u/AliceMorgon

I poked him with a stick until he woke up, asked if he was OK, then sat him at the patio table and made him an Ulster fry and builder’s tea with a dash of whisky and ibuprofen for the hangover, before sending him on his way in some old tracksuit bottoms.

What would you have done?

My mother and I have an… odd relationship. I grew up with her in a selection of mental institutions and my dad neglecting/psychologically abusing me. Anyway, because I never had her as a mother figure growing up, we got to know each other in my late teens and we’re now very close, albeit more like best friends than mother/daughter because of said background. In fact, her side of the family is really the only one that isn’t a TOTAL dumpster fire. If the firies come now, some of the trash can perhaps be salvaged. But that’s by the by.

My mother had a lily of the valley bouquet. I am trying to incorporate lily of the valley into my wedding as much as possible although it’ll be silk because I can’t afford hothouse flowers, as well as embroidered on handkerchiefs to put in my bosom in case of need in which case I’ll whip one out (she’ll cry, she’s a crier) but I’m contemplating incorporating it into my handfasting cord (Samhain wedding is Irish, April wedding is Catholic, separate countries and two weddings as marrying an American, not for attention or a gift grab as I have previously been accused of.)

My mother means a great deal to me and if I could use a lily of the valley ribbon as a sash I would, but it would mask the beautiful lace climbing leaves detail on the wedding dress.

MOBs/brides who are close to your mothers: how meaningful would it be for your daughter to incorporate your wedding flower in this way? Or would you not be bothered?

I don’t know if it’s because I have a thing for nerds and Pulp were kind of the weirdos, but was this a common thing over the water? My English-raised cousin said Blur and Oasis were the big names and Pulp were sort of outcasts.

I’m from Belfast and didn’t get sent to boarding school in the UK until 1999 to help me “shake off” Omagh, so we were more into the Cranberries etc over here.

Yup. Was settling down for the evening with the cats, and in the process of getting out of bed I lost my balance and fell HARD crotch-first (specifically inner labia and clitoral area inwards) onto the metal bed frame. The pain was indescribable. Women, you can imagine. Men, imagine someone violently cutting open your penis from base to tip. And then the blood. It was everywhere. The floor, the wall, my trousers were soaked, I was covered up to my elbows in it… it was obviously not something minor. Especially once I got up the guts to grab a hand mirror and see what exactly had happened. Hospital time for sure.

To RVH (our local casualty dept.) I took about four steps into A&E from the taxi, leaving a trail of blood behind me, and dropped like a stone from (surprise!) blood loss. So far I’ve spent the evening in Majors wearing weird underwear, being asked repeatedly how I got the injury (they clearly think I am lying and that it’s something sexual rather than an actual accident) and I’ve just had an entire class of medical students come in to have a look because “we’ve never seen an injury like this before.” I have officially declared tourist season open on the good china, given how many visitors it has had in the past 2 hours.

And now I’m on an uncomfortable hospital bed still bleeding but wearing magic pants, waiting for for Gynae to return the call from A&E because none of the emergency doctors will stitch it up because of “the nature of the area.” So my clit’s swinging in the wind and I’m stuck with a 4in gash in the good china, which both attracts medical students and is immensely painful.

Urgh.

TL;DR: Fell badly, landed wrong, split the good china open and now stuck in the hospital waiting desperately for restorative action and further painkillers.

UPDATE: Just received at least eight stitches (that’s when I decided it would be best not to keep counting, knowing as I did that part of my labia was hanging off and my clit was barely clinging on by about 1/4 of its usual attachment width) under local anaesthesia… into what turned out to be a six-inch-long gash, and INCLUDING NEEDLES DIRECTLY INTO THE CLIT, to stitch the catastrophe back together and stop it bleeding. I will never be able to sit down again.

Also, I met another flock of medical students!

ETA: I moved in what was apparently an unacceptable way and PULLED ON THE STITCHES OWIWIWIWIWIE, AND NOW THE STITCHES THEY HURT SO BAD AGAIN ARRRRRRRGH I’m going to get the fucking frozen peas again

UPDATE: I have an emergency gynae appointment next week to further investigate the possibility of reconstruction. Right now? I feel like I have a million termites in there crawling and nibbling because the healing ITCHES SO BAD 😩 And the worst part is it’s only temporary healing because they’re going to reconstruct so much SO I’M GOING TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH IT ALL AGAAAAAAAAAIN😭😭😭

ETA 2: ETA for those who care and do not wish horrors on me for of course being evil by being influenced into believing a close older family member who had been married before, I had my first follow-up today. Gynae were both amazed I did this without a spinal block (lidocaine is notoriously useless in this region) and quickly repaired some stitches that were torn, scheduled again in 6 weeks, and also said they were stealing my descriptor of “my downstairs’ Chernobyl’s theme park” for future patients who needed a laugh.