u/Anxious-Contest8570

I usually don’t read smut much, but sometimes if I really like an author/comic I’ll read their explicit stuff too. Weird thing is I don’t actually enjoy most of it. I mainly like the intimacy/foreplay/oral focused on her, but once it becomes actual penetrative sex I get uninterested or even slightly disgusted. I also don’t really enjoy scenes focused on her pleasing him.

I’m confused because I’m not anti-sex or prudish. It just feels like my brain disconnects once it becomes “full sex.”

I also think I might be demisexual and demiromantic, so maybe that’s connected? Does anyone else experience this psychologically or emotionally?

I’m trying to understand how my romantic attraction works because it feels very specific and not really “normal.”

Most of the time, I don’t feel romantic attraction at all. My relationships usually stay platonic. I can joke around, talk a lot, even share personal things, but it rarely turns into anything romantic. I value friendship a lot—sometimes even more than romance. For me, things only get serious if attachment builds later.

The confusing part is, I do sometimes want a romantic relationship. I want to feel loved and have that kind of connection. But at the same time, I value my solitude and freedom a lot. I can’t really imagine being with someone all the time or losing my personal space. So it’s like I want a relationship in theory, but most of the time I just want to be alone.

I’m already demisexual, so I know physical attraction only happens with a strong bond. But for romantic attraction, I’ve noticed it only starts if certain things are there:

I need a strong intellectual or emotional connection. I have to genuinely like how they think and feel some real compatibility.

They have to clearly show romantic interest in me first. If I don’t see that, I don’t feel anything romantically.

I need emotional maturity from them. Like, if we disagree, they should be able to explain things without being invalidating or hurtful. I don’t expect them to agree with me, just not make me feel dismissed.

If even one of these is missing, I don’t feel any romantic attraction at all.

Also, even when I start liking someone, it can disappear really fast. If they act immature, distant, or emotionally invalidating, my attraction just switches off. But I can still feel hurt because some attachment is already there.

Consistency also matters a lot to me. Being ignored by people I care about (even friends) actually affects me more than I’d like to admit. I think that’s why I’m so protective about emotional connection—if that’s not stable, the attraction just doesn’t exist for me.

So yeah, I’m trying to figure out:

does this sound like something like Demiromantic or being on the Aromantic spectrum?

or is this more about needing emotional safety/consistency before I can even feel attraction?

I’m trying to understand how my romantic attraction works because it feels very specific and not really “normal.”

Most of the time, I don’t feel romantic attraction at all. My relationships usually stay platonic. I can joke around, talk a lot, even share personal things, but it rarely turns into anything romantic. I value friendship a lot—sometimes even more than romance. For me, things only get serious if attachment builds later.

The confusing part is, I do sometimes want a romantic relationship. I want to feel loved and have that kind of connection. But at the same time, I value my solitude and freedom a lot. I can’t really imagine being with someone all the time or losing my personal space. So it’s like I want a relationship in theory, but most of the time I just want to be alone.

I’m already demisexual, so I know physical attraction only happens with a strong bond. But for romantic attraction, I’ve noticed it only starts if certain things are there:

I need a strong intellectual or emotional connection. I have to genuinely like how they think and feel some real compatibility.

They have to clearly show romantic interest in me first. If I don’t see that, I don’t feel anything romantically.

I need emotional maturity from them. Like, if we disagree, they should be able to explain things without being invalidating or hurtful. I don’t expect them to agree with me, just not make me feel dismissed.

If even one of these is missing, I don’t feel any romantic attraction at all.

Also, even when I start liking someone, it can disappear really fast. If they act immature, distant, or emotionally invalidating, my attraction just switches off. But I can still feel hurt because some attachment is already there.

Consistency also matters a lot to me. Being ignored by people I care about (even friends) actually affects me more than I’d like to admit. I think that’s why I’m so protective about emotional connection—if that’s not stable, the attraction just doesn’t exist for me.

So yeah, I’m trying to figure out:

does this sound like something like Demiromantic or being on the Aromantic spectrum?

or is this more about needing emotional safety/consistency before I can even feel attraction?

I do experience sexual desire and physical urges. I can feel turned on and I do have the urge to have sex. That part is definitely there.

But the important thing is that this desire is not directed toward anyone. It doesn’t attach to a specific person; it just exists on its own.

Even when I form a good emotional connection with someone, I don’t feel sexual desire toward them. In one case, I even started finding the person physically attractive over time, but I still didn’t feel any urge to be sexual with them.

So for me, these things feel separate. I can feel sexual desire and urges, but they are not about anyone. I can feel emotionally connected to someone, and I can develop some level of physical attraction, but these don’t come together as “I want this person sexually.”

Also, the connection didn’t last very long, so I don’t know if that could have changed over time. It’s possible, but I haven’t experienced sexual desire directed at a real person so far.