u/Any_Patience5971

I (21F) have been with my boyfriend (22M) for almost 4 years, and overall we actually have very similar views when it comes to clothing. He’s never had a problem with me wearing short, tight, revealing, low-cut, or generally attractive outfits as long as they look tasteful. He usually compliments me, supports me, and has never been the type to criticize what I normally wear.

The only real issue has ever been a few specific things that he personally saw as “too much.”

A couple of years ago, there was one particular style he really disliked, those very short pleated “high school/anime” style skirts, especially plaid ones. To him, they felt overly sexualized. Sometimes he’d phrase it badly and say things like “you’re not wearing that,” which definitely annoyed me, but when we actually talked about it, his point was more that he personally wouldn’t want to date someone who dressed like that regularly, not that he was literally forbidding me. If I truly wanted to buy one, he wouldn’t physically stop me, but he was honest that he didn’t like it.

At the time, I didn’t buy that style, partly because I knew it bothered him, but also because I wasn’t even deeply attached to it in the first place. It wasn’t some huge sacrifice, and honestly I probably wouldn’t have worn it much anyway. It was more the idea of “why does this specific thing bother you so much?” that got under my skin.

He also had similar feelings about trends like visible lace bras, bralettes, or lingerie-style outfits being worn as full outfits. His view was basically that some things just feel too intimate to him, even if they can look fashionable. I actually understood where he was coming from, even if I didn’t always fully agree.

Recently, we’ve had a lot more mature conversations about clothing, sexualization, insecurities, and social context, and through those talks he’s actually changed a lot of his harsher opinions. He now pretty much doesn’t care about those skirts as long as they cover what they should, aren’t extremely revealing, and are styled in a normal way rather than something overtly provocative. He’s even admitted that some of his earlier reactions came from his own insecurities.

At this point, his stance is more that he respects my choices, but everyone has personal dealbreakers, and if I suddenly started dressing in a way he found extremely vulgar all the time, we probably just wouldn’t be compatible. Honestly, that doesn’t feel outrageous to me. I feel like everyone has certain boundaries or preferences in relationships, and I’d expect the same right for myself.

The problem is that when I explained all this to one of my friends (who has never actually been in a relationship), she told me I was basically being manipulated and controlled. Her argument is that the fact I ever took his opinion into account at all means he was controlling me, even though he never forced me, never controlled my normal wardrobe, and this was only ever about a few specific styles.

She thinks he has no right to comment on my clothing whatsoever, and that by adjusting anything because of his feelings, I was automatically “controlled.” She brings this up constantly, and now I’m questioning myself.

Am I overreacting for feeling like my friend is making this into something way more toxic than it actually is or maybe it is that toxic?

Pričala sam drugarici o vezi i sad sam krenula da overthinkujem pa me zanima objektivno mišljenje ljudi koji su bili u dugim vezama.

U vezi sam preko 4 godine(sada imam 21) i moj dečko i ja imamo baš različite načine pokazivanja ljubavi. Ja sam mnogo više verbalna osoba, volim nežne reči, duge poruke, nadimke, romantiku i generalno bih najradije svaki slobodan trenutak provodila zajedno. On je dosta drugačiji, voli svoje vreme za sebe, nije prirodno romantičan na taj “filmski” način i ne ume baš da sroči emocije u neke male slatke poruke iako znam da ih oseća.

Međutim, kroz dela stvarno pokazuje ljubav. Student je, radi pored faksa i nema neke ogromne prihode, ali skoro nikad ne da da ja nešto platim(ni izlete, ni dejtove, ni večere). Pamti sitnice koje volim, trudi se oko mene i stvarno nikad pored njega nisam osećala neku ogromnu težinu života. Ja sam mu, na primer, rekla da meni znače sitni romantični gestovi poput cveća, nadimaka i slično. Ne kupuje mi cveće stalno jer realno ne može finansijski da nosi sve na svojim leđima(da sve plaća ovako i da mi na sve to svakih 7 dana uzima cveće), ali ume za važnije datume ili čak da napravi nešto svoje (jednom mi je napravio buket od papira). Takođe sam mu rekla da bih volela da češće koristimo nadimke poput “ljubavi”, “srećo” itd. jer ih volim, iako ni njemu ni meni to ranije nije bilo prirodno nego nam je čak bilo i krindž. Sad se baš vidi da se trudi da ih ubacuje mnogo češće nego ranije, ranije smo pričali 3-4 puta mesečno iako svakodnevno kažemo "volim te".

Isto tako nije osoba koja će svaki dan da piše ogromne ljubavne poruke iako zna da ja to volim, ali mi je za rođendan napisao jednu baš veliku i iskrenu poruku gde je na svoj način rekao koliko me voli i koliko mu značim.

Međutim, kad sam ovo pričala drugarici, ona je bila u fazonu da “ako moraš da mu kažeš šta voliš onda to nije iskreno”, da bi prava osoba sama znala sve to i da ako mu romantika nije prirodna onda se on zapravo “tera”. Meni je nekako normalno da ljudi imaju različite jezike ljubavi i da je bitno da se partner trudi, ali od tog razgovora sa drugaricom krenula sam da razmišljam o tome šta od toga bih volela više(naročito spontanih izjava ljubavi kao što smo imali na početku veze dok smo bili razdvojeni zbog njegovog faksa, a sada se to smanjilo) i kako ja to često provlačim kroz priču i sad se zbog nje malo osećam kao da ja nešto silim, a da mi negde to nije dovoljno(još na sve to imam problem sa anksioznom vezanošću). Neki savet?

I (21F) have been with my boyfriend (22M) for 4 years and overall our relationship is genuinely healthy. He’s always been supportive of how I dress and has never been the type to shame me or constantly tell me to cover up. I wear short skirts, crop tops, revealing outfits sometimes, and he usually either compliments me and hype me up.

The thing is, we naturally have VERY similar boundaries about what counts as “too much.” Every outfit he’s ever said would be “too far” is something I already personally considered too much for myself anyway.

For example, I’ve worn super short skirt-shorts before, but with shorts underneath. He had no issue with that. His thing is more like if something is SO short that there’s a real chance of my ass showing while walking, stairs, wind, bending over etc., then to him it crosses a line. Honestly, I agree with that too.

At one point there was a specific style of skirt he disliked, those very short pleated “high school anime-style” skirts. He said that specific style felt overly sexualized to him(in our enviroment that's usual about that skirt) and it attracts a lot of attention especially super short ones. At the time I kind of agreed, I liked them on others and didn't really cared so I respected his discomfort about them and never actually bought them. I like to ask him for his opinion and always considered it, mostly because we agreed. I provocated him with sending it to him saying I want to buy it and he would tell me "unfortunately, you won't" etc. but I never was upset with that since it wasn't big deal to me and he eventually would say "you know my opinion, but if you really want it, buy it". Same with lace see-through bodies without a blazer(was too intimate for him, I liked it on others and kinda wanted to buy it but knew I would feel to reavealed in it). I kinda liked that he "forbade" (kinda had control kink) me to wear that(since he was okay with everything else) but eventually I didn't like it.

Later we talked more about it and I explained that clothes themselves aren’t inherently wrong and that sexualization is more about the people perceiving them. After that he actually changed his opinion a lot and became supportive of me wearing those skirts too as long as they weren’t ridiculously short to the point of everything showing or just to wear shorts underneath(and I agreed with that and wouldn't even wear them w/o it).

The reason I’m conflicted is because recently we had hypothetical conversations about extremes. I asked him what he would do if I suddenly wanted to wear something REALLY revealing, like a tiny skirt where everything is basically out. He said he'd tell me that he is uncomfortable with that if it comes to that point, I asked if maybe he'd tell me to change and he’d probably tell me only if he finds it really inappropriate for occassion or really extreme, but that he can’t actually forbid me if I want to wear it. But if I still chose to wear it, he’d probably reconsider the relationship because he doesn’t think he’s compatible with someone comfortable dressing like that.

And honestly part of me understands his point because relationships do involve considering each other’s opinions and boundaries, since he respect mine, even when they come from insecurity. But another part of me gets irritated by the fact that the line exists at all, even though realistically I would never wear the kinds of outfits we were talking about anyway.

I don’t actually feel restricted day to day. Still, for some reason the existence of the boundary itself keeps bothering me even tho he always loved all my outfits.

I think what bothers me most is not even the clothes themselves, but the idea that there technically is a point where he would expect me to take his opnions into account and reconsider wearing something. At the same time, I know I’d probably do the same thing in some form if a partner crossed one of my own boundaries. That’s why. Idk.! Am I being controlled if I respect this in a way of not wearing something that is too much for him? What do you think?

I (21F) have been with my boyfriend (22M) for 4 years and overall our relationship is genuinely healthy. He’s always been supportive of how I dress and has never been the type to shame me or constantly tell me to cover up. I wear short skirts, crop tops, revealing outfits sometimes, and he usually either compliments me or doesn’t care.

The thing is, we naturally have VERY similar boundaries about what counts as “too much.” Every outfit he’s ever said would be “too far” is something I already personally considered too much for myself anyway.

For example, I’ve worn super short skirt-shorts before, but with shorts underneath. He had no issue with that. His thing is more like if something is SO short that there’s a real chance of my ass showing while walking, stairs, wind, bending over etc., then to him it crosses a line. Honestly, I usually agree with that too.

At one point there was a specific style of skirt he disliked, those very short pleated “high school anime-style” skirts. He said that specific style felt overly sexualized to him. At the time I kind of agreed and stopped wanting to wear them too because I started seeing them differently myself.

Later we talked more about it and I explained that clothes themselves aren’t inherently wrong and that sexualization is more about the people perceiving them. After that he actually changed his opinion a lot and became supportive of me wearing those skirts too as long as they weren’t ridiculously short to the point of everything showing.

The reason I’m conflicted is because recently we had hypothetical conversations about extremes. I asked him what he would do if I suddenly wanted to wear something REALLY revealing, like a tiny skirt where everything is basically out. He said he’d probably tell me to change because in his opinion it would be inappropriate, but that he can’t actually forbid me. He also said if I still chose to wear it, he’d probably reconsider the relationship because he doesn’t think he’s compatible with someone comfortable dressing like that.

And honestly part of me understands his point because relationships do involve considering each other’s feelings and boundaries. But another part of me gets irritated by the fact that the line exists at all, even though realistically I would never wear the kinds of outfits we were talking about anyway.

I don’t actually feel restricted day to day. He’s never forced me to change, insulted me, or acted possessive. Still, for some reason the existence of the boundary itself keeps bothering me.

AITA? I think what bothers me most is not even the clothes themselves, but the idea that there technically is a point where he would expect me to take his feelings into account and not wear something. At the same time, I know I’d probably do the same thing in some form if a partner crossed one of my own boundaries. That’s why. Idk.!