u/Areola-chan

Today morning I had a dream. It's bizarre as every other dream of mine is. I don't remember much but there was a guy that I have never met in real life. He was the amalgamation of many people I know in real life. He was very sweet and too excited for some reasons.

There was this moment where I was sitting on his lap? Or he pulled me on his lap and hugged from behind. It may seem weird now that I'm typing but it was genuinely very platonic. The feeling of being hugged felt just nice. It felt like being engulfed by a big soft plushie.

When I woke up, this got me thinking how lonely I have been my whole life. My parents neglected me as a kid and I used to think of it as freedom. While other girls were controlled, I was completely let go of. My parents even encouraged me to seek job and move out.

To the point I used to wish if my mom was more controlling, it would mean she cared about me.

Anyways my parents were not horrible or abusive. But their love was non-existent. It was like living with strangers at all times. I have no sad or happy memories from my childhood.

Similarly in school..in college..in work life. I talk to everyone but hardly anyone knows me or remembers me. I'm just forgetful. I exist in the background. I am nobody's favourite but everyone's go-to if they need help. I may or may not always help. I'm not a people's pleaser. Sometimes I wish I was. Maybe I would have had a few friends.

When my ex manager hugged me on my last day of office, I was like "damn that felt good". I cried because while they were toxic, they were the only group of people I partied with for the first time.

Last year I had a friend who I thought would become my best friend. But she also left. But I miss her hugs and her smiles.

I am always there. Always in parties, in workshops, in webinars, in office talks, in groups, in f2f with someone, I am always doing something yet this feeling of being unimportant and loneliness never goes away.

People think women are always surrounded by attention and they probably never feel lonely. They forget about women like me who exist in the background. Who aren't even seen as women sometimes.

This is not a pity party. I feel better by just typing that I feel so lonely that a dream boy hugging me felt so good. It's just pathetic but it's also liberating for some reason?

FYI it's not like I put on some dress and I went "omg I look so fat in it!" To fish for compliments. It's rather the opposite.

I look average/skinny depending on who's looking (because people have different perceptions of what is fat) and what am I wearing.

And I'm medically, metabolically obese. I had my scans done, dietian also told me the same. It's called sarcopenic obesity.

So I'm working out, doing resistance training and eating more protein.. whenever I talk with other fitness enthusiasts they get really offended for some reason whenever I say "oh yeah as an obese person, I do this and that...."

I don't feel shame in being fat or admitting that I'm fat. I just don't think I need to hate myself in order to change myself. I don't wanna remain fat for many reasons. At the same time I don't hate that I became fat. Things happened. I was uneducated. Now I am not. End of the story.

And people just get so pissed off, it's funny. Some tell me I am not fat when I'm saying that's what my report says LMAO. Some just straight up feel uncomfortable that I'm ok with being fat. That I'm not beating myself over. Some try to make me feel bad by telling how fit they are and I didn't even realise what they were doing until 3 days later I'd be like "oh shit they were flexing on me".

Oh I also had people try to overfeed me because to them I look "fine" and I should just poison myself with carb slops.

I'm 147 cm (4'10ish) and 45 kg (roughly around 97-101 lbs fluctuations)

And I had a DEXA scan done which showed I had 42% of body fat at 25 years old. Luckily my organs are well protected and muscle mass was just barely below minimum threshold but I need to build muscles which I always avoid. 42% was a very scary number.

I'm not skinny but I appear "average" to others. I'm Asian so in our country I am probably chubby or morbidly obese depending on who looks. That's not the point.

Point is even when I clearly mention my weight, height, my bf % people still think I'm lying like how can I be fat at 45 kg?

It feels so frustrating. I don't want to post my pics to prove it because I fear negative comments but if anyone had the slightest knowledge about bodies, they'd know I'm medically obese!!

And I'm not talking about the general population. It happened in the fitness community. Petite doesn't naturally mean skinny. It just means smaller.

Yesterday, I did some basic resistance training but afterwards I started feeling terrible like I felt like puking, I felt tired and I didn't understand why. I clearly mentioned in the post what exercises I did, how many sets and how frequently I work out etc. I mentioned that I didn't do anything too difficult.

You know what mistake I made?

I accidentally posted in a general female fitness sub (I'm a woman) when I was supposed to post it in a petite fitness sub.

I made the mistake of mentioning that I was 147 cm and 45 kg.

That's it.

They started to tell me "EAT MORE". Literally yelling at me to eat. Apparently such "small" body needs more fuel.

Someone even said I'm having a heart attack apparently.

Turns out I just had a gas problem and after I burped I felt better. When I replied the same to someone, they downvoted me. For just saying "thanks it makes sense. I burped and had a protein shake. Now I'm feeling much better"

Y'all...for people who work out regularly, they don't how body works at all, do they? Smaller bodies require less fuel and it's not like I was starving myself. I just work out in the morning with an empty stomach as a habit.

And I'm also not some skinny girl. I'm just average build. You can even check my BMI.

But they thought I was "flexing" my weight when I literally just wanted to provide more context about me.

I'm 147cm, 45kg.

I did a few reps of calf raises, glute bridges, squats and reverse lunges. Took enough time in between to properly breathe and allow myself to relax.

It's morning. I haven't eaten anything. Drank water in between the sets.

But I feel so beyond tired. Puking even. It's not even like I did some heavy exercises.

I have noticed that while mindfulness has some definitions or how to do it, most people have their own variants to it.

So I'm curious, what is mindfulness for you? What are the processes that you do? From start to end. How do you sit, where, or do you even sit at all? Is it an informal mindfulness? Or is it a "proper" one? Do you use the leaves passing by the river analogy for your thoughts or are you more creative?

I have a very healthy menstruation cycle. Happens exactly on the 28th day. No mood swings. No heavy flow. Never missed a single period in my life. My skin stays clear. Periods Lasts 3 days at most and that's all.

I do have period poops at times but that's also manageable.

However...

However on the first day..some months it will pain so much that I feel like screaming out loud. I manage it by walking, doing light strength training or laying down with a hot water bottle. I cannot sit. I would rather die. The pelvic area or butt side hurts like a bitch. Toes curl in pain. It feels like someone is ripping me open from the inside.

It only happens on the first day or second day at most if I'm unlucky. Sometimes it takes only walking and a hot water bottle to fix it so I don't think much. If I'm busy and moving around, pain is not noticeable.

But when it's a really bad cramp, whenever I stand up after peeing, it's SO BAD. The lower abdomen area hurts and right above the butt area/lower back hurts so much and it'll last an hour.

By the second day I'm completely alright most of the time. By the third day I'm doing intense cardio. So I don't understand.

Currently I'm going through this horrible pain after peeing. It has disappeared by now but the pain spiked every time I finished peeing.

I have no UTI fyi. I know because I have had UTIs and my urethra is completely fine. I drink enough water. Maintain my hygiene etc.

I have a very healthy menstruation cycle. Happens exactly on the 28th day. No mood swings. No heavy flow. Never missed a single period in my life. My skin stays clear. Periods Lasts 3 days at most and that's all.

I do have period poops at times but that's also manageable.

However...

However on the first day..some months it will pain so much that I feel like screaming out loud. I manage it by walking, doing light strength training or laying down with a hot water bottle. I cannot sit. I would rather die. The pelvic area or butt side hurts like a bitch. Toes curl in pain. It feels like someone is ripping me open from the inside.

It only happens on the first day or second day at most if I'm unlucky. Sometimes it takes only walking and a hot water bottle to fix it so I don't think much. In two hours I'm completely good to be.

And when it's a bad cramp, if I pee, I may actually die in pain. The lower abdomen area hurts so much and it'll last an hour.

By the second day I'm completely alright most of the time. By the third day I'm doing intense cardio.

So I'm wondering is it normal or is something wrong? If I go to a doctor will they dismiss me because I don't have any issues other than this?

Drinking enough water and sleeping 7-8 hours is freaking worth it.

I cannot tell you how much it sucks to have kidney stones and an annoying UTI. Not having to deal with that anymore and seeing pale yellow pee is absolutely worthy.

And because I have been drinking adequately for several years, I can actually tell the effects in my body when I don't. I feel much tired, my body feels like contracting, body feels hotter, skin looks drier. It's insane once you start noticing these small things.

Similarly for sleeping 7 hours. I can feel how stress-less I am when I wake up. And I'm generally a very anxious person. The amount of stress I have at work should have ended me by now but it's the small habits that I do that kept me sane and sleeping enough is one of them.

The state of being stress free is very telling. The mind feels free, empty and liberated in every sense. I feel energetic in the morning and not lazy, not tired, not upset. I haven't felt that in a year and I really don't want it..ever.

It was never easy for me though. I went to therapy just to fix my sleep schedule and it worked. Here I am 1.5 years later. SO WORTH IT PEOPLE.

Please tell me what else has worked for you?

Something so basic but actually works. Something that people advise often for good and it's OBVIOUS but people still don't do it.

Not from the urethra, not the UTI kind but wherever you feel your period cramps the most. Lower abdomen area,entire pelvic region or thighs or feet.

I'm getting this infuriating amount of pain after peeing. Sure I drank a lot of water so the bladder is completely empty but I don't understand why there's a sudden spike in pain in my cramps that was somewhat tolerable before peeing

Just here to talk.

I terminated my sessions with my therapist due to compatibility issues and I feel really sad. She helped me quite a lot. She felt like a genuine person who truly wanted to help. She would remember things about me and we would sometimes chat about random things.

She helped me open up. I was cold, not keen on sharing emotional parts but she made me feel safe to be vulnerable.

I'll really miss her.

At the same time, the therapy was progressing extremely slowly. Post sessions I often felt helpless and hopeless. I felt scared and I saw the world dark and dull. There were many compatibility issues that I tried communicating but in the end I realised it's better to seek somewhere else.

Is it normal to feel so upset? I saw her for a year weekly and now it's ending.

While researching a completely different topic and arranging the data in AI..I came across something that's extremely creepy on reddit.

So turns out hiding your profile, comments, posts etc is not helpful at all as it can be searched easily through Google and AI can access that too.

The creepy part is, previously one had to do the OSINT themselves (an "ethical" way of finding information about a person by looking at all of their comments, posts etc on social media and gathering information) but now one can just type your user name and tell AI to find every info about you.

So if you have ever mentioned your name, your location, your family members, have similar usernames across platforms, your pet name, your photos you have uploaded and think it's safe since it's hidden (it's not, AI can pull that out) ..be careful.

You may think you have never shared your exact location or name but it could look like this :

1. You mentioned somewhere which city you live in or you commented on a subreddit of your city.

2. In another comment you have "implied" that you live very near your office in a completely different context to someone.

3. Somewhere else you said you worked in WITCH company and earned well.

4. In a different thread you have complained about your company cognizant when someone asked for reviews.

You didn't think someone would read 10k comments of yours to find that info or since your profile is hidden, they can't find it but they can.

But now they have information that "you live in Chennai, work in cognizant and live very near the office area"

Some subreddits also require you to give some info like your age, your job role/region etc and you have it as your flair. So careful about that.

Also, if you have posted "it's my birthday today". On your actual birthday, think twice. They have your entire birthdate details easily. Using these methods one can make accurate guesses to hack into your accounts too.

Also this is a very simplified example. It realistically looks worse.

Edit : I didn't understand the downvotes at first and then I went on a rabbit hole about IFS. Yikes. 😬 I am gonna stop seeing her.

---

Hi guys, thanks for the help last time regarding if I should continue seeking my therapist or not. I have some sense of directions now.

So for the last few months we talked about internal family system as I seem to have a problem with my emotions/different parts not communicating with each other. That was the main goal of why we started.

I was able to quickly differentiate different parts of me, where was the need of those parts coming from, how old were those parts etc. I struggled with negotiation between the parts.

However in the last session, I was able to visualise the different systems within me very vividly. I imagined a theatre play with few dominant parts on the stage at all time while different other parts from the audience come over and take the spotlight for some time.

It helped massively in finding a way to negotiate with myself.

But now I'm worried because I'm visualising it too much. I imagine this part of me is like an old man in a guard uniform (the hyperindependency part) or a vulnerable part is a young sweet woman, slightly scared. Less about the visualization, more so about how good I got at labelling or identifying the parts.

The whole idea of IFS is to connect yourself, connect your different parts. But I'm worried that it'd rather create fragmentations. I mean it doesn't work like that right? When I try to soothe myself now, I talk to myself in second person and I am losing the sense of who I am truly here. Am I the observer? Am I the outlier in my own body?

I'll bring that up to my therapist but do you guys think I should stop visualising myself and my parts like this? Is it scary? Is it common? Any thoughts? Any insights?

So something has been happening in my area. I live in t1 city and after moving to this new place within city, no amazon delivery is getting delivered.

As in..

I order something. It shows confirmed. It shows shipped. It shows on the road. Then it reaches the amazon warehouse and then it shows it's being refunded immediately after reaching the warehouse.

First time it happened, it was an electronic device so I thought it got broken and they're returning.

But this happened again.

I forgot about it and didn't order from Amazon again.

But I needed something urgently on 8th April for a function the next day. I pre-paid. Same issue. Refund initiated immediately.

And I didn't get back 20 rs that they cut as market fee even though I NEVER ASKED FOR REFUND. It has happened for every pre paid order. Later on, I tried ordering COD just to check. Same issue. "Undeliverable" or "refund issued"

So I complained. Many times. No issue was solved.

Until today. There's one headphone that I needed which was unable or oos from other sites. Something that's actually important for me medically. (I'm HoH)

And it was again refunded! So I ordered from my friend's account. SAME thing. I got a call for 8 sec then it cut then after a min it says "we tried reaching you and we couldn't connect you so delivery will be attempted 2 hours later".

And after complaining again, it was delivered just now.

With a broken package. But the product inside was sealed.

And the delivery driver started abusing me and yelling at me over the call and in person when I went to pick it up. He was like "I'm getting yelled at from the higher ups". Like it's my fault.

He knows where I live and I'm just scared. I want to complain about his behaviour again but I'm refraining due to my safety.

Anybody knows if it's a scam thing they're doing? Why is it happening with me?

So something has been happening in my area. I live in t1 city and after moving to this new place within city, no amazon delivery is getting delivered.

As in..

I order something. It shows confirmed. It shows shipped. It shows on the road. Then it reaches the amazon warehouse and then it shows it's being refunded immediately after reaching the warehouse.

First time it happened, it was an electronic device so I thought it got broken and they're returning.

But this happened again.

I forgot about it and didn't order from Amazon again.

But I needed something urgently on 8th April for a function the next day. I pre-paid. Same issue. Refund initiated immediately.

And I didn't get back 20 rs that they cut as market fee even though I NEVER ASKED FOR REFUND.

So I complained. Many times. No issue was solved.

I had multiple orders. Some beauty and fashion products, some electronics.

Until today. There's one headphone that I needed which was unable or oos from other sites. Something that's actually important for me medically. (I'm HoH)

And it was again refunded! So I ordered from my friend's account. SAME thing. I got a call for 8 sec then it cut then after a min it says "we tried reaching you and we couldn't connect you so delivery will be attempted 2 hours later".

And after complaining again, it was delivered just now.

With a broken package. But the product inside was sealed.

And the delivery driver started abusing me and yelling at me over the call and in person when I went to pick it up. He was like "I'm getting yelled at from the higher ups". Like it's my fault.

He knows where I live and I'm just scared. I want to complain about his behaviour again but I'm refraining due to my safety.

Anybody knows if it's a scam thing they're doing? Why is it happening with me?

I don't date. So I don't know shit. But I often meet up with people over shared interests, activities etc so it's not like I don't know how socializing works. Though I've never met guys off social media apps or dating apps.

And one thing I just noticed is that they are not making plans. They don't take conversations seriously. (Just wanna add when I say not taking conversation seriously I mean, it's not really going anywhere or making plans. Not like they're boring)

I have suggested too. I am very indecisive so I asked where can we go ? And from there nothing is happening.

It's not one guy, it's all of them. Like every single one of them. Nobody wants to make a plan. They just chat on bumble, good stuff but that's all. I ask them and they don't know either. Some wouldn't even bring it up.

And I feel really manly having to ask all the time. Even then I'm not getting a clear reply.

If you aren't interested in meeting then why match? It's all my bio too. I'm looking to meet IRL. It's getting very frustrating. Can any men provide insights on what could be the issue?

Please, if you are going to say anything like "if you're homeless, just buy a house", don't comment.

Therapy is not covered by insurance in my country. It's 8% of my total salary, the second highest expense after rent.

I can't switch therapist rn, I have already tried negotiating but it can be done no further. I had a job switch and earning better, so I can't just switch now again because for a career perspective, it's not a wise decision. The company doesn't allow me to freelance.

My therapist is okay. We are going deep into topics and I don't want to distrupt the flow yet. And I have this problem of seeing therapy money as "wastes". Because she's so fucking slow and passive even if it's somewhat working. I just don't have so much money to switch therapist and take a huge risk right now.

So much happened in my life from 20-25. I just can't describe it to someone. It wasn't a steady growth but a huge exponential growth I had and so many things happened that it feels like I have lived a very long time.

Maybe I get bored easily. It's like I have achieved most of what I wanted in my early 20s. I just have to keep grinding now. It's not like I have enough money, a car or a house. But it still feels like I've done everything I wanted and I just feel old and bored.