I'll never be the same. I can barely even remember who I was before it, and now everything is the exact same yet so different and a part of me has been permanently vanquished. I wish I wasn't like this and I was just like everyone else.
Did i really go through all that I went through or is it not enough to be valid if no one sees it or ever tries to help me i feel like im just lying to myself and all the shit ive been through isnt even real.
Hello everyone. As we know, enneagram 4s in general are very hated, however for specific instincts (although a lot are hated, I'm focusing on my typology.
I am so/sx 4w5 469 infp. These are the ones I am 100% I'm not mistyped on, the only mistype I had was 458 instead of 469.
I as an so4, only do the 'victimising self in arguments only with my mother, whom I have never had a good relationship with. In social scenarios, if I'm pissed off rarely do I lash out and cause a massive issue (happened a few times, for no particular reason but I feel immense shame and self-hate after I've calmed down), but usually I'll just withdraw and not talk unless pushed.
I feel like people frame so4 as inherently attention-seeking, and while I do agree I sort of do ask for attention, it's almost never loud. The only time I act like the stereotype of an 'attentionseeking victimising so4' is when I start arguements on purpose, just so I can get attention and argue, which is always with my mother and always after I've had a bad day and just want to start something. Never do I do this with people in my social life such as 'friends', or etc, in fact if its with someone I really love, say my best frined, I get just more shy and awkward.
The way people see 4's in general is actually a bit disheartening I feel super self consious if I ever have to say I'm a 4, because I can appear as so many different things and fit into many 'stereotypes' but as soon as someone sees me acting 'normal' and 'happy' in social interactions and I suddenly have a mood thing and completely stop talking or if I lash out and cause a problem once, it never leaves anyones mind. I know I am definitley an so4 because of many things, however I do also fit into the stereotype of always hating, degrading, and loathing myself and everything I do, how isolated I am, how lonely I am, and why I am inherently wrong. Just because I'm not constantly crying around and begging people to love me doesn't mean I'm not so4, itj ust presents differently depending on who a person is, plus a part of being so4 is literally hiding yourself + wanting to be seen combo.
Furthermore, I honestly wish I wasn't a 4. Not only do I hate myself but everyone else in this community and typology as a whole hate so4, infps, reactives and withdrawns, etc. I do think I have good qualities such as creativity and stuff but I'll never truly be happy with who I am and I feel like everything just amplifies it.