u/Aromatic_Mouse88

Yet another post about dating a cancer man (I’m an aqua girl), sorry guys 🫠

I’m trying to make sense of a situation and I’m really struggling with it. We met online about a year ago and it felt like meeting a male version of myself (we’re both in our late 30s). We connected deeply right away and fell for each other quite fast. We live on different continents, but we made plans to meet last summer. He made me feel very seen, loved, and appreciated. I never had to guess where I stood with him.

But there were also a lot of challenges from the start. He has serious abandonment and trust issues, along with very serious ongoing health problems that often affected his mood and made him angry at times. I have my own history with abandonment and trust issues, so I understood where he was coming from and tried to be patient and consistent.

Over time though, things became more difficult. He started needing constant reassurance, if I went anywhere, I had to send photos and keep messaging him. But when he went out, he wouldn’t do the same. He’d say he had bad reception or just wouldn’t respond for hours. He didn’t go out often, but even short periods of no contact on my end would trigger arguments. I started feeling resentful because I was expected to be constantly available, while he wasn’t.

We began arguing more, and our plans to meet kept getting pushed back. He also didn’t take steps toward getting a passport and often had excuses. I know his health played a role, but I also started questioning whether he truly wanted to make it happen the way he said he did.

This weekend, things escalated again. He went to see a friend and I didn’t hear from him for about 6 hours. I called and messaged several times, but got no response. When he finally replied, he turned it around on me and said I was in the wrong.

He also referenced a message I sent in frustration—that I would wear whatever I wanted because he doesn’t answer me for hours and doesn’t get a say in what I do—which he interpreted as me being “threatening” and wanting attention from other men.

Then he said he “knows what I’ve done” and wished me luck dealing with my “karma.” I have never cheated or done anything inappropriate with anyone.

I’m really confused by the shift and the way things were reframed. He seemed so invested despite our arguments but the last few months it seemed like he didn’t truly care when he hurt me.

I recognize immature and unhealthy dynamics on both sides, but I’m struggling to understand how it got to this point so fast and why he’s acting like this. Any insights?

He controls everything I do, wear and say — he wants to know where I am at all times, asks for pictures while I’m at work, and even questioned whether I actually went to my grandfather’s funeral. I constantly feel like I have to prove myself just to avoid conflict. Tonight, he went out without telling me where he was going and he’s ignoring my calls completely. The double standard hurts. I’m sitting here angry, bitter, and disappointed in myself for how much I’ve bent over backwards just to keep the peace. Part of me wishes I could block him and erase him from my life entirely.

I spent the last six months reselling clothes, shoes, bags, coats, and accessories. I was proud of myself—like I finally understood my habits, my needs, and why I shopped the way I did. I cleared out so much and made around 4K, and it felt incredible to let go of things I never used. For a while, my home felt lighter and calmer, like I’d reset something in myself.

But now I’m realizing I’ve filled that space again. Different items, same pattern. And it’s overwhelming. The relief I felt is now replaced by guilt and I’m drowning in things all over again. After all that time and effort, ending up back here feels heavy, and the guilt is so hard to ignore. What’s worse is looking at these things I once thought would make me happy or fill some kind of gap—and instead of comfort, they just remind me of that cycle. It makes me resent them, and honestly, it makes me question myself too. Instead of paying off my debt I just restarted the cycle.

I am so confused by my whole situation…. We met randomly on social media a bit over a year ago. The plan was that he would come visit me first. There have been many obstacles (some I know are legit and other pure laziness) but matter of fact is that he still hasn’t applied for a passport. He’s very invested - we talk a lot, our families know about each other, I’ve met his kid over face time. There’s so much future talk but I can feel I’m pulling away because I don’t see him actually doing anything actively for us to see each other. Do I need a reality check? I don’t know if I’m going to end up hurt by someone who maybe just doesn’t take it seriously