I (25F) have been dating my boyfriend (23M) for 6 months. We’ve known each other for about 2.5 years but only recently made it official. We’re long distance (about two 2-hour flights), and the last 3 months have been full of constant fighting.
The main issue is that when I bring up something he did that hurt me, he gets angry instead of listening. He says I’m always negative, always criticizing him, and that there’s “always something wrong.” I feel like I’m just trying to communicate my feelings, but it turns into an argument every time.
Early in the relationship, I did bring up small issues too often (like things about his friends or feeling like we didn’t spend enough time together). I’ve since worked on that and now try to be supportive of his time with friends and family, but he still brings up how I used to act and says I haven’t changed.
I visit him frequently (about every 3 weeks for 1–2 weeks at a time, paying for flights myself). While I’m there, we often spend weekends traveling to see his family or friends instead of having time just the two of us. I’ve tried to express that I want more one-on-one time, but he says I’m being controlling and trying to separate him from his family. I can see how I may have come off that way earlier on, but I don’t feel like that reflects how I act now.
Another issue is that he says I bring up my feelings too much and that it’s “nitpicking.” I’ve tried to explain that I just want him to hear me and understand when something hurts me, not that I’m trying to attack him. He says he shouldn’t have to listen if it’s constant.
For example, recently while he was at work, we were texting about Airbnbs for a trip. I sent him a few options, and he responded to something unrelated without acknowledging them. I said it felt rude, and he replied that I was being “needy” and joked about ignoring me. That hurt, but I hesitated to bring it up because I didn’t want him to get angry.
Later, when I finally told him it bothered me, he doubled down and said it was needy. He then turned off read receipts and said he wouldn’t turn them back on because I “always say he ignores me.”
I tried to stay positive the rest of the day and not bring anything up, but he was still irritated and snapping at me. The next morning, when I said he had been mean, he told me he was only mean because of how I acted and that he had a right to be angry. He also mocked me when I tried to explain my feelings.
This has become a cycle: I get hurt, I try to communicate it, he gets angry and says I’m too negative, and then things escalate. When I suppress my feelings, things are good, but I end up feeling really sad and it eventually comes out anyway.
He says he’s close to ending things because he feels like he’s “going insane,” and I feel terrible for hurting him. At the same time, I feel like I’m not being heard and that I can’t express my feelings without causing a fight.
Idk what to do.