be gaslit.

He’s told me:

“I don’t even use my secure folder”
“I don’t like Latina women”
“I would never send your nudes to other men or pretend to be you” he was…
“I bought you the white dildo idk why they sent black” I just questioned it bc it made me think he had some sort of fetish with black men…. I was right

Among other stuff that turned out to be true. I’m fucking impressed at the lengths my body has gone to reveal shit to me subconsciously. Relieved that my anxiety wasn’t just me going insane, in shock bc now what? We have a flight booked next week. I just started my garden here at home and bought stuff for it… like what the hell man. I prayed this morning to the universe and made a wish on one of those dandelions out of desperation and that shit worked….

Everything is unfolding and I’m so fucking grateful to have found all of this, but what do I do with this information now. Last time he cheated, I blew up on him immediately and stayed. I don’t want to handle it that way again. My heart meds are working overtime tonight.

Also, any advice on what I should do? Not sure confronting him will be the safest idea. We have pets together and live in a rental unit (no lease). I’m distraught because I don’t want to lose our cat and he’s already tried claiming him. My beloved garden is going to be abandoned if I leave, my other very anxious cat will be stressed from the move, idk if I should move back home or stay in our new state. We have a paid vacation planned with his family for this coming week, like what am I supposed to do? I need to leave. My body is breaking down with heart and stomach problems from him. And my heart is yelling stay while everything else is screaming to leave

My bf of 8 years has cheated with so many women online and god knows what he’s done in person (hopefully nothing). The relationship is also abusive and I know I need to leave at some point. I feel useless to men besides being a hot vessel for them to abuse. Was sexually abused by my married grandfather as a child, saw my dad cheat on my mom with women online constantly as a child, and my two long term relationships consisted of me being cheated on multiple times with women online and in person. I don’t think I’ll ever trust a man again and if I leave my current bf, I seriously think I’ll either be single forever or fall in love with another cheater if I become delusional enough again.

I just found out men can literally go on only fans and get personal videos and chat one on one with women and I’m sick to my stomach knowing my bf could possibly be doing this. He order viagra two years ago and took some while I was away visiting family and denied it all claiming it came free with something he ordered and it must’ve arrived with pills missing… like cmon. I don’t want to live in a world where men are like this. I’m highly considering opening my relationship at this point and I have thoughts creep in about cheating on him so he gets a taste of his own medicine, but I can’t bring myself to do it bc it’s against my values. I also don’t understand how people feel comfortable with cheating? Isn’t it fucking weird to talk to another woman knowing you’re in a relationship? Doesn’t it feel like a disservice to the woman you’re cheating WITH?

I’m just so disgusted and angry with the world. Also, I get it’s not the fault of the women on only fans bc married men shouldn’t be on that shit, but it’s disgusting that these women actively preform all day for men they know are married. Do they not feel guilty? Ugh I’m just so tired and have become a shell of a human since getting into this relationship.